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Quote:
Of course, we do have the world's largest aquarium here and it's much cooler in there than at the zoo. We'll see.......


The Atlanta Aquarium is nice. Went there once with my STBXW (arggh!) back when we were dating.

The Aquarium in Chatanooga, TN is nice too (same problem in terms of memories though) --smile.


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Piecing - 10/21/2010
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Horrorscopes are great! They either make you roll your eyes or get you thinking...funny thing is, you're right, Donna....very general and apply to almost anyone who would read them.

As for me....my horrorscope has been a little off almost all the time.....you?


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By the way...I have Trip and F21 drinking Sangaria right now at 1130 at night...just kicking back listening to 80's music and BSing.....and we just happened to mention friends of the boards....you came to mind!!! wink

Last edited by FA; 05/31/10 06:39 AM.

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FA!!!!!!!

siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I want Sangaria!!!

How is life?

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It is so good to hear from you guys!! What a long, strange trip it's been, huh?

Long weekend on my own - spent the day yesterday with friends at the Bronx Zoo - great pics of all the animals. Many babies, families, all really active (hey, animals and people, both!)

Today was a little...weird. What would have been my anniversary. Met this date in 1986, married this date in 1992. It really was a sacred day to me for a very long time.
My father died of a sudden heart attack on May 30th, 1994.
So many memories and stories, happy and sad....moments I treasured with these people who are now gone.
My college friend was going out to Calverton to visit, anyway, so she laid flowers for my parents for me.
The 2-year mark for the divorce is coming up in mid-June.

I had to go to his house to pick up the kids, saw his silhouette through the curtains.
Kids seemed to have a nice home-body weekend, swimming in the pool, a bonfire. Their uncle (x's brother) and his wife and baby came to visit them on Saturday. The baby who I never met. (They took down a tree, but demolished a chunk of x's truck in the process - I have come to see how the man who I thought could do anything, often makes a mess of things).

The thing that got to me, though, was that they didn't stop by to see his parents, right here in town.
I don't understand it at all.....and I feel so badly for my ex-in-laws. I finally wrote this to MIL (so as not to make her uncomfortable talking face-to-face - apparently that is something very difficult for them all to do in their family).

Quote:
Dear Mom,

I was thinking about the sibs thing...

In that long talk that I had with Chuck a few weeks ago, he said they resent when they feel "forced" to visit me when they come to see you.
Geoff and Denise had been up here to help Chuck with a tree or something - they had brought the baby.

Please, let me be dead to them. It seems to be what they want, where they are comfortable. I am carrying guilt over getting between you and your children, your other grandchildren. I don't understand it, but I don't want to be the cause of this.
Tell them that they should feel safe coming to see you, that they are not expected to see me; not by you or me - and I say this with no animosity or anger. A good piece of wisdom that I have picked up is that what other people think of you is none of your business. It's ok, really. I've gotten this "letting go" thing down pat at this point wink

I hope you talk with them - break the silence. The divorce will be two years ago this month.
I just want for you and Dad to be happy...I don't want to get in the way of that. You do what you need to do.

I have assured them that the kids and I are ok....that they shouldn't feel obligated to me, to us, if they wanted to go. I won't keep saying that, because I don't want them to feel unwelcome here, either.
They both want to stay here, that this is their home.
But what a terrible price. It just makes me sad for them. Something else that I can't fix, another casualty of divorce and my x's choices.
I've put it out there, so now I have to let it go.

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Hey Donna...

Hasn't the weather been gorgeous?

Just a thought...

You have a choice in how you interact with your former spouse and his family. Your in-laws have a choice in where they live, who they see and their reasons.

Although your note voices a beautiful sentiment and letting go.. sharing your thoughts... wouldn't saying, "Whatever works for you, works for me." make it easier all around. Choices they make with their children, choices in where they choose to live.

And if the siblings of your former spouse feel forced to interact with you, then they have a choice, too.

I've found "Whatever works for you, works for me." comes in very handy with my extended family by marriage.. now by mutual choice. It puts the ball in their court, gives you safe boundaries and drops the rope.

It's all choices. Choices without guilt or hurt.

*hugs*

PS.. you sound GREAT!

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Thanks, Gyps...

I hope that my long-winded version says pretty much the same thing - What works for you works for me.

The thing is, now that I've put it out there, I will make a point to not talk about x or the sibs with the in-laws at all. (I had made the mistake of asking MIL if she knew her son had come to town over the weekend - she didn't). If they bring it up, I will politely change the subject; just want to remove myself from the equation entirely, so that they can all choose to do what they'll do. I think that they have all begun to agree with x that I "turned his parents against him," and they are all pretty pissed about it. At this point, I don't really much care if they have made that judgement about me - it's a shame, but I can live without them.
It is just sad to see for my in-laws. I don't understand how my xBIL can make that decision to literally drive past his parents' house with their grandson, who they don't get to see very often at all because they live over 2 hours away.
It is so obvious now how dysfunctional their family dynamic is. All of this is done, judgements made, without anyone talking to relevant people about what is truly going on or bothering them. It is not surprising, then, that x went through his unhappiness without ever saying anything to me until he had already decided it was over.
No, instead, they talk to each other, about each other, behind backs and in whispers. And Grandma just wants everyone to get together and pretend that nothing has gone on so we can all "have a nice visit."

I have to say, I don't all that mind removing myself from that drama.

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Hey Donna..

How about writing what YOUR boundaries are... what works for you for yourself?

Us codependents are so good at taking care of others.

*hugs*

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Things are humming along; 9 more teaching days to go until the SUMMER!! I don't know how others work year-round at one job - I need the changing of the seasons in routine, like the weather.

I was invited by my friend/co-worker to go on vacation with her and her husband and daughter, along with my kids. We are headed on a road-trip down to GA, then FL on the 29th for 2 weeks! It will be my longest away-vaca ever (x was never able to be gone from work for that long). The kids are super-excited to go, and so am I smile
I worried a little about talking to x about it- he really does hate to be away from the kids. I was surprised that he took the news pretty well, and I told him that we can schedule some extra time for them when we get back (I am much less protective of "my time" in the summer, since the kids and I spend most of the days together). We'll be back in time for my son's birthday.

Speaking of my son...
we took him to be evaluated by the psych today for possible ADHD. A very bright kid who should be getting As and Bs, but is getting Cs and Ds.
After the interview and running through an 18-point questionnaire, which he did with all three of us together, he came to the conclusion that S14 is NOT ADHD, but an underachiever. Gave him a pretty long talk about applying himself and all the good that can come of it, etc. $350 please.

On one hand, I am glad. But....
if he had fit the spectrum more consistently (as in, answering more questions with "often" than with "sometimes"), he could have gotten a 504 or IEP for school...along with some special help with strategies / study skills / organization. He really doesn't know how to study. I hope that he can get it together on his own - maybe I have been too involved, letting him use my monitoring as an excuse to not take the initiative. Hard to know when to step in and when to be hands-off and let them fall, learn on their own.

But it is also a little awkward for me, too (and I KNOW this is all my own chit and none of my son's!)
I looked back at my own life, and had related to my son's struggles in school, being bright and compensating until too many balls where thrown in the air in high school, where things snowballed (I hit the wall in 10th grade and had to drop from 4 honors classes to one in 11th). Big difference was that my parents were not involved at all in my schoolwork.
Maybe my tendencies were ADHD, and perhaps passed down to him. I spoke to my IC about it, and she agreed with me that this sounded like it was the case, that it was good to have him evaluated, that I should ask my own psych to do an eval on me and see about some strategies, maybe meds.
But my x was pretty adamant that S was just not applying himself, being lazy, slacking, etc. - that he wasn't ADHD. He would go along to have the eval done, but was sure that this wasn't what was going on. And he told me on more than one occasion that I hadn't been checking his work enough, holding him more accountable. The last talk x and I had, one that broke a nearly year-long silence, was about my fears of how he had looked at me, and how I didn't want my son to face the same rejection.

And now, he was right about the diagnosis.

I had talked myself into thinking that my role in the demise of the marriage was because of my own ADHD tendencies, that it was something...I don't know...not my fault...?
But now I am left to wonder:

was I an underachieving wife? lazy, slacker, "didn't take care of him,"......all the old complaints that he dumped on me in the sudden flood after the bomb, things that I wasn't aware bothered him to such a deep extent and was never given the chance to address..., except that I should have been aware of it, should have known, should have worked harder at taking care of our marriage, of him, being an adult, in a relationship...all coming to the surface....blech.
Was my x right about me, about our marriage, all along?
I sometimes think that this is a life-lesson that I had to learn the hard way. That this is the way it had to happen, like he told his friends and family. And that he does have a better partner in the woman he left me for, the one he is still with.

Is my son an underachiever due to my example?


I guess it doesn't matter in the end, since I am working every day to grow and become the better person I want to be.
I want to do right by my kids.
And I want to be a good person.
Maybe the person I was deserved what happened, after all.


Quote:

Brenda and Eddie were still going steady in the summer of '75
When they decided the marriage would be at the end of July
Everyone said they were crazy
"Brenda you know that you're much too lazy
and Eddie could never afford to live that kind of life."
Oh, but there we were wavin' Brenda and Eddie goodbye.
Oh, oh, oh
Well they got an apartment with deep pile carpets
And a couple of paintings from Sears
A big waterbed that they bought with the bread
They had saved for a couple of years
but they started to fight when the money got tight (although we made the mistake to NEVER fight)
And they just didn't count on the tears.
Oh, oh yeah rock 'n roll
Oh, oh, oh
Well, they lived for a while in a very nice style
But it's always the same in the end
They got a divorce as a matter of course
And they parted the closest of friends


So much for the "friends" part.

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Donna...

maybe you didn't meet the needs that he needed deep down
BUT
he didn't tell you he needed them

it's hard to pin the underachiever card on yourself when you don't even know what you were trying to achieve

that's like taking the calcus final in college when you are 12 and calling yourself a failure for having not scored a perfect

cut yourself a break

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