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It was in the way he said it Puppy: very patronizing. I shook it off and as he walked out the door to work he promised he would keep any and all bees away from me.

But it speaks to a pattern. I voice concern about something and he totally dismisses it out of hand as irrational. He spontaneously bought me a scooter even though I said I didn't really want one (I had joked about it after seeing all the scooters in Paris). When I took it out for the first time it totally freaked me out because I had never driven a motorcycle before, only ridden on the back. He just laughed at me and said it was easy and there was absolutely nothing to worry about. I signed up for a motorcycle safety class so I could learn how to safely ride and get used to it in a controlled environment. I didn't tell BF about it until after I finished. He asked me why I wasted good money doing that. Umm, for education, personal safety and my peace of mind. And why didn't I tell him about it? Because I guessed how he would respond and I was right.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/14/10 05:22 AM.

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And by the way, does it ever get easier watching TV shows / movies that portray infidelity? Watched The Office tonight and got very uncomfortable. It bothers me that it doesn't seem to phase BF at all, that he can sit there and laugh about someone having an affair. I know it's a sitcom. I didn't need to turn it off or leave the room, but I wonder if this twinge will ever go away.


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I know; me too. Three full years later, it still hurts.

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((( PH )))

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Hey Pearl...

I know what you mean about watching affairs - Just seeing something like that makes me sick to my stomach.

I have to agree with Puppy - tough crowd....

I am not in the best place to give advice but I think you might be looking for reasons why you two WON'T work, which could be the answer you are looking for right in front of you.

We all support you no matter what - HUGS.


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Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
And by the way, does it ever get easier watching TV shows / movies that portray infidelity? Watched The Office tonight and got very uncomfortable. It bothers me that it doesn't seem to phase BF at all, that he can sit there and laugh about someone having an affair. I know it's a sitcom. I didn't need to turn it off or leave the room, but I wonder if this twinge will ever go away.


I was at the Y on a treadmill when that episode came on. I couldn't turn it off, and the screen was right in front of me. Normally I like the office but that episode where he met his affair partner's husband...I just couldn't find the 'funny' in that. I don't know if that discomfort every really goes away...


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Update:

Things are pretty much status quo. Comfortable, good, but I still feel like something is missing and wonder if this is the right R for me.

Many people tell me that they don't think I am in love with BF. I tell them that I know I love him and people can't be in love all the time, it just doesn't work that way. Does it? I don't want to utter the dreaded ILYBNILWY, but I know that it's true. There is no longer a spark or a feeling of deep connection on my part. I was at my cousin's wedding a couple weeks ago and cried at their vows because the sentiment was so beautiful and I know I don't feel that way about BF.

On the flip side, we have a good life together. We compliment each other. We get along well. We have fun together. We weathered a terrible storm and our relationship has improved somewhat. We have been together for almost 10 years and that's nothing to sneeze at.

So basically it's the same old, same old.

The other night BF started a discussion about moving. The bottom line is that we decided that I will go to SF by myself to try it out. It's been 10 years since I left and I might not like it now. A place is always better when you're just visiting and perhaps I've built it up too much in my mind. Perhaps I will know that's where I belong and never want to leave.

Going alone will give me physical and emotional space to figure out what I want. I need to know if absence will make my heart grow fonder or if I will realize that I was simply avoiding change.

Plus it works out better practically speaking. I will work on finding a job and getting the house ready to sell. We already decided we want to downsize even if we end up staying here. God only knows how long the house will be on the market so BF can stay here and keep his job until it sells. He can come visit to see if he can handle living in SF and then we can make some decisions.

This is what I've been thinking about for the past few months but didn't want to bring it up because I thought BF would interpret it as me wanting to break up and go our separate ways. It makes me feel better that he's the one who voiced the idea so I don't feel like I'm somehow forcing or coercing him into it. He was crying as he talked about it so I know that it's not what he wants, but he acknowledged that it's something I need to do for me so he will support me.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can start moving forward. I already started looking for short-term rentals and feel motivated to actually start applying for jobs.

I always tell people to keep moving forward, it's about time I followed my own advice!


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Well feel free to look me up when you're here in SF!


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sounds like a good plan for you Pearl smile It must feel good to be taking action.

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@H4L - count on it! I'm targeting Oct. 1 so I can miss the summer fog. smile

@Ruled - thanks! I just read your update and am sorry to hear that H is unwilling to step up. You're right, you are a success story no matter how things end up with H. You know how to reach me if you ever want to talk.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 06/28/10 05:51 PM. Reason: read Ruled's update

If you love somebody, set them free.
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