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Originally Posted By: Stronger
Hello All....many/most of you won't remember me. But I used to be on here pretty much everyday, all day. I got so much help and hope and support here...it really was my life line during a very very dark time.

Quick background, H left November 2008. He had an EA turned PA. She leaves and goes off into the sunset without him.

We have a four year old son together.

Update...We are divorced. We finalized in April.

But the reason I'm here is to tell you, I'm fantastic. I will also tell you, fight for your marriage. I am so very very glad I did. I'm so glad I GALed my a$$ off and survived this. I'm so glad I can tell my child Mommy fought with all her heart and soul for her marriage...and not because of my son...it was mostly for me and my H.

So let me take you back over the last 7 months.

November 2009. It's about the middle of the month before Thanksgiving. It's basically one year since H left. I'm talking to my hysterical Korean mother that I love more than life. We're talking about nothing really, just idle chit chat, like the weather and blah blah blah. Out of nowhere she says "Do you want to know why I hate H?" Shocked me because it was out of the blue and said with true venom. I said "Sure." She says that she hated him because her daughter now sounds sad. "For the first time in my life, you sound so sad. And it's in your voice. I don't think I could look at you right now because it might make me kill him." She went on to say that her favorite thing about me was the life in me, the happiness. And now, it was all gone. She said "You almost sound dead."

Well, that just about killed me. I was heart broken. My mother is the hardest working woman I know. She's the strongest woman I know. She's the best woman I know. I'm so proud of her and to be her daughter. I love the parts of me I know I've gotten from her.

So that was the start of my "come to the light" moment. I thought and thought and thought and thought for the next week or so. When it was done, I had come to the realization I had to move on. So I did.

I really went out and lived. I really looked at my son. I reconnected with friends. I hit the exercise hard and changed my diet. I got a new hair do. Got involved in some other projects in and out of work. I volunteer now. Etc, etc, etc.

Mind you, I did many of these things before as I was fighting for my marriage. But this time, I really did it. It wasn't just motion, this involved my new heart and new outlook. I was ready.

December 2009. My H notices these vast changes in me. Plus I'm no longer really hanging out with him. I'm not talking about stuff related to us, AT ALL. Matter of fact, I'm avoiding it. This month, I make love to him. For the last time. It was sad and wonderful at the same time. I really closed that chapter in my life...the one where I fought for my marriage.

January 2010. Life is better. More clear. I'm talking with my lawyer about what I need and want and really in my heart, trying to be fair and honest. Not trying to screw him. I start telling people at work. I take off my rings.

February 2010. I publicly change my name back to my maiden name. I decided to do this because H and I have very public jobs and as I was telling people we were divorcing many were so happy for me because they knew he had been cheating on me. It was amazing how liberating all of that was for me. I know many of want to keep this quiet and as you're fighting for your marriages, you should. But I want you to know, if it comes to this point for you, you can do it. People are wonderful and supportive.

March 2010. I tell H we can finalize later in the year. This would behoove us financially but from now on I wanted him to be clear I considered the marriage over and done and I was ready to move on with my life. He asked "What does that mean? Are you bleeping someone now?" No, that's not what it meant, but it did mean I was moving on and open to meeting new people and doing new things. I was ready for a life that did not include him except as our S's father.

End of March/April 2010. H starts to freak out. It was hard to watch and deal with. For so long all I wanted was for him to come home and say "I'm here. I love you and let's work this out. Let's be happy and married. I can do this. I can commit here to you and our family." When it happened, it was the worst thing I could imagine. I wanted to cry, hit him, scream, hug him....all of the above. But more than anything...I wanted him to shut up and leave.

He gets mad and pushes to finalize. He didn't believe I would sign until his lawyer called and said I had signed.

He continued to try to come home. He then pulled back and just tried to have sex with me. Neither has happened.

Basically folks, I came to realize...he would do it again. I once asked during his freak out "Will you go to counseling?" He said no. I don't know how we could have moved forward and worked on this without help. I do know in my heart he would do this again. And then my S would be older and truly understand what was happening and again, I would be heart broken. Maybe even worse.

MW does say in Divorce Remedy that IF you get divorced, you will survive. She even says there would be many people gasping and maybe even angry with her for saying that, but she's right and I'm glad she did say it.

Bottom line....listen to what you read in that book. Take it to heart. Oddly enough, it was when I truly gave up H wanted to come home. That's why you detach and live your life. By the time H wanted to come home though I really had changed and moved on.

Today. Today we are getting along. He still tries to be intimate which just makes me laugh. Every now and then he'll say something along the lines of getting back together and I say "I'll never say never but I can tell you...it ain't happening right now! You still have some growing up to do." And I do mean that.

Never give up hope but don't stop living either. Please please please take care of you and make sure you are happy. I know it's so dark right now you can't even imagine. I do remember those days. I remember them so well I can't believe I'm where I am now, but I promise you, you will be ok. One way or another.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Friends~

You didn't really think you could get rid of me that easy did you?

I have been here, mostly reading, I may drop a line here or there, however that is about it.

