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poet #1994506 05/02/10 11:21 PM
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Hi,
I usually check in on all of you before posting here, but I'm kind of tired.
I had a great, relaxing trip to Colorado. S34 lives on mountaintop heaven.
So good to see him (been a little over a year).
Relaxed, hiked. Never knew what day/date or time it was and didn't want to know.
Perspective takes time and distance. Lord knows I've had the time, but the sheer distance from here was refreshing.

Getting out of "limo" (beat-up suburban) and lugging suitcase into an empty house was rough.

I feel nothing for this place anymore. It's a memory-filled, empty $-hemorrhaging white elephant that is holding me back from moving on - spiritually and physically.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Gardener--

Yeah..the stepping into the empty house...I feel with you. A great trip, and knowing what awaits you at the end.

It will sell soon, though. And remember the house appreciates the care you are taking of it, even if you feel the ghosts.

I hope you got some pictures while you were visiting your son--get them printed as 8x10's, buy some cheap frames from anywhere, and get them on the walls!!

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A little Monday gift for you, Gardener:

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6451455n

Enjoy!

cbih #1994962 05/03/10 07:38 PM
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Thank you, cbih, for both posts.

That was great! Reminds me to go get that new cd. Forgot it was released the day I left for CO.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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aver,
Yep.
But the house has long since been Gardenerized & de-Xed.
And while I'm still enjoying it all - and manifesting the right next owner in the process, enough already: the sooner the better is all...


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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G---just catching up sounds like your trip was incredible! How did it feel to get away for awhile. I have been thinking that something like that would be just what the doc ordered---although mine would have to come with a beach, sand, and unlimited drink service!!


H: 30
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D Final 4-5-10

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Buffet,
Thanks for checking in.
Originally Posted By: Buffet
G---just catching up sounds like your trip was incredible! How did it feel to get away for awhile. I have been thinking that something like that would be just what the doc ordered---although mine would have to come with a beach, sand, and unlimited drink service!!
It was great! My son's a good man: a real resourceful, determined, doing-everything-he-wants-on-his-terms kind of guy (and has been pretty much since birth!). And as mellow as the day is long. Great to see him and his beautiful corner of the world.

And it was what the doc ordered. Should be for you, too. Do it. Whatever/wherever it is, do it.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Journaling,

For those of you who recall the debate with x over my renting out the upstairs Master Bedroom, which debacle I ended with this:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
X, with the rental now out of the equation, I respectfully request that you do not contact me at all unless it pertains to any of the following:

1) Our 2009 tax return.
2) The house sale.
3) Any stipulation in our Divorce agreement.
4) Your obtaining access to the house for your possessions or
5) Matters of life and death.
Lord, a'mighty, it worked! Not a peep in twelve days! A record. A peaceful record.

Can't say I'm really working through my (finally arrived) Anger phase. Just feeling it. And reviewing, or remaining cognizant of all the many valid reasons to be angry. It's not consuming me, by any means, but it is a kind of mental version of my oft repeated crude phrase: "Eff me? Eff you!" cool

Great new IC is working with me on that. Re: The Journey From Abandonment To Healing, I was stuck way too long in the Shattered phase ("Lost - everything is lost. gone: partner, companion, wife, lover, etc., home, hearth, family. Two wonderful stepchildren, one new granddaughter, everything!").

That and the Internalizing phase ("She. Left. Me. Ergo, it must be me, my fault, my faults, my shortcomings, my inadequacies, etc.")

P!ssed is good. She chose to cut rather than confront, run instead of repair, remove instead of improve.

She got exactly what she (deep down) wanted...and, hopefully what she needed as a person. But it was the unprincipled, traitorous, coward's way out. I would never have done it to her and I certainly did not deserve such treatment. None of us here did.

New IC wants me to really feel my way through this.
More importantly, she is concentrating on getting me to take better care of myself - to care for myself. Lifelong "Mr. Nice Guy" habit: everything and everybody else comes before my wants and needs.

How many times, after a another heartbreak, a setback, a failed DB attempt, the D, etc., have I thought - and posted - "Now, me. Time now for me" only to revert to my still-can't-get-over-it, paralyzed, almost house-bound victim stance.

And that must change. It's a year and a half, now and I still look like sh!t and more often than not feel like sh!t, even with the three day a week 5:00 am gym visits.

Good food. Good fun. Rest. Physical activity apart from my professional work. IC says I neglect these basics. And she's right. Interestingly, they're all physical needs. I make time every every evening to meditate, to read, to listen to music, to relax. But the physical I mostly ignore. Every morning I jump out of bed and hop to it, get going!

IC insists that for this one week until I see her again, I give the first full hour upon awakening each day to me. My needs. My wants. And slooowly. She wants me to regain my mindfulness (as do I) and insists the first hour be my mindful hour. To set the tone.

Working on it. Have to consciously work on it, live it as #1 priority.

It's all baby steps, friends. Life is baby steps.

Thanks.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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yeah, that term "working through" is kind of a cliche that doesn't have much meaning. I think it just means being willing to be present in the moment with your emotions, without running from them or medicating or numbing out or distracting yourself. going internally wherever they take you, and occasionally stepping back and seeing how it all looks from the perspective of who you are now. anger is empowering, helpful in the moving forward.

I know what you mean about spending too much time in the "shattering" phase--except it was as much time as we needed to be there, I think. if you moved on to the next phase, you weren't too stuck. those are the most painful parts, tho--that coming-to-terms with the shock of it all, grasping the new reality. I like the anger phase much better!!!

hang in there for that first hour of mindfulness--it will get to be a habit, and a good one.


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hm,
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I know what you mean about spending too much time in the "shattering" phase--except it was as much time as we needed to be there, I think.
Good point. Thanks for that perspective.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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