Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[Glimmerman]

Gr8day

A few bits I will add (feel free to subtract them if you disagree)

First, make sure that "enlarging down south" that you feel is not actually pent up frustration. Your W will detect that.

Be careful again about bringing up what YOU want. You just mentioned that in your last post. In my view, the purpose of this meeting for YOU needs to be to find out more about what your W wants.

I don't think you need to tell her what you want in a healthy relationship. If she asks, fine. Even when my W asked me a question, I usually gave a fairly short answer, then asked "what about you?"

In my opinion, you will need (at least at some point) to talk about the past. Most likely it will come up pretty naturally anyway, since you are separated. In my case, the best advice I can give is when talking about the past, affirm your W's feelings and don't get defensive. It will hurt to hear some of it again (and again), but it lets you know what some of the true sticking points are to HER.

Some things you'll think "wow! isn't she over that", or "I don't even remember that". But she does, and they seem very repetitive to her.

I personally would not ask the 5 year question. At this meeting, it will probably not include both of you.

Here's more along the lines of what happened with us. My W started talking about some job frustration. So I asked if she would rather be doing something else. That led into a pretty long conversation and some "what if's" started to surface.

Simply put, you don't need to talk about what you want very much. Only if it's part of the natural conversation, OR if it's a point the two of you easily AGREE on.

And, as I think about it, R/M talk is going to come in this conversation anyway. After all, that's what the post marital agreement is addressing.

I would think it WOULD be OK to affirm what she said several weeks ago. In HER view, is the post marital agreement something she wants in place so that it's done IF the two of you don't work out?

I wouldn't bring up ANY of the dating stuff for you or her. This meeting is about your M.

And, I agree with Ruined_No_More....with how you feel, don't say "yes, but....". That tells her you disregarded what she said.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

GM points well taken.

I have a good grasp about the meeting now.
Thanks for everyones help.
I f anything comes up between now and Monday I'll post.

As for me GAL Friday night! wooo whooo

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I just received text message from W.
Thanking me for the Flowers from the kids.

I feel for her to contact me twice in one day is big for her.

I am not getting excited just stating a fact.

She's off Friday nights and has the kids. If she calls tomorrow night then I will definitely feel that she thinks she's losing me.

Another thought I forget to mention.

I know I would set the boundary of not being in an open M,

Is there a boundary for not seeing her girl friend whom I despise??

Truthfully, I really do not want her in her life if we reconcile. It's like I'm dealing with a OM sort of thing.

Thoughts on this would be appreciated

[Glimmerman]

You are really in no position to tell her who she can't see.

I posted this elsewhere, and may have already told you about it. I had something similar. My W has a friend who I think is a bad influence. My W told me about a couple of their conversations, and I realized that, at least in my case, my W was making her OWN decisions.

Her friend, like most friends, will encourage her to do what SHE (your W) wants to do. If your W wants a divorce, her friend will emotionally affirm her. If your W wants to stay married, her friend will emotionally affirm her.

Your W will have her own set of boundaries with her friends. There is another thread on this board titled started by Bummedout. If you haven't read it, please do. It will give you great input by a lot of posters on this board about this very subject.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks gm I'll check that thread out.

[Glimmerman]

I saw your post on that thread. As you know, I will just give you my impressions based on what I read, and you can think about it and do what you like.

In an earlier post, you were second guessing yourself on the dating website. In post in the other forum, you seem happy that you did. My question to you is this...are you more excited about meeting someone else, or are you more excited that your W might know that you did?

To me, your anger toward your W shows. I hope you get what you are looking for out of your meeting on Monday. I know it's felt like a long ride.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

GM,

thanks for your perspective.

In an earlier post, you were second guessing yourself on the dating website. In post in the other forum, you seem happy that you did. My question to you is this...are you more excited about meeting someone else, or are you more excited that your W might know that you did?

