Need Help with Husband's MLC

[Marked&Healed]

Whew!!!
I am going to say some things and I hope you take them with the love they were meant with. I’m saying them to help you and you need some real help right now. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there, so do not feel like you’re different… dealing with marital problems is hard enough without dealing with ADHD, etc.

You are pursuing, you are allowing him to bait you, and you’re saying some pretty hurtful things in return. Would you treat your children that way? No way, right? Treat your H like he is a child, because right now, he is.

First things first, many people I believe forget this because this is the MLC forum and the book doesn’t say much specifically about MLC, BUT please get Divorce Remedy and read it – TWICE. It’s a HUGE key to your success. The techniques in there and much of what you will have to do you will just “get it” after reading and absorbing that book.

Forget about the OW for now, if she is or is not pursuing your H, if you focus on her instead of yourself, you’ll just make her look better and push him towards her. I know it’s hard, but it’s true.

My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.

THIS is a huge item for you. What would you be doing to improve your self esteem? What is it that makes you YOU? Can you draw, read, fix things, cook, weld, be a great mom, whatever it is, make a list and post it here… We want to see your “I’m going to do these things to make myself happy” list. Goals are important, very important.

DO NOT tell your H that you are changing or going to change, just do it. He won’t trust you and will just think you’re trying to manipulate him if you tell him. You know the saying “actions speak louder than words?” Well, that totally applies here.

This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?"

This sounds like he feels a need to have communication with you, to feel heard. He’s not feeling heard, and I can see why, you need to work on your validation. My H also said that OW listens to him, which was a shock to me since he is not a talkative person, but I thought back and when we were first together, we talked about everything. Things changed when my step kids moved into our house.. so your H is the same, he needs talk. Start by listening to him when he does talk to you, even if what he is saying is hurtful.

He won't have sex with me and hasn't for the past 2 years and although I am 103 lbs. and not bad looking and do take care of my appearance he thinks I have "let myself go".

He may be using this to make you feel bad about yourself, or he may not feel close enough to you to share. I know they say men need sex to feel close to their women, but my H is sometimes the opposite, he needs to feel close and then has sex.

He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.

This is good, both that he started opening up to you and that he told you he doesn’t feel you comfort him. Now you know what he needs and can address him… learn to validate, and make him feel comforted.

He tells me that I never listen to him and that he has told me time and again what he needs and I do everything but that.

Again, he’s telling you what he needs, start meeting those needs. I don’t understand because I don’t have it, how does ADHD stop you from listening to him or validating him?

He told me that he doesn't believe that I really love him even though I tell him he is wrong. He said he has no respect for me and that I am a liar and don't even know my own feelings.

He is not going to believe your words, so don’t use them, use actions, SHOW him how you can change. Just do it. Validate him to his face and then change yourself behind his back. “I understand that you don’t feel I can love you and I’m sorry you feel that way, for the record, I do love you.”

He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial.

Again, more issues he sees you as having. If you feel these are real issues, deal with them, change yourself so that you are a happy person and not living in denial or fear.

He said that he does see some changes but it is too late and they just make him angry because I should have done them 10 years ago and he has no patience for me.

This is script, ignore it or validate him. Such as “I understand you don’t believe I can make these changes, I am doing this for me. You will see when I don’t change back, I’m trying to make myself a better person so I can be happy in my own life.”

[JeanBean]

Thanks, yeah...I agree! I remember when I had one of those (a life) and what it felt like to love myself so I know it's possible - just gotta "get it again".

My oldest daughter (almost 15 yrs old) told me it is like I lost my "spirit" and she misses it. I lost it right around when my son was born and got post-partum depression. What a really ugly illness, it sucks the life outta you.

Gotta alot of work to do on me. I told my husband this am when he had a panic attack that I get panic too but I just don't talk about it and deal with it myself. I use my tools to help myself with it - I get the tight chest and can't breath too. He got quiet and a little surprised I think.

[JeanBean]

Wow, thanks so much for all of that - and yes it is all taken with love! I think when you are a really busy person running around in circles alot and being responsible you forget how to have fun and than beside kids - you have your husband who treats you like the enemy and you don't feel much like being cheerful and more like crying. It is really hard.

I guess too since he stopped helping with everything - I do the driving for everyone, everything & anything to do with the kids, all of the grocery shopping & cooking, housework, laundry, balance the checkbook, anything related to bills, and work full-time for the government, and I really think my 3 year old has ADHD too because he is pretty busy and "difficult" so most of the time I am really exhausted.

I am stressed alot and have to make myself calm down. Basically when my ADHD is in swing I can't retain information and I am listening but can't "absorb" it, my brain is all over the place and I have to rein it in and really focus and even if i do get it to focus - I don't remember alot of what is said in the conversation - I don't know the details and my husband is a very detail oriented person and remembers everything so I seem like an air head.

Needless to say I really stink with arguements because I can't remember what was said and it seems like I don't care when I really do. :o(

[JeanBean]

Thank you, that is very helpful because I do tend to take it personally. :o)

[JeanBean]

What a relief to see there are others like me and I am not just crazy! It is good to have support and not feel like an alien. :o))

[JeanBean]

[

My self-esteem is horrible and he has told me he is not attracted to me, he doesn't trust me, he doesn't believe I will ever change, I don't challenge him, my communication is terrible, I'm not assertive, and he stayed with me all these years because of the kids and his own insecurities.

THIS is a huge item for you. What would you be doing to improve your self esteem? What is it that makes you YOU? Can you draw, read, fix things, cook, weld, be a great mom, whatever it is, make a list and post it here… We want to see your “I’m going to do these things to make myself happy” list. Goals are important, very important.

This morning he said "is that all we ever have to talk about is work?"

This sounds like he feels a need to have communication with you, to feel heard. He’s not feeling heard, and I can see why, you need to work on your validation. My H also said that OW listens to him, which was a shock to me since he is not a talkative person, but I thought back and when we were first together, we talked about everything. Things changed when my step kids moved into our house.. so your H is the same, he needs talk. Start by listening to him when he does talk to you, even if what he is saying is hurtful.

He started to open up more about his childhood about a week ago (he has before in the past) and than told me he did not want to talk to me about it because I have never made him feel comforted about it. I am a calm, peace-maker type person who is prone to depression and self-blame alot.

This is good, both that he started opening up to you and that he told you he doesn’t feel you comfort him. Now you know what he needs and can address him… learn to validate, and make him feel comforted.

He has said before that I don't step up to the plate when he needs me to. He thinks my pace is too slow and I am "too blonde" as he puts it and live in denial.

Again, more issues he sees you as having. If you feel these are real issues, deal with them, change yourself so that you are a happy person and not living in denial or fear.

I guess from reading this I don't know how to validate him - what does he need? I listen and I ask questions sometimes and I remember in the past saying that it wasn't right some of the bad things. I think sometimes I look like I feel sorry for him and he has said before it is like I am listening to a story which I told him really hurt my feelings because I did not view it that was and did not realize I seemed that way about it. What words or body language could I use to validate him? My family was pretty quiet and not really big on words so I am at a loss I guess. I can give a hug in a heart beat but am not sure what to say...I listen, I am calm but I am not sure what to say back that makes him feel heard and understood and that I really do care. Any advice? Thanks! :o)

Also my things to make me happy list includes: EXERCISE (even if it is just going for a walk on most days), I love to EXERCISE but can't seem to fit it in anywhere. I dragged out my old art portfolio and showed it to my 7 year old. I miss drawing. I miss listening to music and going to concerts. I miss praying, writing, and dancing. All things that have falling through the cracks while being "responsible". I can see where i am pretty "unfun". This is really helping me with ideas, I know I certainly can't get my life back without finding "me" again... :o))

[Marked&Healed]

Also my things to make me happy list includes: EXERCISE (even if it is just going for a walk on most days), I love to EXERCISE but can't seem to fit it in anywhere. I dragged out my old art portfolio and showed it to my 7 year old. I miss drawing. I miss listening to music and going to concerts. I miss praying, writing, and dancing. All things that have falling through the cracks while being "responsible". I can see where i am pretty "unfun". This is really helping me with ideas, I know I certainly can't get my life back without finding "me" again... :o))

Oh, goody gumdrops, we can be bestest GALing buddies then... those are pretty much my GAL activities.

Hows about we keep each other on task to make sure we make it of the utmost import each day to do these very important tasks? (Sorry, I'm pretty playful today and my only outlet is here at the moment as I'm stuck at work...)

Hi, my name is M&H and I'm here to:
Draw close to the Lord, exercise (hike, weights, biking), draw, play music, write music, take singing lessons (so the kids won't howl any more if I sing in the car), learn karate, and write poetry/short stories.

I pledge to do one of those things each day for a minimum of 20 minutes.

Now your turn. LOL

PS are you on the alt?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

One of the best movie quotes ever.

Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time?

Make the time.

Invest in yourself.

Get up 30 minutes early. Stop watching TV.

But you can make the time somewhere.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

PS -

SELF esteem


comes from you.

Not some [censored] up guy...

NEVER that.

YOU.

SELF.

[seeking answers]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^SPOT ON J3B, SPOT ON!^^^^^^^^^^^^^