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#1928338 02/02/10 12:37 AM
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Hello all,
I am going to try and start my story as it brings me some comfort in getting this out and I hope that maybe just maybe that I will find some gem to find the strength to keep going on.
I'm not even sure if this is the right community for this post or exactly what I hope to gain by posting this. But I do not know what else to do right at the moment. I hope I don't offend anyone.

H-40
W-40
D-21
S-18
D-17
M- 18 years

-Started dating 1991 Her not to far out from first marriage/child and me just getting over a relationship that ended from GF being a rape victim and shutting me out. I had mild drinking and drug habit at this time.
-1992 Pregnant and then married (Thats what good boys are supposed to do?) She did not ask for the marriage, I did as I found comfort in her from my sordid past and I honestly believed she was the one.
-1994 Another child. In my selfishness I asked her to get an abortion. She wouldn't go threw with it. (Thank God!)
-1994~1996 New job in new town. This is the time we started to drift apart. Not that we where the typical married couple before then but this is when it all started to materialize I think. My drinking got worse and drug use increased.
-1996 Yet another new job in a new state. We both felt that we had to get out of the town and blamed the surroundings for our problems. So we ran from our problems. Helped for a little while, but then the distance started to make its way back in.
1996-2 weeks ago
-Slowly drifting apart
-Sex slowed down to .....nothing
-No drugs and only occasional beer or two
-Short tempered and anxiety for me.
-Major bouts of depression for me. Her always the solid one.At least I thought.
-Her withdrawn into a shell.

I asked her if she was happy, of course the answer was no, then I asked her if she still loved me. She wouldn't answer at first. So being at my wits end I brought up divorce and she said yes.... god I'm so stupid. At the end of our long conversation that evening. She did say she still loved me. Why oh why did I not just say, "Is there anything I can do to change this?" One simple sentence and I may not be here trying to type this out

Present
Over the past few weeks we have had more conversations then we have had in years. Unfortunately the majority of it has been planning for the D.
She does not want to try to work at it and is solid in her feelings that she wants to leave (WaW to a tee, at least from what I have read here)
Me? Well here is where it starts to hurt, I have been chasing things I thought would make me happy for the past 18 years without realizing the one thing that really makes me happy is her. But now I have lost that also.
I look back and realize that I have not been the man that this woman deserves. Nor she the easiest to live with.(By her own admittance)
So now I start the road to change I guess, but how does one show one that you have changed if they are not there?

Thank You all for listening.

P.S. I just read all that I have typed and realize she should have dumped me years ago...



Last edited by Wired; 02/02/10 12:40 AM.

M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #1928366 02/02/10 12:55 AM
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No matter if she comes back or not you must change for YOU..so either way it can't hurt you. Keep reading here and learn. Do you suspect another man?

It saddens me to see so many 40 year olds going through this. We are here for you wired - be strong and listen to the very valuable advice given here.


M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10
luvless #1928374 02/02/10 01:07 AM
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Thank you luvless.
No there is no other man. This is one thing she has always said since the beginning that we are we and no room for 3.


M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #1928397 02/02/10 01:39 AM
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Hi Wired. I'm so glad you decided to try this community b/c I think you will find it to be the best. Don't worry about offending anyone b/c as long as you stick by the board's policies, I don't think it would be a problem.

Your story is so sad, but unfortunately it is common. But you know what? You have woke up and now you see what is the most valuable thing in your life.

BTW, if you broke the cycle of using drugs and have stopped drinking (except for a couple of beers) then that tells me you must be a very strong willed person. I think it takes a lot of guts to do that. You can do this DBing too! Have you read the DR book? That would be a good place to start.

You may feel a lot of panic right now b/c she is talking about D. You don't want to lose her, and that's normal to be scared. The point is not to let your fear show to her. It's not attractive. Neither is any begging, pleading, that sort of thing.

Are the two of you still living under the same roof?

I believe if you will make up your mind that you are going to continue to improve yourself and be the best "you" that you can be, she'll be attracted to that. It won't happen over night, and that's what will be hard on you. If you will not try to hold onto her and let her do what she wants to do, and you just focus on becoming a great dad (women love that) and being a great man......she'll notice.

Take pride in yourself and how you look and act around her. Act as if you've had an awakening and that you are going to enjoy live and be your best every day. I know that may sound kind of cheesy, but it works. This isn't just about busting a D, but we support people in trying encourage them to make their lives happier and coming through this mess a stronger person.

So, I hope you'll try to post every day b/c it really does help to talk about it. Read the other threads b/c you'll be better informed.

Take care of yourself....that's important.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #1928404 02/02/10 01:44 AM
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What were her specific complaints about you? Have you done anything to change those behaviors? What about herself? There must have been some faults that you found in her as well.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Wired #1928441 02/02/10 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted By: Wired
Thank you luvless.
No there is no other man. This is one thing she has always said since the beginning that we are we and no room for 3.


How do you know? Have you checked?

Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD.

You would be wise to check this out independently. If nothing else, you'll have some peace-of-mind, but there almost always IS someone else, especially for women. Saying she doesn't want to work at it is a HUGE red flag.

Puppy

MrBond #1928492 02/02/10 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted By: stuck808
What were her specific complaints about you? Have you done anything to change those behaviors? What about herself? There must have been some faults that you found in her as well.

-Temper has been the worst one that puts her on egg shells.
-Spending too much money
-Smoking
-Depression
-Letting things slip that I should be doing. (Household type things. Example:Furnace filters, car upkeeps and such)

As far as her, I am sure there are many things but my heart/ mind cannot focus in on them right at this moment. I'm still in the "Its all my fault stage" (?)
-I am seeking professional help Monday at 3:15(soonest I can get an appointment)for the smoking and depression
- I cleaned the top of the fridge today smile


"How do you know? Have you checked?

Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."

No I have not checked, I would not know even where to begin but I trust deep down inside she is telling the truth.


M:40
W:40
D: 21
S: 18
D: 17
Md: 18 years
-1/19/2010 W wants out
-6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Wired #1928505 02/02/10 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: Wired
ou checked?

Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."

No I have not checked, I would not know even where to begin but I trust deep down inside she is telling the truth.


I'm sorry, but that's incredibly naive. The stakes are simply way too high to be so accepting.

Puppy

Wired #1928507 02/02/10 03:22 AM
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The men here can tell you ways to check and see if your W is contacting another man. But if you find that she is.....don't accept the number one line that WAW's give..."He's just a friend" b/c that is BS. A woman should not have any friendship with a man that is secret from her H and does not include her H.

If she knows you are very trusting of her, she'll let her guard down. If you know your way around a computer, you can find emails that she shouldn't have. Check her cell phone when she's in the bathroom or check the phone bills.

My H would have bet his life that I would never cheat on him........and he would have lost. I had an EA after many years of M, so it can happen....even to the best of us.

Not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, but trying to prepare you. Just expect most anything. There are a few WAW's who are not in an A, but not many.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Wired,

Glad you found the forum; sorry you need it.

I wish I had spent a lot more time reading other threads when I first got here. Try to understand the advice you are given here in the bigger context. The veterans see the same things over and over: listen to them.

Puppy and Sandi give great advice, heed what they say.

Hang in there.


M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09
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