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Quote:
Their consistent outright rejection leaves no space for reconciliation.


Is this the case? Do you, we, Donna, know this to be the fact? That's all I am asking.

We do know there seems to be a rift between the ex and his parents, that much we can say, but can we safely conclude that this difference is due entirely to the parents having hardened their hearts against their son? Can we speak unequivocally that we know the in-laws' intents in this matter, voiced or not?

I'm just got getting that from what Donna has said; maybe I missed something, or Donna might could elaborate.

Otherwise, you and I seem to agree, particularly on how Donna should approach it, whatever the situation might really be.




Me: 49
WAW: 47
S11, S7
Years Married/Together: 17/18
Bomb: 6/15/07
Separation: 7/6/07
D: 4/3/09

Real love is a decision.
Marriage is a commitment.
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Originally Posted By: oldtimer

Better yet, I'd suggest that as soon as one of her ex-in-laws begins discussing ANYTHING about their family that Donna simply say: "I care about you, but I cannot be part of your family drama. Please change the topic immediately or I'll need to stop this conversation." Continuing to expose herself to the family drama is nothing but harmful. However, Donna does not seem to be in a place for whatever reason to take this step of setting a clear boundary and letting go of that part of her life.



OT, my best friend has done exactly that recently. His wife left him 8 months ago but he still goes to dinner with his in-laws and recently he told them that he loves them and wants to keep in touch but does not want to hear about his ex. They responded very well to that.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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This has been interesting to read - thank you all for the input. I value the opportunity to think.

Quote:
I wouldn't suggest that Donna try to control her ex-in-laws. Expressing to her ex-in-laws that they needn't reject their son for her sake and that she finds it sad that they haven't reconciled is hardly controlling.

Better yet, I'd suggest that as soon as one of her ex-in-laws begins discussing ANYTHING about their family that Donna simply say: "I care about you, but I cannot be part of your family drama. Please change the topic immediately or I'll need to stop this conversation." Continuing to expose herself to the family drama is nothing but harmful. However, Donna does not seem to be in a place for whatever reason to take this step of setting a clear boundary and letting go of that part of her life.


OT, I have said the near-exact lines in your first paragraph to them, and reiterated it to them in an email. I have also asked MIL to stop speaking of me to her other children, as it seems to be a sore spot for the sibs (we live next door to each other and do many things together, which has brought out some weird jealousy in at least the women, and maybe the younger brother with the 1-year-old son), and I don't want to be a reason or cause for ANY discord in their relationship with any of their adult children. It was a request, but of course I have no idea what they do talk about, or even if they do talk at all at this point. I am trying to distance myself away from all the drama.

As for the second paragraph, whenever the subject has come up (either of them complaining of how others in my former family are acting, what they are saying, etc., I have said "I am sorry to hear that" and changed the subject or ended the convo completely and physically removed myself.
If MIL or FIL forget my current place in the order-of-things and share positive reports about the family with me, I take the stance of a neighbor/friend towards the news, listen, say "that's nice" or some such and go onto another topic.

I think the other issue that may be missed is that my former husband's parents are not rejecting him, but want nothing to do with his girlfriend. They have attended things when ex went alone or with our children. MIL has bought and given him presents for Christmas and his birthday. His father has spoken to him by phone and in person when he has run into him in my driveway. His parents have refused, however, to visit his home because it is also her home.

In any case, this has NOTHING to do with me, at this point. I was merely pointing out a sad thing that I was witnessing. There are no winners here.

The ongoing fracture in the family is sad and a by-product of divorce. Divorce is a terrible, terrible thing, and something that I wanted to avoid, foremost for my children's sake. This is a consequence, something that I had no control over and didn't want.

Now, as far as my feelings toward the girlfriend......I don't bash her to my kids; I don't discuss her with anyone IRL at this point, really. At some point early on, I did tell my children that she had said and done some terrible things that broke our friendship but that it was between adults - It was one discussion, and I left it at that (my son did come to find out soon after that talk about the affair when his father tried to lie to him and say that his relationship with the woman was new and had nothing to do with the breakup of our marriage).