Not much has changed in my sitch, however I have changed by leaps and bounds since I first came onto this board...

Wednesday, the lawyer will be officially hired.

H has hired one as well and has taken to bullying tactics in order for me to give him the D his way.

I have seen more lawyers in the past 16 months than I ever wanted to see, now I have settled on the best one I could hire.

It is bound to get uglier before it gets better so I am preparing myself for that.

I have a fantastic support system in place which includes a few DB members as well.

If you would have told me a year ago, I would be in this place, happier, healthier and looking forward to what the day brings, I would have called you a liar.

By removing myself from "limbo" I was able to finally start healing myself, I still have bad days however they are becoming further and further apart.

"Dropping the rope" was the best thing I ever did, I just wish it hadn't taken me so long...

Yet I think and see how much healthier time has made me...Mentally, physically and most important, spiritually...

I am now on the road to becoming a minister with my ultimate goal being a Pastor ~ ME!! grin grin

I have learned so much in the past year...Some beliefs have been re-enforced, some have been altered and some have dropped.

The most important lesson I have learned?

I am a beautiful woman who has much more self-worth than I gave myself credit for.

I have strength I never knew even existed...

I am no longer a doormat ~ That was the most important lesson for me to learn...

I have a mind, I have feelings and I have an opinion...

None of those are stiffled any longer.

To the newcomers, two things for you...

Time really is a wonderful healer...

Limbo is something you allow yourself to be put into...

The same person who put you into limbo is the same one that can take you out ~ You.

((((((Hugs))))))

I will be around. smile


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted By: WhatNow
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In the meantime if I did decide to date would that be a bad thing? I miss the company of a woman, and well I feel like if one came along some dating could be enjoyable.
Don't look for band-aids or distractions. It is time for you to look in the mirror.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer

Becoming mysterious isn't your answer here.

Your ANSWER is to validate HER. You are trying to validate everything she does and says EXCEPT THE ONE AND MOST IMPORTANT THING... That is that she WANTS OUT..

Every time she says she is done and wants out, you always tell her that isn't what you want. That is NOT validating her and what she wants.

If she wants out and you say you love her then you should love her enough to allow her to leave and allow her to divorce you.

There is only ONE way to validate her that works in these situations....

It goes like this... "WS, I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I NOW realize that you really don't want this marriage or me anymore. I realize that what I have done in the past has destroyed any chance of you ever loving me again. I now realize that I have been trying to keep you and get you to love me back with making some changes that should have been made a long time ago. I now realize that no matter how much I try and no matter how much I wanted this to work that your mind is made up and your feelings are not going to change. I now AGREE that it is too late and that we can not make this work. I will no longer make an effort to try to save this marriage. We need to decide how we are going to separate our things such as the house, the money, etc... I think it would be best if you moved out. Your dad should have your place ready shortly and I think it would be best if you moved there while we take care of the divorce process. Don't worry about me and my parents and the house. I will handle it. I am sorry that I haven't been paying attention to how badly you wanted out, but after this weekend it really hit me that it isn't going to work and that you are RIGHT."


And THEN you start going out and doing things like you started to yesterday.. Acting mysterious BEFORE telling and showing her you FINALLY get it is a waste of time. It will be more productive for you AFTER you give her the I am letting go for good speech. It is YOUR letting go that could turn her around. IT isn't going to turn around ever, if you don't let go. NEVER. It will NEVER turn around UNTIL you let go and agree with her. If you agree with her stance then and only then do you have a chance.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Coach
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Women are ATTRACTED to men with EMOTIONAL STRENGTH... strength in times of stress. Strong when all around them is crumbling.. THAT is the strength she will respond to.
To get there you don't need to understand what your WAW is thinking but understand what she is feeling. Why your actions are making her feel the way she does. Confidence, poise, and self-control are actions you take as a man that make a woman feel attracted to you and safe in your presence. Doesn't mean you don't have fear but have the courage to handle it the right way. You have to be emotionally strong to lead like this.

Use what currently works, understand what doesn't work and why you keep doing it anyway, find a new behavior, try it and keep it if it works. This works for me - Thoughts proceed Emotion and emotion proceeds Action -TEA. Your woman needs to know her man can control his emotions to take the right action when needed. This is a primal instinct that is hardwired in us.
Changing my beliefs, changes my thoughts, which in turn changes my emotions and ultimately changes the actions I take.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Serenity13
It is much easier once the LBS realizes they are worth way more than what is in front of them, accept what has become, take note that this is the only life you get, drop the rope and move on.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Wired
Just stopping in to post one last time in this particular section of these forums as I cannot foresee what the following weeks hold in store for me. I do look forward to them with open eyes now and a different perspective then when I first came here. I am ready now for any outcome be it the end of one thing or the beginning of another.

I am also not going to link to my past stitches as they are exactly that. The past, I cannot change the past, and I will not dwell there as I will never go back to being the same person. I guess you could say I have become “Enlightened” from what I have read in these very forums and reading Divorce Busting 3 times now. (Plus countless other books)

Would like to leave one bit of advice for any newcomer who may read this and are going through the whirlwind of a marriage gone wrong, you will have many questions and will try so many things and await an outcome.

