Gardener. Being a friend does not necessarily mean best pals/buds, it can also mean "friendly". No one can be a true friend to someone who has done what they've done to you and others here. True friends don't do what they've done and continue to do.
Do not second guess yourself. I've followed your postings and you've done everything you can to be friendly and supportive to your xw.
Move forward and some day, the dynamics of your communication/relationship w/your xw may change, but it won't be for a long time.
It's time to focus on you and your future.
I'm honored. I have gleaned so much from your Runaway MLC thread from several years back. Read it all. And printed much out.
Much new insight. Much reinforcing what I had intuited over the months. Friends? No. She ended our friendship. Repeatedly.
I don't know how long you've been following, but a couple of months ago I "interviewed" 4 new ICs. At that time, I posted
Originally Posted By: Gardener
I also consulted with a psychiatrist who I saw for 6 or so sessions in '06 as I undertook quitting alcohol. Back then, I had I asked Mrs. G. to accompany me and, thankfully, she did; it helped a lot. When I brought him up to date on the last 4+ years, and the walk away, inexplicable alien behavior of former wife (adding a description of her horrid FOO and upbringing) as well as the sudden death of her physically abusive father five months before the Bomb, he made a most interesting comment: "I always had a sense that Mrs. G. was speaking from a place of deep trauma."
Her father died and ended our marriage. And then, 6 weeks or so after our divorce, this exchange:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
X: Well, since you had said once in the Mediator's office that you wanted to still be friends, I thought it would be nice to...start. G: (Pause) I think you misunderstood. You had used the word "civil" and I said I hated that word but I would always act friendly and polite. ACT friendly. X: Surprised. Silence. G: X, you ended our friendship. The way I view it, if any friend - (citing three of mine:) friend 1, friend 2, or friend 3 - any friend demonstrated to me - proved to me - that their word, their promise, their commitment, let alone vow, was meaningless, worthless, I would consider that friend to have ended our friendship at that point. You ended our friendship many times in many ways throughout this. You've made it clear that you are no longer my friend and I don't want to be yours. X: Well, um, I guess I certainly misunderstood that.(coversation @ mediator's) G: I'll act friendly and polite if we find ourselves at a family function or something. Friendly and respectful. X:(some kind of mumbled comment which felt like a "how big of you" sarcasm.) I ignored it, smiling. G: X, friends don't do the things you've done.
Ant that's where I remain to this day.
Long before I pieced this all together, I remember telling my IC more than once, "I will be okay. I will come out of this. But I have the feeling that my dear friend is in for a big fall."
Thanks, again, snodderly. For everything.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener, you kicked alcohol too! I haven't had a drink in at least 30 years. The army taught me to drink and I discharged the habit early with a little help from a rehab program. The army used to have a commercial that sang "There's no life like it and I won't forget the day that I learned to live the Forces way" We used to sing "there's no bar like it, and I won't forget the day that I learned to drink the Forces way" Hey, beer was cheap, hell they used to line us up for a beer ration when we were out in the boonies somewhere. Anyway, enough of that, but I'm damn proud of the fact that through all the stress I've been through while DBing and afterwards, I have never touched a drop. A friend once asked me if I was tempted but I said that anything that would threaten my access to my kids is not an option! What's your story, only if you want to share it, don't feel you have to!
Whereas last Sunday I went through the whole day without realizing - until about bedtime - that it was X's birthday, tonight I am very aware that tomorrow would have been our eighteenth anniversary and Monday is nineteen years since the day we met.
Last year, I just got out of Dodge for the weekend. Went up to the Adirondacks and climbed my first mountain.
No such desire (or funds) this year.
Was going to just take off early for the day and follow my nose, but after @10:30 house showing tomorrow, someone's coming by to look at a couple of items I craigslisted.
I'll probably just take off after that. And drive.
And in the final analysis, it was all so unnecessary - to me. And all so very necessary - somehow - to her. (sigh).
Once my bride, the love of my life.
Now the person who ran and destroyed everything.
A shame. Just a shame.
"Seems my love has up and left me with no warning... All things must pass All things must pass away." George Harrison
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Anniversaries can be so hard! They bring back the pain but, on the bright side, it gets less as time goes on. My anniversary is on Christmas Eve, the Pastor thought it would be so romantic and we went for it! The last few years of our marriage we would take our kids out to "celebrate" with us because there was really nothing left to celebrate together. Anyway, do something that you'll enjoy tomorrow, this too shall pass
Gardener, you kicked alcohol too!... What's your story, only if you want to share it, don't feel you have to!
from '04 to '06 I began self-medicating a steady buzz every single night with wine. Why I did is a long story and irrelevant now. I looked into many options when I realized this had gotten out of hand. While I had a few friends who had been turned around by AA, It didn't resonate with me at all. If it works for others, God bless. But I felt, despite being a deeply religious person, that AA was too religious for me. Also, I felt: I was not diseased. Not insane. Not powerless. My life had not become unmanageable. Did not accept that relapse was an inevitable occurrence. Did not believe that I could quit only one day at a time (if there was an addictive side to me, I imagine it would love to hear, "I'm just not going to drink today." Its imagined response? "Fine. I'll be back tomorrow."
Through much research, I found Rational Recovery (both the book and the program) and it resonated with me. I quit and never looked back. No discomfort. No white knuckle, lip-biting experiences. Just stopped. February 6, 2006. Walked away. No problem. This told me I was abusing it but not addicted to it. Sometimes - sometimes - as Rational Recovery puts it, it's simply "Stupid behavior in a non-stupid person."
My story. My solution. I'm not recovering. I recovered. Others must take the path that resonates and works for them.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Interesting, I've never heard of the recovery program you mentioned. I'll check it out for interest. I never went the AA route either, it just didn't click with me. I understand that when alcohol has been your life you may need something else to substitute in a more positive manner. AA provides incredible support and companionship for people in recovery but I just wanted that part of my life over. Hanging out with other recovering and former drunks every night of the week wasn't my choice and the religion thing didn't fly with me at the time. I chose a rehab program and an aftercare group there which met once per week. Thanks for sharing Gardener, I'm glad you found something that worked for you too.
After you have met your appointments today, take that drive and do something totally different. It's time now to make new memories and forge ahead.
Many of us have been right where you are today. Memories of special dates, holidays, etc. rear their ugly heads and remind us of what was. In time, those special dates will become less painful to you.
Time, my friend, is on your side. Healing will come for you at its own pace.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
