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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2041776
07/20/10 08:47 PM
07/20/10 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: Optimust
How do you know when the ignoring them is working?
"Going dark" is not "ignoring them," nor is MWD's concept of "detachment."

And you don't do it so it "works," you do it because it's healthier for YOU to detach yourself from their destructive outcomes.

The best way I had someone describe it to me once is, "You should walk down the path, always shining a light back towards your marraige, but walking on nonetheless. Do NOT constantly look back over your shoulder to see if she is following you! If you do that, it's really just "pursuing" (albeit from the front, rather than behind).

Rather, every once in awhile, stop along your path to rest, and PEEK to see if she is following you. If she is, smile and move on, resuming your walk and content to know that you are having some effect. And if she NOT, smile and move on anyway, knowing that what you are doing is best for YOU."

A wayward wife is like a watched pot. It's never going to boil if you watch it.


Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time

Being happy alone and "living" each day is key. Be a role model to your WAS.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2041781
07/20/10 08:51 PM
07/20/10 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I was given an exceptional piece of advice at this very same stage of my sitch, and I'm glad I followed it: treat your spouse with civility and grace, and it will pay you dividends down the road regardless of what the two of you decide to do. Hugs
Good advice. I continue to do this. What you sow, you will reap.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2041795
07/20/10 09:05 PM
07/20/10 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Strong men are men of much ACTION, and very few WORDS. And it is a tenet of DB to not TALK about your changes, but to live them out, quietly and confidently, in front of the runaway spouse....She's not looking for a chick best friend -- she's looking for a husband who will make a strong, principled stand to fight for his marriage, in my opinion.

You are like me -- you fancy yourself a wordsmith. I thought if I could just put together JUUUUST the right combination of words, and deliver in them in JUUUUUUUUUST the right way, I could win my wife back and make her see the error of her ways.

Unh-uh. Doesn't work that way.

Look, I"m not saying that everything you've written isn't TRUE and GOOD. It probably is (again, I never made it thru it all). I'm saying that "making grand pronouncements" about your changes doesn't work.

I think you need to shoot for about 90% less. Seriously.
The less words, the bigger the punch. Actions always speak louder than words.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2042292
07/21/10 05:02 PM
07/21/10 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: CD Bear
"Then all I have to say is this. I will not live in an open marriage. I will not hide your lies or affair. They are disrespectful. I will send you info on a few mediators I have looked into. XXX is the best choice. I will set an appointment for as early in August as possible to draw up our Separation Agreement. I should have all my banking and documentation gathered by then. You should, too.
Divorce is my last option. It is clear that it is your first and easiest. What you are doing to this family is irresponsible. But if this is your decision, then you will own it.
Perhaps one day we can be friends.

I have to go out. See you later."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2042309
07/21/10 05:33 PM
07/21/10 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Lets ask this... if your H did run into you today... would he see a completely different woman?

That's what this time away from him is FOR.. its not for looking at photos of him, its to work on yourself..


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2042318
07/21/10 05:50 PM
07/21/10 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: john28
....but discussing future finances and selling of assets probably isn't productive to your R and M. The next time she brings it up, and what worked for me, should go something like this:

W: I think we should talk about selling X.
H: Hmm. Really?
W: Yes, I think we should because of XYZ.
H: I'll have to think about that.
W: What's there to think about? It makes sense.
H: Maybe so, but I'd like to think about it.

The longer you don't talk about these things, the more it becomes less of a priority. I made the mistakes of laying out all finances and custody arrangements, etc in the beginning, and I wish that I hadn't.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2042320
07/21/10 05:51 PM
07/21/10 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
MOVE BACK INTO YOUR OWN BEDROOM. TODAY.

This is probably the ONE THING in all of DB where there is unanimous consensus. When she asks WTH you're doing, say "I decided there's no reason I shouldn't sleep in my own bed. I'm more comfortable here." If she says that she's not comfortable with YOU in there, calmly say "I understand, but you don't have to leave. But it's your choice -- I'm staying here."

Puppy


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2043682
07/23/10 04:02 PM
07/23/10 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
He does NOT hold the cards.. YOU do. But you are throwing them away worrying about HIM. You have the cards to YOUR life and what YOU DO with it.

Suppose ten years from now he's gone and still hasn't grown up or contacted you... do YOU still want to be where YOU are NOW? Pining away for someone like that?

Look at you now and fast forward ten years and ask yourself what are YOU doing to get where YOU want to be in ten years time?

Focus on THAT.. YOU have ALL THE CARDS for that.. NOT HIM... NOT NOW...

You may be loyal to HIM, but you aren't to yourself if you waste another second pining for him.

Let him go, enjoy your life, do something productive. If he grows up while you are doing that then that's great... but don't sit around waiting for that to happen.

You are betraying YOU if you do that...

Let me put it this way... as he IS NOW... NO SINGLE FEMALE on this ENTIRE FORUM would so much as TOUCH HIM right now because of his immaturity...

So why are YOU wasting YOUR LIFE PINING for him?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2045297
07/26/10 09:13 PM
07/26/10 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
...What helped me was to script out my 2nd, longer, "The Deceit's Gotta Stop" confrontation with my wife. Practiced it, over and over, even out loud, in my office. Rehearsed my body language, and my inflection, and my eye contact. Probably two dozen times.

It left me VERY prepared, and pretty calm. A 1/2-pill of my anti-anxiety meds took care of the other half nicely. grin

Another technique I use when nervous is to remind myself of all the ways that the OTHER person ought to really be the nervous one! And that's certainly true in your case. YOU are fighting the noble fight, and your wife is lying and fleeing and generally acting of poor character!

Who said this had to be a 15-second script? I'd suggest about a 3-minute one, give or take...

Last edited by Ready2Change; 07/26/10 09:13 PM.

"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2045304
07/26/10 09:21 PM
07/26/10 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: missherlove
Time and Patience are the keys to success. Whatever your W tells you today does not necessarily mean that is the way she will always think. She can change her mind. She has already proven that, right?? She made a vow to be faithful to you and she changed her mind about that…….soooo….even if she says she done today, does not mean she will not change her mind in the future.

What I am saying here is that the decision that your M is over really lies with you. You still have the power not your W. The difficult part of this is choosing the road less traveled, the road that is not easy, it is all uphill filled with pot holes and at times you may even look down and find it hard to see the road at all. This road however leads to a better you, a happier more fulfilling life and yes possibly the restoration of your M.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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