But in my personal opinion only, you will fail at all advice given here if you do not reach the point that you truly believe in your mind, body and soul that this is not the end of the world. You have to come to the point were you are willing to accept everything and anything that comes your way and have the self confidence that you can and will over come.
There is a quote somewhere in this forum that goes roughly like this “A soldier cannot do his job until he realizes he is already dead”. For me that is the one saying that has stuck in my mind since day one. And yes like many here, I half assed attempted much of the advice given in this forum and from DB and waited to see changes in my spouse. WRONG WRONG WRONG

You cannot change someone, they can only do that. You have to change yourself and BELIEVE in these changes. You have to be these changes and live them. I have heard many say that the “teachings” and advice in these forums are “faking”. Well I can tell you now that if you are “faking” you will fail miserably at trying to save your marriage.

My example: I have always wanted to be a professional photographer. But I let fear of circumstances in my marriage stop me from pursuing this. 4 weeks ago I bought a top end camera and a couple really sweet lenses to go with it. I made some phone calls to my local Parks and Recreation and now I have so many calls coming in for me to shoot various events I have almost everyday booked with something to do I love. You would not believe how much peace and happiness this has brought to me. It’s like the sun is shining through the clouds for the first time in months, maybe years. I have become a much more relaxed, even tempered, smiling, open and caring person you would ever want to meet. Did it piss my wife off when I went out and dropped all that cash on a new camera? Of course it did. But what is she going to do? Divorce me? LoL wait till she sees what I am bringing home from Murphy’s camera today after work.

But the key here is over these past few weeks I began to do much inner soul searching and realized what I had been doing wrong. (Thinking is much easier when you have some peace in your life, believe me.) I did not believe that I was a better person. I was waiting for changes in my wife instead of focusing on changes inside myself.
So in closing, this is what has worked for me. I read through DB 3 times until I fully understood what was being told there. I read dozens if not hundreds of posts in these forums.
I began to follow the advice but I was still not getting the point and I was not getting anywhere and started to fall into that black hole that I started at.
Only when I began to truly believe in myself and find inner peace with what was going on in my life have a truly reached what I feel what is success.
Will this save my marriage? I do not know. But regardless of the outcome I am now prepared for tomorrow and could really care less about yesterday.
I do apologize for such the long post, but if it helps one person here then I have accomplished something.

P.S. Thank you all who have taken the time to help me through the dark times and given so much advice and support, I truly appreciate it and will be following it now the way I should have been 6 months ago.







"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
A Note to all Newcomers, Piecers and those Currently Suffering from the Hell that is Infidelity:

You would be wise, indeed, to do a search of Hope4Us's past posts, and study his entire volume of work. If MulesQB's is the best example I can think of of a marriage that ENDED, nevertheless, being successfully DB'd, then Hope4Us's is the best example that I've ever seen here on a successfully-RECONCILED marriage. The best mix of tough stance exposure, combined with an unrelenting patience in the face of a formerly wayward spouse's initial stubbornness and unrepentance.

Mulesqb
Hope4Us


You can't go wrong to study those two guys. They truly embody "Strength and Honor" in their DBing.

All my best to you and your wife, H4U. And may I add -- with apologies to my old friend Hairdog --

. . . "lucky bastard." grin

Puppy


Hope4US posts

H4US first post

MulesQB posts

MuleQB first post



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: TulsaTime
I'm going to give my experience as to what worked on me and got my attention. I was the cheater in my marriage by the way. I was full into an affair and "in love".

My wife exposed to everyone. Her family, my family, our friends not the kids though). This didn't immediately stop me but it blew the fantasy off our affair and started me thinking about things that I hadn't really considered, like my kids.

After some initial pursuing, she stopped. She even handed me the cleaning supplies I needed so I could move into one of our rentals. She agreed that this OW was probably my soul-mate and dropped the rope. Reality was beginning to set in.

At this point, OW and I decided the affair was wrong, and would hurt innocent children so we broke it off. It was very difficult. I felt like my life and dreams were ending. My grieving process lasted about as long as the affair, which was short as my wife found out fairly early.

I've read that the grieving process lasts about as long as the affair lasts, so you can see the importance of busting the affair as early as possible.

Some things she did to get my feelings back for her - First, she dropped the rope. I wasn't as important as I thought I was. This was a blow to my ego and surprised me.

She didn't wallow in front of me or the kids. Any pain she felt, she did it in private. Once again, a blow to my ego.

She didn't drop the ball with the kids, or her job.

She went out and got some things done. New hairstyle, straightened her hair. New (sexy but classy) wardrobe, shoes, nails done, make up, etc. She was hot, confident and she showed it by her actions and attitude.

She started getting made up and going out on her own. Not recommending it, but going dancing, clubbing, some drinking. More wild. She took control of herself and the situation.

This turned my feelings around 180.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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