I thought it was maybe time to start a new thread as my old one is getting pretty long. I don't know how to link my old one, so here is a paste and copy version of my original sitch:
Thanks to all who replied and sorry for not including enough info! Here is the short version: married for 11 yrs together 14 4 kids-twin b-9, g-6, b-3 W on school board 4 yrs, never a problem. 9/08, she started staying out after sb meetings and having "a few beers". nbd. Started getting home later and later, 1:30 am. Any time a school function she would do the same.
We would drive separate and she would stay and help clean up and then call at 10:30 or so and say "going to have a few beers". Some nights would come home and be very horny. After one sbm, the wife of another sb member called my house around midnight asking if W was home yet bc her H was not. I said no and laughed about it saying they probably just lost track of time. Well, the seed was planted then and there.
Finally asked her if she was seeing someone after she went out after kids x-mas program 'til 1:00 am. She was shocked, how could I think that, no I'm not, I love you, just nice to go out without the kids and talk with adults. OK. The following months, nothing changed, still stayed out late, I withdrew, dreading the meetings, didn't stand up for myself, made her initiate sex, and she did but my heart and mind were elsewhere.
Summer time-new school superintendent. Volunteered to help at school during summer(she works part time) Lots of one on one time w new super. One Sat in late Sept. she comes home from work and says she is going to a poker run at a local bar, her brothers and sisters and friends are going to be there, can I watch the kids. She forgot I had Dr. appt, no I can't watch kids. She called her mom and took kids there, said I could come up if I wanted to or I could go fishing or do whatever I wanted. I said it would be nice to spend time with her without kids that we didn't do that enough.
She said to call her when I was on my way, which I did and she didn't answer. Left msg asking where to meet. She called back while I was getting gas and left msg where she was if I wanted to come or I could go do something else if I wanted. When I got there, talked to her family, they had not seen her in a while, finally found her outside with new super who lives an hour away.
I figured this was why she didn't want me to come. Stayed for ten minutes and couldn't take it any more. Tapped her on the shoulder and told her I didn't feel good and was leaving. She didn't get up and ask what was wrong and I left. She called a few min later and asked if I was going to get the kids. I said no and hung up. She came home several hours later, drunk, with the kids and went right to bed. Two days later she asked what was wrong. I said I felt like a third wheel with my own wife.
Why did she invite him and not me. She just mentioned it at school and forgot to tell me, I don't like hanging around with her fam and friends anyway, she said. She swore nothing was going on and had great make up sex. I looked at her cel phone that night for the first time and there were lots of calls to and from his cel and lots of txt msgs. Nothing too personal but more than just "sb business".
The next fri. I was going on school trip with kids and she told me i didn't need to go there were enough parent and to save my day at work for something else. OK. I picked the kids up that night at my sister's house. The kids asked why I didn't go, I said bc i had to work, did they have a good time? Small talk. Then they asked why mom rode with super. I said I didn't know, no big deal. That nite after kids were in bed I asked her what the hell was going on.
She said he asked her to ride and then talked about his DIVORCE and how she was holding things up bc she couldn't get over AFFAIR he had a couple years ago. He just needed to vent. Are you kidding me? She said don't you trust me, I said don't you see the sitch you are putting yourself in. We're just friends I would never do anything to hurt you or the kids. The following months nothing changed, lots of calls and txts, sometimes at 1 or 2 in the am. Asked why he would txt her at that time, she doesn't know will tell him not to but how dare I accuse her of anything. After making love one night I told her that I wish she would stop the sb and she threw a fit. I am not in love with you anymore, how can you not trust me, I will always love you but I'm not in love with you. Back and forth it goes. If I came home from work and she was in a bad mood, I was in a bad mood and I've read enough in here that I have started to act as if all is well with the world.
She has brought up separation twice and then said both times that was to get through to me that she was not cheating and she didn't really want that, that we would work thing out but it would just take time. Will not consider marriage couns. I have talked to our priest and have started taking anti dep meds. I'm at the end of my rope. She insist on kissing goodbye and goodnight but there is no I love you and no touching, just a kiss like I would give my sister. When I have tried to leave without a kiss she throws a fit so I do it just to save a fight even though I want to hold her so bad it hurts.
We are still living together and talking a little better lately, but she refused to talk about anything saying it will just take time.
There's the not so short version and I'm sure I've left some thing out, but you get the idea. Sounds common I'm sure but I NEED HELP and IDEAS!!! I don't want to lose my family. Thanks for reading and listening and please help!!!
Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I was a complete wreck when I first posted her.This place has been a great help to me. Thanks to all who have taken the time to post. I have learned a lot and continue to learn not only how common most of these sitch's are, but how much work I really need to do on myself.
