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CTH,
Done.
Thanks!


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Catching up, Gardener.

I'll just subtly point out that VT ain't far at all from CT.

And that outdoor sculpture garden thing could be sort of on the way.

I'm beginning to see that there are some possibilities that weren't an option in committed R. Not that that was a bad thing, and not that I'm jumping for joy to have the freedom now...just saying.

so you can osmose on that, if that helps...

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So I suspect if you are moving cross country, you will be passing through for our lunch date eh?

And I love flowers wink LOL...gas station or not, the gesture was a beautiful one. I am sorry your ex didn't appreciate it...


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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aver.
Originally Posted By: avermont
Catching up, Gardener.

I'll just subtly point out that VT ain't far at all from CT.

And that outdoor sculpture garden thing could be sort of on the way.

I'm beginning to see that there are some possibilities that weren't an option in committed R. Not that that was a bad thing, and not that I'm jumping for joy to have the freedom now...just saying.

so you can osmose on that, if that helps...
Osmosing, osmosing.
See you on the .alt


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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LolaL,
Originally Posted By: LolaL
So I suspect if you are moving cross country, you will be passing through for our lunch date eh?
Passing through? Lake Erie area? I think not.

But Gardener'll sure as hell go way out of his way on a side trip ("Road Trip!!") to to meetcha and take you up on lunch.

The zig zag I referenced is because I'd love to meet you, hoosiermama (IN), givingitmyall (GA), Sweet Serenity13 (FL) and others. Many others.

What fun!


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
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Sounds like a plan to me!!!!! Just let me know when...


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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oh, I'm in too!


M60
H52
D20
M14 yrs
OW-old gf from 1986
bomb-5/18/08
H filed for D-9/10/08
D final 4/24/09
xH remarried (not OW) 2012
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Come on south. Its just getting hot and humid down here.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
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Journaling (hold on tight: it's gonna be a long ride),

One year ago today, I stumbled across this site while desparately searching the web for anything truly pro-marriage, pro-repair, pro-reconciliation and anti-divorce.

Thank God I stumbled into here.

It was seven months post-Bomb. Six Months post Walkaway, 25 days post D-Bomb.
I was exhausted, disheartened, absolutely crestfallen, miserable and hopeless,

I read posts for six days before "Jumping In: First Post" on 6/06/09 and the minutes felt like hours as I waited for a reply after all that typing - soul-spilling - and...nothing. While I stayed on Newcomers (which I don't much, anymore) I always tried to respond to a First Poster as soon as I saw him or her, always remembering what that was like.

Then Coach, and StillLovesHim (anyone heard from her lately? She dropped off) and others arrived. And offered solace, wisdom, kinship and hope. This was my first-ever "chat room" and I was surprised and deeply touched.

DR, telecoaching, LRT, and you guys all gave me hope. When. I. Had. None.

With your help and guidance and just plain listening to my ranting journaling, I gave it my best effort, as God is my judge. X used to always say, "When you really put your mind to something, you always do it."

Not this time.

As I've said many times in the beginning, "I would've moved Heaven and Earth..." And, ultimately, as my IC said, "You did move Heaven and Earth. It just didn't work. It was never going to."

Did I contribute to it? You betcha. Expected her to mind read, know my needs. Got a little passive aggressive over time, avoided conflict at all costs and put her on a pedestal in my heart that I truly thought she deserved.

Opened every car door, held hands, bought flowers, made romantic dinners and nights, always introduced her as "my bride" and helped raise -and loved deeply - deeply as my own - her two children.

After the pain of X's & my first divorce, over time, all our children said at one time or another, in one fashion or another, "you restored our faith in it. You two give us something to emulate." And they all loved each other. What a wonderfully, slowly, painfully, blended family we ultimately created.

But that perfect year, that perfect summer, that perfect week before I went on retreat was followed by returning from retreat to a dead-eyed, disdainful-faced, cold alien replica. Just. Like. That.

And the loving, blended family? Now completely shattered, ruptured.

For months after, I kept a note on my bedroom mirror that said, "Your best friend is extremely confused and in a tremendous amount of pain. Remember that."

And for six months before DB I pleaded, acquiesced, walked on eggshells - anything to keep her from fading further away.

I DB'ed well but to no avail.

Author Terry Real says that "intimacy is the constant cycle from harmony to disharmony - even rupture - and repair."
But, again: not this time.

I lost her. I lost my Janet. She lost her.

To date the count is well over ten: one former counselor she saw, a former counselor we both saw, that sh!tty MC we went to, my DB telecoach, our two family physicians (one naturopathic, one "regular"), my first IC, my current IC (who knows of her family and background, coincidentally - long story), Two Family Of Origin specialists/authors I contacted, her closest sister, and several others all - all -agree on one thing. That the sudden death of her horribly abusive father (who, along with her mother, she cut off all contact with some thirty years ago) five months pre-bomb F'd her up. Opened old wounds. Transferred them to the most important man in her life now (then): me.

That's an awful lot of people (many with intimate knowledge of her past and FOO) who have come to the exact same conclusion. Both my first and my current IC even added that the death of an unconfronted, unaccused, unreconciled abusive parent can do all these things but also set off a tremendous wave of relief and of absolute freedom, perhaps for the first time ever. And off they go.

And while the hurt is that she "gave up on me," the amazing, totally unexpected, never-to-be-believed outcome is that after about twelve of these eigteen months I actually, finally gave up on her. Which I vowed never to do.

I am detached. I am done. When I do see her, when she is here at the house, I don't ignore her. I go about my business with a "so she's here. Yeah, so?"

So here I am. After experiencing more loss in eighteen months than I have in my lifetime. Alive, well, back in some ways, still coming back in others, and clawing and struggling my way back in still other areas.
And learning and growing. And healing.

And realizing I still have much to offer.

And why?

Because, as I've said countless times before, of hundreds of kindred spirits who believe in the sanctity of marriage, the inviolate nature of their vows, who daily, -minute-by-minute- struggle against all odds, in the face of countless hurts, betrayals, affronts, and cruelty to repair and salvage and renew all that they've held so dear for so long. And all the while reaching out to help and comfort absolute strangers.

I've told this to Serenity. Now I say it to all of you: You, on this site and in your daily lives and struggles, are truly doing the Lord's work.

Thank you all from the bottom of my healing heart.

And while this is long and sentimental even by Gardener standards, I promise I won't do this again five days from now on the one-year anniversary of my first post! grin

God Bless you all.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Thank you for sharing

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