Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 19 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 18 19
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
D
Dr LOve Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
YES DayBre. But thanks for keeping an eye on me..and KEEP those recomendations comming....

I did thank W and tell her what a fantastic job she did. I even told a little white lie... I told her that other people saw her working on my Computer and commented on how fast and well she did it....
When I got home yesterday, she did ask how my tests went. I had the Finals Plus the instructor let me take a makeup test, the test I took after my Father and son vacation was a disaster. I was out of sync with studding and was having a bad day and only got a 69% (D+). He let me take that test again (94 questions) and I passed this time with 96% (A). She was really impressed. DO NOT get me wrong I did not do it to impress her… I did it for me...but that was a nice side benefit. BTW the final I took yesterday had 184 questions….
Later yesterday wife came to me to discuss fixing son’s computer so he can play newer games on it. W is great at looking things up on computers and figuring things out. So she came to me to discuss what she was planning on doing to it. And I “Recommended some changes” because of what I have learned and I told her some things that she would need to do to accomplish what she was planning to do. And she ended up saying “wow you know allot more about this stuff than me”
This has been a side issue in our marriage... a little with my self esteem and actually a little with hers. W was the “smart” technical person and I was the “Good Labor orientated” person... in other words the “Ditch digger”. I always felt that w kind of looked down on be like she was a little better than I. Not that she did not appreciate my “manual labor” but still …..She was better than me….
Looks like I am changing the tables….
One thing I am starting to see and have a problem with. I feel wife is finding things to do like work on son’s computer and yoga and other stuff to keep her occupy BUT also to avoid. Looking for a job.
This is one thing I have learned in one of my classes… a lot of times when WE say “we don’t have enough time” the real reason is because we end up doing things to avoid doing what we SHOULD be doing….
Well got ta go this is the first weekend I don’t have any homework… BUT my uncle called yesterday and wants me to come over to his ranch and help him fix fences…. (I better inherit his 56 Chevy) grin
Later
Doc


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
D
Dr LOve Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
Wow CL,
For some reason I went back to my first Post here.....

Do you reilize YOU were the first person to respond to me?

Has it been THAT long?????


(My first post)
My w is seeing OM. It's her old boyfriend. We have been married for 18 years and now she tells me she has fallen out of love with me.
We are seeing seperate coucl. we have a joing meeting next weds.
She calls the OM everyday.( he is married and lives out of state.
I know it's 90 % her and 10 % him but he calls her. I have been giving her space to work things out.
I am taking my 10 year old son on aa week long camping trip. On the day we leave I am going to give m W a letter telling her when we get back she has to decide if she wants to save the marraige or not. I will tell hershe cannot contact him anymore or it's over. I have been keeping the affair to myself but Will let the family and freinds in on it if she refused to stop talikng to him.
What do ya all think about my plan.
_________________________
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know




#1040017 - 05/03/07 11:27 PM Re: trying to hold out [Re: Dr LOve]
Concerned_Listener
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 1409
Loc: Ohio Husband,
How long has the EA been going on?

How long have you been considering an ultimatum?

What is the quality of your R with your W? Has she stated that she wants a D?

Do you know what she's unhappy about? What problems is she running away from?

Have you diligently been DB, and working at improving your personal relationships, and doing things that you enjoy?

I need these questions answered initially, before I can form an opinion about your plan for an ultimatum. I want to make sure that you've done everything you can, and that you've given your W enough time to work things out.

CL
_________________________
CL 50 W 50
M 17 yrs.
07'-09' GAL
10' Acting As If

"Like Jesus, face sin with both grace and truth."

----Boundaries in Marriage
For those of you that do not know my sitch…. I Never did expose the A... It has been a Looooooooog Road with a lot of side tracks…… but here it is 3 years later and we are still together.
W has moved back into our room…. And things are 150 % better than they were back then. We have made so much progress… W still has her self esteem issues and menopause issues AND a little MLC thrown in there but NOW I know. Now I can try to help her get through these…. Three years ago I was blind to this, I thought everything was fine…


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,580
Congratulations, Doc. Three years is a long time indeed. You're one of the kindest most patient fella's here on these boards and you deserve every bit of happiness you worked so hard for.


Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Doc,
Did you end up giving her an ultimatum or at least let her know what you knew?

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
D
Dr LOve Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
Doc,
Did you end up giving her an ultimatum or at least let her know what you knew?

CL


I tried several "feeble attempts"... but no never did put my foot down.

As for letting her know EVERYTHING I know... No... She knows I found the pictures... she knows I was trying to trace him down.
She doesn’t know I found him.


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
D
Dr LOve Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
IT'S FRIDAY....

Where did this week go? My grades for this last mod 5 A's and a B in Net+ I started my new Mod at school this week.
LAN Wiring, Net+ II and XP. Everyone said that XP in this mod was the hardest. I Studied my a$$ off and on the test today I got a B... BUT I concentrated too much on this class and my other one Net+ II I got a C on the test. But hey if I would have studied more...
I am going into school this weekend to try to get a head start on next week’s work.
I was in a pretty good mood when I got home and when I came in the house W was at the kition counter making a sandwich. I whistled down the hall at her and she turned around and said " I hate that” I said what? She said “cat calls”… I said “ok I’m sorry... I guess that just means I will have to come over and give you a hug then” and I did.
W is not in a good mood today. Son starts school in two weeks and last night she mentioned about going out and start looking for work, I know she is NOT looking forward to that.
Anyway I did not let that affect my mood…went out and worked on son’s train set for a little while...

So Note to self…. DO NOT whistle AT WIFE…..

Last edited by Dr LOve; 08/07/10 02:38 AM.

And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 476
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 476
Doc,

Possibly W is very worried about putting herself on the job market again and was sensitive because of that. From my experience years (seems like eons) ago, my barriers were up higher than usual when I was actively searching...


Me 52, STBEX 52
D 17, S 12
M 20 years
Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
D
Dr LOve Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 5,927
Agreed....

I will give her space...support... encouragement
One thing that I have learned it my attitude is MINE and nobody controls it but me...

I have also learned when speaking with W when trying to help to NOT TELL HER WHAT SHE SHOULD DO....but try to ask open ended questions to help her decide what she should do.

Instead of "you should look for at least a temp job"
Instead things like "Have you thought about looking into some type of temp job?


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 10,261
PISCES
I received some sage advice a long time ago. It was something along the lines of…if you do right by natural law, ie do all that you can to do what is naturally right by all in a situation, then the right result will eventually show itself. This is all good as long as everyone else in the picture is playing by the same rules. You may recently have felt stepped on by a certain person or process while doing all that you thought was just and right. Remember that the universe takes notes, including recognizing the purity of intentions. Doing the right thing does not equal being forever naive and always putting yourself in a position of being hurt, it means you are earning some serious Soul stripes and the pay off dear Pisces will come. As Mercury in your house of relationships finds your destiny effortlessly, you get a chance to speak your peace and set a certain record straight.

A bit of justice is soon to be served…. by you. It is by all means more than ok to enjoy it.


Me&H:42
S11&D10
Bomb 5/2007-Sep 11/2007
Reconc.November 2009
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
Quote:
I have to be really careful right now because I know I am my own worst enemy. I need to NOT assume any negative things. Some people are telling me that If I had exposed the A three years ago I would have saved me this entire wait. She may have come back to me sooner but then again I figure that if I had exposed it then it may have been over sooner with her leaving me. NOT to mention that since it seems like we are working things out… I do not have to explain anything to family or friends why I took her back.
I figure it took 19 years of marriage to screw things up… it took three years to get back on track.. And hopefully will only take one year to rebuild


I have been away on holiday for the last few weeks Doc so I didn't see this until now. I just wanted to say that whatever advice folks give you about how to deal with your sitch, YOU are the one walking in your shoes...........and personally I think you have grown so much as a person taking the route you have. I think you should be proud of your achievements and ignore what others say you should have done. It is what it is.....and at the moment it is pretty good, no?
wink


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
Page 9 of 19 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 18 19

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard