Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 13 of 27 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 26 27
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
This is just me talking... but why does he get to call all the shots? Can you tell him when you want him out? Would it be more convenient for you if he were to vacate in 30 days? That seems like plenty of time for him to make other arrangements.

I honestly think you would feel better taking some control of the situation.


Me 54
DS19 and DS17
Married 06/1989
Divorced 01/2011
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
Well, he's saying by August because a couple weeks back I told him that if things weren't better by August that I wanted him out so I could move on with my life. (more detail, but you get the gist).

Since this all hapenned, I guess he's going by that.

There isn't any reason for over 2 months though.


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
I think 30 days is being VERY generous... didn't you have paperwork to that effect drawn up one time? Can you still use them and just change the dates.

You have been allowing this guy to suck the life out of you for 5 years. Please put a stop to it! Nothing is going to get better... he does not have to put any effort into making things better because you have shown him you are willing to accept his horrible behavior. ...and again I know cuz I have lived it!


Me 54
DS19 and DS17
Married 06/1989
Divorced 01/2011
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,014
If this was a guy your daughter was dating what would be your advice to her?


Me 54
DS19 and DS17
Married 06/1989
Divorced 01/2011
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
Yeah, I did have an eviction notice. I think I have a blank copy saved somewhere.

My heart and my head are working against each other. I know I can't do this anymore. I know I deserve so much more, so much better. I know he won't change. I know if he truly loved me that he would make the effort and show it. Somehow, someway.

But I can't help but wish. Wish he would change. Wish this, something, anything, would make a difference. Wish that the last 4 1/2 years weren't a waste. Wish I didn't waste all that love, time, energy, emotion, money....


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,882
Likes: 299
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,882
Likes: 299
You've been wishing he would change for four and a half years!

So - you have to ask yourself the hard questions here. What is it ABOUT YOU that you have clung to this unsuitable guy who's really not that into you for 4 1/2 years?

This is the crux of the matter. Is it fear that you can't do any better and that at least he won't leave you (because he needs a mealticket)? Is it that being in a relationship with him, it's easy to focus on his flaws and therefore not have to address the work you need to do in your own life? Is there something familiar about this relationship that echoes a relationship with one of your parents?

I don't know the answers, I just know that when we do stuff like this, we have to look inside. Don't feel bad, I have to do it too - I've recently discovered I have an uncanny tendency to fall for depressed guys, and have to figure out why so I can stop doing it!

Ellie

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 4,054
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 4,054
TMW
NNP and Ellie are giving you fantastic advice , making perfect sense, you are so young, you have sooo much life ahead of you!
You will meet a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated! Hes out there! smile
not to mention all you have to offer in your young life

go , go out and enjoy it, live it, your only young once! ( darn it! lol)


Be Happy for this Moment,
This Moment is your Life


Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
the easy answer i can find in my head and my heart right now is love.

i don't have fear of being alone or not finding someone or anything like that.
i am strong and (usually wink ) smart, i'm told i'm beautiful. i have a good job. i have a house, a car, my dog. i'm financially ok.

i'm sure that people who have been in therapy or therapists themselves will say i have deep resounding issues because of my parents, because of my family's history of divorce, because of my own divorce (ok, that last one I give in and admit. but really, i've talked about it and there is no easy way to fix those wounds that open so easily. the words left such deep and lifethreatening tears)


my easy answer/defense is that i am a hopeless romantic. i've watched too much tv & movies. i can't kill the hope, no matter how much level headed reason i've got to combat it.


i agree with everyone about everything. if this was my friend or my daughter (hypothetical) i would want them to get out, run as fast as they could in the opposite direction.
but honestly, the advice that would come out of my mouth would be to follow their heart. make their decision for themselves.

my heart is in the process of breaking, but not giving in.
hell - nothing to give in to. it's not like he's fighting or begging to stay. and that speaks louder than an opera singer with a megaphone.


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,882
Likes: 299
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,882
Likes: 299
"my easy answer/defense is that i am a hopeless romantic"

Really? Why wouldn't a hopeless romantic hold out for a guy who behaves in a romantic way towards her???

I'm not buying it. You'll have to dig a little deeper my dear.

The wounds from your marriage are not even close to healed. Maybe this relationship was a substitute for the previous one, in that if you could get THIS guy to love you, it would be sorta like the equivalent of winning back your ex?

Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,322
i definately know that bf was not a substitute for xh. not even in the same league. almost different plants. lol

hopeless romantic in the sense that the stupid part of me wants to hold out for that life changing, A-HA, moment when he blasts the opera, runs up the fire-escape and loves me (in case anyone doesn't follow my crazy thoughts ... Richard Gere, end of Pretty woman) or buys a $1000 plane ticket to get on the last seat of the plane i'm on to stop me from leaving without him. (Ross sort of tried that with Rachel on Friends)
You get the picture. Like I said - too much tv & movies.
plus lack of sleep

thanks everyone. you don't know how much you help and support me and often help me through the day. even if i don't visit all of your posts - i think about you all and i wish you all the best in your lives, no matter what is going on. i wish you all happiness.


"So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now."
-carrie underwood starts with goodbye
(yeah, i know, i shouldn't listen to music)


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Page 13 of 27 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 26 27

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard