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Definitely go see the Irish band. That sounds like a lot of fun!


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Actually vegitated, but it was good smile Went to church today, then a surprise birthday party - great lunch. Caught up with a friend, then picked up my D from her dad's.
This weekend had drama for the in-laws, though...

Remember the nephew who was turning one (I've never met him)? My former 'rents-in-law drove to the neighboring state for the party. They stopped by MIL's mom's house and saw that ex, gf and all her girls were there.
FIL saw it all, drove right past them and turned around, came home. For a very quiet man (his role model is John Wayne, for a visual), he actually came over to my house to drop off the mail when they got home...just looking to vent I guess. Said he thinks he has now lost his youngest son, too (ex's brother) - all I could say was that I was so sorry.
You would think that, if this woman really loved ex so much, that she would just quietly stay back instead of watching his family be pulled apart over this. It's just sad...but I am glad that I am not part of the drama.

Onwards to my Girls' Summer - just me and D11 for the next few weeks.

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Maybe you could say:

"X and I are divorced. We are both free to move forward with our lives. He has found some happiness with another person. At our age, blended families are very likely. Please don't stay in the past on my account. We all need to move forward to a happy future. Yours should include your children. It is very sad for me to see you hurt your relationships with them."


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I have said as much to them. They have told me numerous times that this isn't about me, but how they will not accept the adultery-partner into their family.
Knowing how his parents feel, I don't understand why ex would continue to insist that she go to these things. It is their battle of wills, at this point. His parents are not willing to gloss over how their relationship started; I think they blame her for the affair much more than him (as I did for quite a long time).

Before they left for the weekend, my son asked me (and his grandmother when I wasn't around) why his father felt compelled to bring his gf and all the other kids. I answered that I don't know...

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Very sad that they think that having a relationship with their son requires "glossing over" anything. Parents can really not like something a child has done and still not reject that child. XH has pretty messed up parents. I hate to see your children having that example.

Regarding DS, is it really true you don't know? I'd guess XH brings GF and the kids because he views them as his family. He is unwilling to reject his family, nor, really, should anyone ask him to or expect him to at this point.


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I think for some reason in today's society, parents feel as if they can't show any disapproval of their grown child's actions. For example, my former MIL was very upset with her son about his affair and his treatment of his children and family. Yet she was afraid to say anything in fear that he wouldn't come visit her. This is the same woman who bought a dog so she and her H would have something to talk about!

Parents never stop being parents and I say Bravo to those showing that they have some morals. That is a lesson every child should learn.

kat


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Would he be rejecting his gf by having either he or she decide that she didn't need to force herself into a new family dynamic that is resistant to her? I don't agree with that....it seems more in-your-face, accept-me-and-all-I-come-with-or-to-hell-with-you/I-did-nothing-wrong-or-immoral of an attitude.
His parents didn't turn around from the visit because he was there. They just are unwilling to accept the relationship he chose.
Would it be better for them to welcome her into the family with open arms? Pretend that the past didn't happen when they were witness to it, as the sibs seem to have done - a 20-year relationship erased, a family member replaced? Or, go to the event and refuse to acknowledge that she is in the room at all? "Just have a nice visit," like great-grandma has suggested, when instead she is left with her stomach tied in knots with the elephant in the room?

Anyway, it has nothing to do with me, anymore - it is just an observation. My IC pointed out that his ability to do what he did does seem to be rooted in his larger family dynamics.

As far as the example set for my kids - I sincerely hope that I am raising them to internalize that cheating is wrong; not an option. There is no grey area there. Do I believe that a marriage has a chance to survive it if it happens? Yes, if both parties are willing to do the work. But it is very messed up that people think that this is an option to begin with, when it causes so much destruction and pain.

What I've talked about with my son in the past: people are human, and fallible. My parents both smoked; my mother was an alcoholic. It didn't stop me from loving them, but I certainly didn't want to emulate those behaviors, either! Of course he loves his dad, but I hope that he would never think that cheating is ok.
Forgiving a person doesn't mean that you forget, or wipe the slate clean and make everything ethical and nice-nice - wrong is wrong.

ANYway, I am taking D down to LI to the ocean beach and staying over at college friend's. I went for my recheck of my ear, and the hearing is slowly coming back (my eardrum burst when I was on vacation - ouch!) Glad it is summer!

Last edited by Donna...Found; 07/20/10 03:33 PM.
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I lost a lot of my hearing during my flight attendant days from flying with a cold. Never do it!! Even if you have taken medicine and feel fine, until it is gone it still can cause damage to your ears. Nearly burst both ear drums and was grounded for a month!

So just saying I relate, in a round about way! Glad you are having fun with the kids.

kat


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Thanks, kat - it is making me crazy. The pain drove me to the ER twice while I was away. I was happy to have driven the 1800 miles each way for vacation. No more pain; just temporary hearing loss...doc said it should be back in about a month. So the summer will be quiet wink

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My point was precisely that they didn't need to "gloss" over things. They can be quite clear that they disapprove of XH's actions and his GF's actions from years ago. That doesn't mean that they need to continue to reject him or his significant other for the rest of their lives. Judgmental, unforgiving, no compassion, unloving. That is the example I hate to see your kids exposed to. It really is not good for them to have their father's family so splintered and to have the person who is essentially their stepmother so demonized. XH and his GF did very bad things, years ago. Most people do very bad things at some point in their lives, some not quite so bad, some worse. Are most people to be forever damned by their families, ireedeemable?


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