I guess I a second guessing the website b/c it feels so strange to thinking about dating again,
I would say I am excited about both. Others showing interest in me definitely is exciting and that fact that my W knows may be the wake up cal she needs to see. I don't know but she as made conatct w/ me more this week after she found out the info.

I am not angry with W, maybe it appears that way b/c I don't have any feelings towards her at all right now.
After 8 months of rejection I feel the only thing I can do is to make her think I'm moving on. I will be friendly towards her and agree with her at the meeting.

As for Monday, I'm not sure what I want right now except for another piece to this puzzle.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Just playing out the whole meeting on Monday in my head.

How should I respond to this interaction?

W: I think going through with D would be the best thing.

Me: I agree with you.

W: Now, don't put this all on me

Me: ? Suggestions here ?..........

how should I respond to something like that?

She has pulled this before, when we talked. I asked her if she wantedto D early in the process and she said it would probably be the best thing.
I said if that's what YOU want.
Then she pulls the "don't put this all on me".

[Glimmerman]

I know what you mean on the rejection thing. My C helped me with that early on. I told him that and his feedback was that in my W's mind, she felt "rejected" in the M. You know your W, so think about that and if you think she might have felt rejected in the M (again from her view), then it can help you deal with your feeling of rejection.

I have not been separated as long as you have, so I don't want to pretend I have all the answers for you. I can just let you know what helped MY perspective, which is putting myself in my W's shoes when I get angry or depressed about things, and understanding that she FEELS she put up with this for a long time. Doing that has helped me with patience and understanding.

You read sometimes that a WAW will "rewrite history". There is some truth to that, but what I have found is it's more like they "exaggerate history". As other posters have said, this is their feelings and emotions at work. I have noticed that my W's emotions are toning down. A few months ago, you used the phrases "you always..." and "you never....". She is not doing that near as much now. She also had no willingness for C then, and does now.

As far as responding to "don't put this all on me", let's see if you get some other responses. I would probably just ask her "w, what do you mean by that?". Her answer will probably give you insight into the things that caused your separation in her eyes. You can use her answer to gauge how things might have changed over the time that has gone by.

When your W said "I think divorce is the best thing", you said "I agree with you". That's fine with me and that advice is given on this board. I am not going to disagree with it, it's just not what I did. Instead of saying "I agree", I asked "why do you think that?" or just "why?". Then, based on her answer, if you then want to say "I agree", then go for it. I wanted to know more of what she was feeling, so I ASKED.

From my perspective, anytime I was not sure how to respond to something, or if I simply was not ready to respond to it yet, I put it back to my W in the form of a question.

"Why do you ask?"
"What do you mean?"
"I hadn't thought about it that way, what do you think?"

She is probably saying "don't put this all on me" because she feels you are not taking responsibility as her H for why she feels like she wants to divorce.

I can remember one time my W talking about our divorce paperwork. I don't even remember the question she asked me, but my response was something like "is this really the best thing to do?" She said something like "what else can we do?" I said "well, let's talk about that". And we did....led into a great discussion.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

GM

I know what you mean on the rejection thing. My C helped me with that early on. I told him that and his feedback was that in my W's mind, she felt "rejected" in the M. You know your W, so think about that and if you think she might have felt rejected in the M (again from her view), then it can help you deal with your feeling of rejection.

I totally understand this now. Since I was always worrying and on edge most of the time we weren't close physically. I accept my part on this however she would be in a bad mood and not treat me kindly then she would want to be intimate. Well after being treated like crap I wasn't in the mood to give back.
And so the cycle was developed. She told me she felt rejected when I there for her physically.

I understand her point and when I emailed her to meet I added a PS that stated " PS. I know excatly all the feelings you have had over this past year. I have felt them too now."

I have felt her reject every move I made that's why I feel I'm totally detached from the situation now. I am not angery just not worrying any more about what W thinks.

What I was doing before wasn't working so I thought I try something else.

I do like the WHY questions. I will agree with her and then ask the why Q.

Asking questions will be beneficial to helping understand where her mind is now.

Check back, I might have more thought to run by you.
gr8