My D11 instinctively avoids talking about the gf or mentioning her by name. She tells me all other stories about her time when she visits the other house, which is mostly filled with playing with her best friend (they are only a month apart and grew up together). My S15 has told me that, while he realizes his parents will not be back together, he wishes that his father would break up with the girlfriend, sell the house and move back into an apartment. I think that stems from a combination of the extended family stress, coupled with my son now competing with an additional 4 children for his father's attention.
They both know that they are kids and have no control in their grown-ups' matters, and have come to decide that their opinions are not welcomed by their father.

Would it be optimal for my kids if all of the adults in their lives could have remained friends (or gotten past the mess) and get along, even do things together? Yep.
The following is where I think OT "pushes my buttons" - in other words, attempts with good-will to see me continue to grow in grace and become a better person, for myself and my kids, who accepts and embraces the changes. It is a lofty, worthwhile goal, but I am either not ready or not capable of getting there, at least not yet.

I am not a saint. I am not that evolved.
I was betrayed by my husband. He has admitted to going beyond the lies and betrayal, trying to hurt me purposefully. He has never changed his stance that he did all of this because I didn't take care of him, etc, taking on no blame. In his head, he "only lied about this one thing," and there was no other way things could have happened. Through therapy, I have worked hard to discover my own flaws and co-dependence, but it was also pointed out to me that I had been in a dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist.
I was betrayed by my friend. She told me she wished there was something she could do to help me save my marriage while I cried on her shoulder, while she had already been having a physical affair with him for at least 6 months. When I discovered the truth, she laughed in my face and told me I was "so blind." She is a manipulative martyr, and I have no doubt that she would not be bound by morals towards anyone if she thought she might loose what she fought so hard to win over. (I had trusted her enough to occasionally babysit my kids before the whole mess, that is true - but I was also of the opinion that she didn't have very good parenting skills, and of course before I knew that she was as messed up as she is. She watched them in case of an emergency, she did not contribute to raising them, and I thank God every day that her influence is still very small).

God, I know that writing that out sounds like I am not over this, holding onto the past, bitter, vindictive, etc. It is actually more that my eyes are open to what is - no more denial.

But I recognize that THESE TWO PEOPLE CAN NOT HURT ME, ANYMORE. I lived through it, it has become part of my past (just as many events, good and bad, have helped shape me).
Do I judge their actions? Yes - they were wrong. I think they continue to be wrong. Because I loved him for so long, it has been easier to forgive my exhusband (just a fact) than it has been for me to forgive her. I have gone from outright hate to relative indifference, most of the time, towards her. Mama-bear still gets riled up at the thought/potential of either of these people hurting my kids. Maybe I've read too many other sitches here...maybe I am jaded. But I don't think either of these individuals are "good people" or even remarkably "safe people." They have shown their propensity to lie, cheat and act selfishly without regard for others (and they still do). I don't trust them. I don't think they set a good example for my kids. Their morals and values are obviously not in line with my own, or what I hope my kids to grow up believing in.

You can't pick your parents, but you can learn from them, both what to emulate and what NOT to do. I can't keep these people out of my children's lives - all I can do is be here, ready to pick up the pieces when and if needed, be the example I hope they will look toward, and make sure they have resources and support outside of the immediate situation (the relationship that I opened between them and their own IC).

Last edited by Donna...Found; 07/23/10 08:35 PM.
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Donna,
I thought this was an excellent, mature, detached and realistic post.
And this:
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
I was betrayed by my friend. She told me she wished there was something she could do to help me save my marriage while I cried on her shoulder, while she had already been having a physical affair with him for at least 6 months. When I discovered the truth, she laughed in my face and told me I was "so blind."
may well be the cruelest thing I've ever read on these boards.
Peace,


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
I was betrayed by my friend. She told me she wished there was something she could do to help me save my marriage while I cried on her shoulder, while she had already been having a physical affair with him for at least 6 months. When I discovered the truth, she laughed in my face and told me I was "so blind."


may well be the cruelest thing I've ever read on these boards.
Peace,


With friends like that, who needs enimas?


Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/23/10 11:26 PM.

M-47,W-40,No kids
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Piecing - 10/21/2010
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals

With friends like that, who needs enimas?



Now that's funny!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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Insomnia - bad sunburn is starting to switch over from stabbing pain to peeling and itching...