Maybe the most important thing I have learned is to stand up for myself and my family. Be a leader. Don't be afraid of my W. Thanks again to all who have helped me learn the hard lessons. I know I have kind of quoted Coach here, but don't mean to minimize the other help I have got from complete strangers who have helped me through the toughest time in my life.
Time to move ahead with whatever comes my way. I can handle it.
Okay, question about the next phase with my relationship with my W and our M, S, or D.
I am detached enough that I will be fine with either outcome. Of course, I would prefer a new, better M with her. That would be best for she and I and our four children.
I have noticed that it took some people filing for D to wake their spouses up. Some people hang on for years making changes in themselves and living life to the fullest but not making a move to end things. Sometimes, the WAS sees the changes and comes around. Coach and Greek for instance. An inspiring story to be sure.
I have made changes in myself and know there is more work to be done. I still make mistakes and am not, sometimes, as "happy" as I should be around my W. I do tell her thanks for coming when she does something as a family. A lot of other things that I took for granted I make sure and mention, also. It still seems as though she is not putting forth any effort, yet she won't leave or do anything she has threatened. Home life is still a roller coaster. The difference is my reaction to her. Like I said, I know I'm not always successful, but I don't let her get to me like I used to. I let her be and carry on like all is well with the world.
That being said; I know in the past I was told not to tell her that I went to see a lawyer. I have the name of a different one who I would like to go talk to. Is it time to follow through with what I told her a while back that if she won't leave and file, that I will file myself?
I have made another C appt. for myself in a couple of weeks. I will tell her I am going and ask if she would like to make an appt. for herself or go together again. I don't know what she will say since she pretty much told the MC she was done the one and only time we did go.
I know we could do this. I have seen or heard nothing of the OM for a month or so. She has a board meeting this coming Mon., so we'll see how that goes. I am just sick and tired of living in limbo. I am strong enough, now, to do the heavy lifting. I want to push myself and the M one way or the other. It is obvious she is fine with the way things are. I'm not.
Is it time for me to tell her I'm going to a L or continue to stick it out while setting boundaries? She has respected some things and others she has excuses to why she didn't.
Please forgive me if some of this is redundant, but I have screwed up so many times in the past that I don't want to mess it up more that I have.
I have a hard time with her being the one who requested that the two of you go to MC, but then during the session she tells the counselor "I'm done". What's up with that? If that's the case, why did you suggest counseling, woman?
Quiet with regard to the OM doesn't necessarily mean anything. It could be she is being more careful with the communication. I got my hopes up in this way myself, all for naught.
I don't see her doing anything else without prompting from you. If she was serious about counseling and applying the lessons learned there, it would be pretty obvious to you.
She won't file, either. A lot like my W. Doesn't like the marriage, but doesn't have the guts to end it, and doesn't want to do anything to improve it. There's really only one course of action then.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I have a hard time with her being the one who requested that the two of you go to MC, but then during the session she tells the counselor "I'm done". What's up with that? If that's the case, why did you suggest counseling, woman?
I suggested it about 6 mos. ago and she wanted nothing to do with it. It took me exposing things to her parents and brothers and sisters and her throwing a fit about my doing so for her to bring up us going to MC. BTW, she told the counselor when I told her family, that was when she lost all respect for me. Anyway, I always had the feeling she was just going to be able to say "she tried".
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Quiet with regard to the OM doesn't necessarily mean anything. It could be she is being more careful with the communication. I got my hopes up in this way myself, all for naught.
I am well aware of this.
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I don't see her doing anything else without prompting from you. If she was serious about counseling and applying the lessons learned there, it would be pretty obvious to you.
I guess this is my main question. How much prompting? How much pushing? Do I just go ahead and retain a L and file myself?
I want to do things right. I'm not afraid of losing her but don't want to push her farther away, if that makes sense.
Thanks, as always for the reply, Pigskin. I hope things are well with you.
I don't see her doing anything else without prompting from you. If she was serious about counseling and applying the lessons learned there, it would be pretty obvious to you.
I guess this is my main question. How much prompting? How much pushing? Do I just go ahead and retain a L and file myself?
I want to do things right. I'm not afraid of losing her but don't want to push her farther away, if that makes sense.
Thanks, as always for the reply, Pigskin. I hope things are well with you.
What I was getting at was that you will likely have to drag her kicking and screaming into anything that smacks of reconciliation. It will be of no use.
How much prompting? I would say none. If you see a stalled situation, call BS on it. She has nowhere to go, so of course she wants to string you along as long as possible.
Perhaps MC was the bone she threw to you to buy time. Tell her "Look, I am not going back into fence sitting mode. We're either working on piecing this marriage back together or we're working on dissolving it. I'm not willing to settle for a 'two ships passing in the night' relationship like so many other marriages. If you don't want a healthy, loving marriage with ME, then lets get to work on the legal stuff."
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
