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I just don't know how I am doing.. Forgive me for venting a bit..

I have never wanted to quit work as much as I do right now, and it has nothing to do with the work.

The commute, 45-60 hour work weeks, no free time, dealing with the pressure and all the crud of a workplace. For What?

When the gov and the ex are done with me, I will be lucky to take home 25-30% of my pay when I do the numbers that the court has proposed.

The reality of that is I will need to move, quite possibly have to move back in with my parents to survive the next few years..

I am not sleeping well right now, with all this, and not sure what my next steps are..

I just don't understand it, if it stays the way the judge was saying it would, my ex walks away with half of all my cash assets, all of her inheritance, the house and me paying her more every year in support/alimony than most people make at a job in her area, while I get left with the liabilities and debt..

My L seems to think I am not getting a bad deal, and I am trying to come to understand how he believes that.

Also, court is September 24th, and I want to hear my stbxw proclaim on the stand that a used luxury suv and fake boobs were the best financial decisions she could make at the time of our separation.

I am just feeling distraught at this time, and not sure where to go....


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw,

I don't blame you for feeling distraught.

When things look bleak and you're not getting enough sleep - that's a bad combination. Check out melatonin, any number of herbal or otc sleep aids.

Some physical activity, if you're not already into a sport or exercising would certainly help given the work week you describe. Even just a brisk evening walk relaxes, tires and helps clear the mind.

I forget if you're in IC. If not, please do.

September 24 is almost four months. Have you considered getting a second L's opinion of the agreement that's in place, or does the judge or the law pretty much call the shots in Mass.?

iwitw, I know it's hard, but give yourself a break and a breather whenever you can. Like today. Today you're not commuting, working, not at the crud of the workplace, not living with your parents, it's not September 24, and you got a little free time.

Take a day off, mentally. "Go Dark" on your worries. What would you tell your best buddy or one of us on these boards to do? You need to treat yourself at least as good.

Today is for you.

Everything else? Just. Not. Today.

iwitw, that's all I got but I'm with you and know the feelings.

Give yourself a good day. You're a good man. You deseeve it.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Hi IWITW-

I can't really add to what Gardener said- he gives such great advice. I just want to echo his thought of getting a second opinion on the settlement, and please take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you.


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S/19,D/17
On My Own: 11/28/09
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Thanks both of you, I took the last couple days to 'break' but at times it just seems like I am suspending my life, and have to come back to it eventually.

Have not felt much like posting lately, been having challenges of self doubt, etc. Dropped d9 off at her school and stbxw was in the next room laughing with her work buddy about something.

I know I can't focus on stbxw, but things like that make you cringe, and think about how she has already got new man in her life, tons of free time, plans to go back to college, house that I pay for and will be for years to come. She could quite literally not do a thing for work, and have more money coming in weekly from me than most people in the area make at a full time job.

Meanwhile, how do I take myself from thinking about that to living well myself, when the focus of my life is d9 and taking care of stbxw now?

Finding ones self in this mess seems to be difficult, that's to say the least. I had been doing better, but still not where I would like to be, time to push on somehow..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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To requote my own sig..

Quote:
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Gardener/Bunny,

Thank you for your postings to me. They mean more than you can know..

I took G-mans advice, it is what I needed. I took a few days off, and for myself, and away from this site again.

There are times this site is just too much to follow, when are own chips are down.

I literally took myself down for a few days, and just survived day to day and moment to moment, work, a bit of play, sleep, and parked the L doc's for a few days.

I had realized I was also pressuring myself to find another woman in my life. The other night, I sat with myself, and reconciled that I just may be single for the rest of my life, and somehow found peace with that, and was OK.

I let it go, I recall that it felt good to let it go, I still don't quite know the exact 'how' of how that happened, but I remember the weight lifting, it's hard to describe, has anyone else felt like that?

At any rate, I bring this up, because into my life in the past few days comes a sexy, vivacious, interesting woman. I was interested in her, and just went way beyond myself and put myself out there in a way I have never done before, because I had always been afraid of rejection.

I had let go of any outcome, and low and behold, she has responded in such a way, that I am stunned.

Is that not a microcosm of life at times, when we well and truly let go of something, that something appears at exactly that moment?

I have no expectations, or any outcome, and just living moment to moment, as myself, and if she continues in my life that is good, and if not, that is good as well..

I have a lot of work in front of me, a lot of work on my D, well and truly moving past that to myself, and keeping my d9 at the forefront of my life is most important as well..

Take care all, I may not post as much as I used to, to get away from the pain of the past year, but just like above, I have let go of that too, so I may post more, who knows!


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,831
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iwitw,
Glad you took some down time for yourself.
Pressuring yourself to find another woman - before your D's even final - smacks of neediness. They don't say "be careful you don't rebound," for nothing.
When you don't need an R is when you're ready for one again, imo.
Live your life and see who shows up.
Lo and behold, you took some down time, for your life and someone showed up.
Enjoy, but tread carefully.
Overall, like many of us, you sound like you are far from healed.

Peace,


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Thanks for checking in G-man, hope all is well with you!

Quote:
Pressuring yourself to find another woman - before your D's even final - smacks of neediness. They don't say "be careful you don't rebound," for nothing.


True words, and when I really sat and analyzed what I was thinking, It was also tied to the fact my Ex has a new guy, and is incorporating him into her (And by extension d9's) life, and I was somehow tying that to my self worth. Feeling like she has moved on, and I can't, or what is wrong with me that she is already in new R, and I am not, etc, etc. Totally self defeating, and that was the pressure I was speaking about. Nice to take that off your shoulders when you identify it..

Quote:
Live your life and see who shows up.
Lo and behold, you took some down time, for your life and someone showed up.
Enjoy, but tread carefully.
Overall, like many of us, you sound like you are far from healed.


Yes, and all tied up together. And I still have no expectations of this new found interest, we have barely even gone out, but I am looking at how I used to be, when it comes to women in general, fearful, afraid to put myself out there for fear of rejection, etc, and THAT is part of my growth.

As well as being honest with myself and anyone that comes into my life from the get go from now on, if they don't like something about me that is there choice, and not a reflection of me or who I am.

I have a long ways to go, I feel, but I am starting in the right direction, I believe.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,831
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iwitw,
Sounds good. You sound good.
Heck, no one likes rejection. Women or men. When you meet someone, you're probably not the only one fearing rejection of some sort..


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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IWITW,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I've taken some time off DB to decompress myself for the summer and get some things done on the house. Glad to see our friend Gardner dispensing some good advice to you. The way you are being unjustly treated never ceases to p*ss me off. It's truly unbelievable how men are treated by the D courts on the East Coast.

Continue to hang in there my friend.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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