I've been doing lots of mini-trips to LI, and got to visit S15 at camp, spend some time with friends and D11. Just spent a while catching up with many threads here (lurker alert).

Ex tried to rope me in on Sunday over pick-up times, things not going according to his view of the world. After a few texts, he tried to call me (I answered because I couldn't tell if it was D11 who wanted to talk) - I said "I am driving and your attitude is why I didn't want to talk to you, so good-night! and hung up. Got a few more texts about how inconsiderate I was...yada yada yada.
I had a few choice thoughts about "consideration" that I wanted to share with him, but by the time I got home, I just couldn't even be bothered.
Just read how apathy is the opposite of love (not hate)...hmm.......

A list of goals:
*The summer is just flying by, and I have to switch gears and get myself moving again. I want to get my body in shape and settle into an exercise routine.
*I also have to continue plugging away at some household clutter (go through boxes that are stashed, clothes, paperwork, etc.).
*Settle up with accounts I've put off - taxes, medical bills. Restructure a budget.
*finish up the last of my classes and get my license updated (got the extension I needed)
*Tackle the "honey-do" list of small repairs around the house. I haven't had a working microwave in more than 6 months, high bulbs out, powerwash the house, fix a door lock, replace a handle, etc.
*Get medical things up to date - see the dentist, dermatologist, still need to do the sleep study, etc.
*move my classroom again - huge mess and lots of packing/unpacking
*start rewriting my lesson plans into the new mandated format so I don't get stuck with overwhelming homework during the year - also have to work up my stock order
*actually ATTEND one of the meet-up groups that I found that look interesting - can't seem to find the time!! At least I read the book for the book club - last month's meeting!

And sleep, that would be nice.

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Normal sleep last night - it can be the simple things that make you grateful...

Friend's husband is having her served today. Bastard didn't even tell her - the marshall called to make sure she would be home, then made her promise to call a friend (she freaked out).
Her H has been waffling for months, now. Not 3 weeks ago, she was away with her kids camping, and he called me trying to find a way to get in touch with her - crying that he didn't want to break up with her, it was all a terrible mistake, etc. I told him to leave her alone for the rest of the week (it was a Tues) and get right with HIMSELF, get into IC, etc., before he got her all worked up. It had been touch and go since then, but it re-awoke hope in her. So much for that.
This is her 2nd marriage. Her's is a case of jumping from one R to another without taking the time to do much work - makes me glad that I'm not rushing things.

Off to visit the neighbor down the street - our friendship has definitely cooled a lot since my D went through. It will be interesting to see if she is going to try digging for gossip about me and my ex, or if there really was more to our friendship.

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Just read this and thought it was a good perspective:

Quote:
I tend to get tired of all the nonsense on TV,
but when I saw the announcement that Tony
Robbins, the man who has been inspiring people
to transform their lives for the last 35 years,
had a new show I admit I was curious. Earlier
this week, Breakthrough premiered. For the
next 6 weeks Tony will be featuring stories where
he takes people with tragic circumstances on a
30-day journey of healing and transformation.

This past week Tony worked with a couple,
Kristen and Frank, who lost their dream life on
their wedding day. Frank suffered an accident
immediately after their "I Do's," and became a
quadriplegic. As a result, they've been living
a life of complete limitations with no joy...they
believe they can't leave the house, she's afraid
to leave him alone, he feels guilty for ruining her
life...it's "their story".

Through many exercises and experiences, Kristen
and Frank learn the power of re-writing the story
they are living to completely change the quality
of their life. They come to realize that the quality
of your life is where you live emotionally (frustrated
and angry vs. grateful and optimistic).

We can definitely learn from Kristen and Frank's
journey and transformation. No doubt our divorce
is one of the most personal and painful challenges
we will experience in our lives! We need to give
ourselves time to heal, but in the end we have a
choice how we allow our divorce to affect the
rest of our lives. We can grow from the stress, or
let it hold us back. We can be the martyr or the
victim, or we can have a life that's alive and
passionate. We can be bitter, or we can use it
as the catalyst to take action and create a life
that is better.

So, are you still living the "story" of your
divorce or have you used your divorce for
a breakthrough??

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Where did they put that darn like button????...oh. smile

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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