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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
If you learn NOTHING ELSE from this whole ordeal, learn this:

In every situation, rather than operate from a basis of "How will she will react if I do thus-and-such? Will she be mad? How will her reaction make ME feel?", and replace it with

"What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What would God Himself have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?" . . . and then let any bluster from your wife, as a result, be just that: BLUSTER.

It's very liberating when you finally learn to do that, and realize . . . I'm still standing.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I ask her what is wrong and if she wants to talk, but she just says nothnig is wrong. I know her and I know that looks she has, and somethign is wrong.
Classic DAM. That's how us guys talk to each other.

Try this next time. Stop everything, focus on her, make eye contact, have open body language, speak calmly and listen carefully to her.

"I can feel that something is bothering you. How can I help you right now?"
Being compassionate, listening, validating, and respecting her wishes will go a long way.

H(compassionate tone): "How are you?"
W: "fine" (listen to her TONE).
H(compassionate tone): "You (look/sound) (upset/sad/tired/irritated.....)


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: robx
she is like that because she's insecure,
to make herself feel more secure, she has to make you feel bad because if she can make you feel bad, she make herself feel better, people with low self-esteem are notorious for this, they have to put on that hard bitchy exterior to make people believe they're tough but they're not,

and she uses whatever tactics she's used in the past that worked on you but they don't work anymore do they ;-)

When she acts all bitchy towards you, just smile confidently and ask her with a grin, "is there anything else I can do for you today princess? I'm a busy man and don't have a lot of time for your crap behavior, if you can't be respectful towards me, I can't waste any of more of my VALUABLE time" and smile and then walk away.

Don't tolerate her crap behavior and for pete's sake, DON'T REWARD her crap behavior with her attention, when you stop paying attention to her when she's "bitchy" and you make a habit of not tolerating this crap, you will eventually send a clear message to her, you have respect for yourself, enough respect to let go of the people in your life that don't value you or the relationship they have with you.

It's called setting boundaries, you decide how you let people treat you. If you allow them to treat you poorly, I bet you that they will, if you respect yourself and stop allowing people to act like this toward you, eventually they'll get the msg and stop - trust me, it works, it may not be an overnight transformation but it works!



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Your roadmap...

Be a HAPPY MAN... Repeat.. Be a HAPPY MAN...
Life is good.. Enjoy life. Be and act happy.


CONSISTENT, SILENT changes you have needed to make.
Don't say a word to her about those changes. Just make them.

Little things that you can do. Do them and don't mention them.

EXAMPLES...
Do you pick up after yourself? If not, then start doing it.

Hand her the remote to the TV. "Here honey, find something you want to watch.. (HAPPILY)

Walk up behind her when she is at the kitchen sink and give her a QUICK 5 or 10 second back rub and then whisper in her ear, "I just want you to know I love you"... then walk away as if you stopped by to rub her on your way to taking out the garbage or on your way to go mow the lawn.. (short, quick, then walk away)


When was the last time you took her car on your day off and filled it with gas, checked the oil, checked the air pressure, had it washed, etc?... (and said nothing when you brought it back) HAPPILY...

LITTLE THINGS....LITTLE THINGS.... THOUGHTFUL THINGS...

THOSE are the things that women notice in your situation that doesn't come across as pressure. THOUGHTFUL without being smothering.....


Give your DAUGHTER some extra money to go shopping with your wife. You DAUGHTER,not your wife. Do this when your wife isn't around. Just tell your daughter that you are proud of her and just wanted to let her know and to spend it as she wishes... (say nothing to your wife about this).....


THOSE are the types of things that wives respond to when in your type of situation. SILENT. Consistent. Do not bring up the things you do. Just do them.

That is a start. No relationship talk. Men are doers. Don't worry. She will notice.



Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Thanks.

One needs to be careful on this site with that type of advice.

After all.. One size does not fit all.. wink


I shouldn't have to,but I better clarify to Slip...

Don't do all of these things in one night okay? grin

Keep up your own hobby's and interests. HAPPILY.

Just learn to be observant and learn to be THOUGHTFUL..

Winning her back won't be all about flowers, romantic dates, gifts and cards... It will be more about the little things that gain her respect and then the other things like flowers and stuff will work their way in. Thoughtful things that you do that you don't mention to her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Questions:

1. What do you mean by "reacts in a negative way"?
2. Help me understand a little more about "if she is having an affair, she will not like if I do any of those things"


The information that I was giving was advice to put some new sparks in a boring M, and "if" she is not in an A.....she will like the new you and the attention you give her. She will be happy and I'm sure you won't have trouble realizing it. However, if she is involved emotionally or physically with another man, she will see the new attention as "smothering" her. She will be turned off by flowers/gifts and she will not really want to have special dates or trips, etc. Negative response is when she is not pleased with your attempts at reviving the R.

Some women can continue to have sex with their H even when they are in an A with OM. Some women can chat with their OM, get all hot & bottered, then want to have sex. So.....they go to bed with the H.

If your W does not act very happy at your changes aNd especially any pursuing behaviors, then it is a huge red flag that an A is in progress.



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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
There's a line between being a responsible adult and taking on a parenting role for your spouse that you keep crossing, and it just isn't healthy.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Very wise words:
Originally Posted By: Coach
She's not attracted to you. She's bored. She wants something to look forward to. It's important to plan things and make them fun and interesting. Make yourself attractive to your wife. Lead.

Originally Posted By: Coach
This is attractive to a woman. She wants to know all about your day - especially tough things you deal with. Men want to forget about the BS while women need to know about your drama. They need to know that if things get tough then you can handle it. My wife told me she didn't think I was tough. I went to The Citadel, flew in Desert Storm, have started teams, manage my own practice and have three kids. I have dealt with adversity but since I didn't share it with her she didn't feel I was tough. I shielded her from my misery, it's not healthy in a marriage. When your wife feels she is part of why you do what you do then all your dreams will come true.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted By: BrownEyes
...and just kept singing "Hokey Pokey" in my head so I did not break down....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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These are from Coach Wooden:

Quote:
Do not mistake activity for achievement.

Make each day your masterpiece.

Become the best you are capable of becoming.

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for another without thought of something in return.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.

Happiness begins where selfishness ends.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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