I did a privacy review of my name, my email address, etc., and found one of them linked back to posts I made back in Nov 07. I read for a little while, what I was going through then. That poor woman.
I realized that I have now been divorced longer than the amount of time I was trying to DB/save the marriage (and I know that I am a case study in what NOT to do - I was such a co-dependent mess!).
As much as I threw at the sitch, my desperation and depression, I think the overriding factor in getting past this, is time.
I think that DB, journaling, posting, therapy, GAL, friends, support groups, AlAnon, DBT training, meds, withdrawing to bed, crying, meditation, mindfulness, dabbling with dating, and all the rest, might have put a small dent into moving me forward... but the biggest thing was simply time.
For the most part, I have stopped wishing that things were different (all except wishing his gf were out of the picture, for the kids' sake, but again, I trust time will deal with those thoughts, as well). I am settled and enjoy my life.
School is out for the summer - I was able to wrap up a year where I was able to be fully present there, again. I had a lot of catching up to do, and I am back to a good place there. I am on track to complete the courses I need for my certification renewal. Some other financial aspects that I put on hold will be dealt with over the next few weeks, too (taxes, some medical bills). And more organizing / decluttering is on the bill daily while the kids and I are home.
But that will be after our trip - a friend from work and her husband invited the kids and I to go along with them on a 2-week trip down south. They have a little girl my daughter's age. I am excited about it and all of us are looking forward to it. They are laid-back people, more than even myself, so it should be interesting. I was pleasantly surprised to not get much flack at all from x - I've never had the kids solely for that long. He asked for the itinerary, my friend's cell, etc., and just asked that I make sure that they get in touch with him daily. He calls them every night at the same time when they are with me - they argue who is going to get the phone, often letting it just go to voicemail. I see how they compartmentalize their lives. I've asked them if they do the same when I call them when they are away- of course they say "no," but most of the time I can tell that they are involved with something so I just say a quick "I love you" and let them go back to what they are doing; if they want to talk more, I leave it up to them. It seems almost selfish when x pushes himself onto them; I don't want to do that. I get it that parents are much more "into" their kids than vice-versa...it's the natural way of things, so they can grow up and become independent. Not sure if x gets that, but oh, well.
When we come back, my son will only be home for a day or two before he goes off to Boy Scout camp for most of the summer, a last-minute opportunity. He may even have a paying job there, but could CIT as a backup. They only get 24 hours a week off, so it will be a huge adjustment for me and our little family. It is a year earlier than I expected - he is only 14. But it will be good for him - he seems ready (so I have to be!)
My x and I met through Scouting, and this is a long tradition, especially at this summer camp, back on LI where we grew up. I am so happy for him that he will be able to do this, especially after such a tough school year for him.
The kids are with their father this weekend, so I am free to be me. I stayed up late watching nonsense and reverting to my innate, inner vampire (I was such a nightowl before kids!), celebrating the freer schedule of summer. I slept in, took a luxurious bath, had plans to go see the fireworks but it looks like it may be rained out, so maybe a movie. I don't envy people who have year-round work - not sure if I could do that (well, at least). I need the cycles of school years, the time to recharge.
Life goes on, and while it might not be what I expected, it's not bad, either.
Well, they say forgiveness is more for you than the person being forgiven. I think forgiveness may come in stages, some never get to the last one but any progress is always a bonus! Carrying all the anger and bitterness is just too exhausting. I've always thought that when I go before the Lord I can say I did everything I could to save the M, what my spouse says is between her and God, it's not in my hands. Btw, what is DBT training?
Just got back from vacation. The kids and I had a really good time, even though I did come down with a cold/fever/bad ear infection that laid me out for part of it. Still managed to get them to a few theme park visits, plus swimming, bike riding, etc. The other family who we went with were great. I had hoped to meet up with some of my friends and family while we were down in FL, but the timing was off.
I still find myself thinking about my old life when things are quiet...seems like such a long time ago, like ex was someone in a dream somewhere. I guess I still have the "sitch" in my hand at times, fiddle with it, turn it over and over, but the rough edges of that rock have worn down and gotten smooth with time - it is smaller, with no (ok, with few) cutting shards. I made the mistake of looking through FB, and the gf finally posted pics of her and ex together as her profile pic: a vacation shot, an event they attended. It was.....weird, surreal, I guess. Someone I don't know told her the picture was great. It used to be me. Now, there she is, hair dyed blonde (which matches mine). Next to him, with his arm around her. No tears, just a mild surprise. A flash of anger, I think. And one of my exSIL's has recently become friends with her on FB (we are not). The one who said she never liked her (having met her at various family parties we had thrown over the years) - guess she got over that.
My (ex)in-laws are going down to visit their youngest son this weekend - his baby will be a year old, and it is a family party. Mom forgets sometimes that I wouldn't automatically know about these things, anymore. She was so excited to show me the gifts she had bought the baby, what she knitted for him. It is beyond clear now that I am not welcome to ever know this nephew...never met him. My kids are with their father this weekend, so there was no "need to know." I think it is still a little unsettling that my kids go on, continue having relationships with family that I am no longer privledged to - they will grow up having this whole other life that I am not included in. It looks like ex got what he wanted, to a large extent - it is like I have simply disappeared and she has taken my place.
I'm not crying over this...the word "sad" doesn't even cover it right. It is just so...strange. A quote from a movie just floated up to the surface: "Very few people surprise me." "Yeah, well, you're lucky. Most of 'em shock the hell outta me."
I went to the doctor today about my ear (it will heal). Waiting room reading: There was an article on Vince Gill and Amy Grant (I hadn't followed the story). She talked about how her first husband literally begged her not to go, but she "couldn't imagine not living life with Gill by her side." And how this Christian couple had struggled and succeeded in blending the two families. That there were many different paths for Christians, and that God had made marriage for people, not people for marriage (wth that is supposed to mean is beyond me). Still hard not to judge. Hell, the longer I go on and the more I see, it seems that I am the one with beliefs that seem far out of touch with the mainstream.
I wonder if I am or am becoming bitter. If, now that I am finally comfortable on my own, if I will ever have time / emotional room / interest from another person and a new relationship. Just before I met my ex at the young age of 16, I had decided that I would always be alone - no one would want me. I think that I am coming back to that mindset, again (at least the alone part).
Not contacting + developing new interests + not checking online + getting fit + eating well +resting + doing things we enjoy + learning new things + writing about how we feel + making new plans for the future … all starts to add up to a totally new life. That starts to look more inviting than the old one. There’s a theory in NLP that you will hang onto the past exactly UNTIL your future looks brighter to you.
So it makes sense that if you invest NO time developing that bright future – if you are just obsessing about the past, devoting all your time to building a shrine to it – well naturally the future, with no new things or habits or challenges – is not going to inspire. If you start to put that same obsessional devotion into your own life, and making changes – it starts to look more appealing. And the whole thing starts to reshuffle and you actually FEEL like you are moving in a forwards direction rather than backwards or sideways!
S turned 15 today!! We went to the bank and opened a savings and checking account just for him yesterday. Also got him all the gear he needed and packed for his month-long camp counselor gig - he is working in Scoutcraft. He is really such a good kid....I hope that his current energy, along with this work experience, finally gets through to him when school starts.
I was used to having the kids around me all the time with vacation - on my own this weekend. I have to finish getting things squared away, then catch up on paperwork, chores, etc. There is a local Irish band playing tomorrow night I might see.
