Caution note added by dbmod: this is the AFTER THE LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE... after you've tried everything else. These things can also end your marriage.
For those of you hurting and searching for your answers...
Setting them free is the key... It will also begin to set YOU free...
Love works best when it is freely given..
This means to those of you who have a wayward that your chances to reconcile will be maximized when you really set your wayward free to go. They have to feel that they are totally free.... As Dobson says.. Let the cage door open and let them out...
Funny thing is that once they have their freedom it suddenly doesn't have the same pazazz as they once thought it would. They have been trying so hard to get out of your grasp that they didn't have time to think about what they would feel once they were really free of you.... Think about that
I know this from my own experience with women and from my own observations...
Any thoughts? Anybody looking for help in setting them free? The faster you do, the faster things progress. Not only for YOU but maybe even for the whole relationship...
I have heard many people say "I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try everything"
Have you really tried setting them free? for good?
So, you are telling me that you are choosing to prolong your process. Even though letting go is the key, you are not going to let go? So you are choosing to take the road of failure?
I believe that it is very possible to be angry and yet let go. Who says you have to follow your feelings? Isn't that what is making you angry about your WS? That your wayward is following their feelings?
IF you never get the truth are you telling me that you will always be angry?
You may want to dig deeper into that anger. Anger is many times just a cover for a deeper emotion. What is the deeper emotion or emotions? Dig deeper for it. What is it that is really causing that anger? Once you find THAT answer is when you can get past it. What you think is causing the anger may not be the real truth. It may be someting else. Study up on anger.
No. I don't agree. How do you know that I haven't been giving successful advice for years to people that have a spouse in MLC? If they can self diagnose who is and isn't in MLC, then I can say that I have worked with people that could be diagnosed with the same thing.
My advice can also work if you just wait 2 or 3 or more years like the MLC advisers point out to be ready to wait and be patient etc. etc.. My advice of letting go could also take up to 5 years, like their advice...
Be careful with people who are diagnosing things as MLC by listening to a BS on an anonymous site. Not only could they be very very WRONG in their diagnosis, but in their advice EVEN if it is "MLC".. a term that is very loosely used. A term that is one that gives false hope to a person who doesn't want to face the other more correct diagnosis... which is.. the WS left them because their feelings changed and they found someone else and are having an affair... By saying your wayward is in MLC gives you hope.
Show me how many examples on the MLC threads of the experts telling a newbie that they have come to the diagnosis that their wayward was NOT in MLC....
That should be your key to be careful on using that as a crutch because you don't want to come to terms with what may be the real reality..... From my observations on this site it could almost be said that every single WS must be in MLC.
So, be prepared to hear that it may take years and years of pain and misery and waiting.. and even THEN your chances aren't any better than they are if you just let go now and chalk it up to an affair.
I don't know how someone can know if my advice doesn't work on MLC'ers if I don't go on there and aren't giving advice to any. Doesn't add up. Jack what's his name is just angry at me from something a while back. I think I get on his nerves.
A term that is one that gives false hope to a person who doesn't want to face the other more correct diagnosis... which is.. the WS left them because their feelings changed and they found someone else and are having an affair... By saying your wayward is in MLC gives you hope.
I remember trying to wrap this label onto my H as well so long ago i seems...
Over time I have come to realize MLC is nothing more than an excuse for poor judgement and extremely bad behavior...
In my opinion, MLC is more for the left-behind spouse, it allows them to "excuse" their wayward spouses behavior because they can't face the fact that their spouse is doing whatever it is that they are doing.
What is even sadder is the LBS will wait "years" because they just can't accept the reality that is in their face.
It is much easier once the LBS realizes they are worth way more than what is in front of them, accept what has become, take note that this is the only life you get, drop the rope and move on.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
In six years and well over 15,000 posts here, I have noticed another similar -- but related -- dynamic to all of this.
POSTERS who are uncomfortable with the thougher methods often slowly gravitate toward the MLC forum, from the Newcomers and the Infidelity forum. Oh, sometimes they'll try the affair-busting/tougher-love approach without success (and of course, NO one can guarantee success, as the wayward spouse has a lot to do with it!), and so one can't fault them for wanting to try something different. That's not who I'm talking about.
I'm talking about DOZENS of people who NEVER DO try the more confrontational, firmer approaches advocated in Newcomers and Infidelity, get tired of being reminded that they're being doormattish, and then -- ((poof!)) -- you'll find them over on the MLC forum, where the advice feels more COMFORTABLE to them.
I'm not sure where I stand on the whole "is MLC real" thing. It's probably a lot like ADHD in kids: real, but WAY over-diagnosed.
I've only seen one of two methods ever work with a wayward and/or cheating spouse: either Allen A's consistent, boundary-laying, affair-exposing, throw-everything-you-got-at-'em approach . . . or, Robx's/Gucci's "You know what, I agree, maybe this is best as I'm tired of your crap behavior anyway/time to move on" approach. Or perhaps some combination of the two.
"Still at the end of every hard-earned day, people find some reason to believe" -- Bruce Springsteen