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Joined: Sep 2006
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The term Broken Arrow is a code phrase used in the military on the radio when youre numerically outnumbered, and your position is certain to be overrun by the enemy, and the only thing you can do is put your troops in a hole in the ground and call in airstrikes and artillery on your own position.

This morning at 2:30, unable to sleep, I am sending out a Broken Arrow distress call. For nearly two years now, Ive tried to settle this divorce as patiently as I possibly can. Each effort to do that: mediation, special masters and now a pre-trial has been rebuffed and scoffed at by a woman I could not hate more than my STBXW.

My trial is set for Monday and Tuesday. Last week, STBX hired yet an additional attorney to once again re-evaluate my Army and education pensions, and once again, came back with inflated figures. All of this at the 11 hour!

She now is demanding 58% of my military pension, $1750 a month in alimony and $1200 in child support for one kid at home. She wants full possession of the house and everything in it, and has never accounted for over 121K of blood money that I earned in Iraq, which she transferred into an account I couldnt touch. In return, I get no money, but I keep my valuable education pension.

She has been having an affair with her boss for over three years, since before I deployed. This jerk bought my daughter a Jeep when I was in Iraq, without my permission, and STBXW had the gonads to ask for a copy of my military ID so she could get a Veterans Discount Her tool of a boyfriend renovated the basement in my house for STBX, including a flat screen TV, all while I dove into bunkers in Iraq to avoid flying metal! (I Support Our Troops! Woohoo!)

She has yet to feel any pain from this divorce. I live in a nice apartment in an inner city, and shes in a $500,000 house. I have lost all confidence in my attorney.

Up until a week ago, I would have done anything to have kept my kids in the house where they've grown up. My sons room has been decorated in a hockey theme that he loves, and its the only house theyve known, but you know what?

YOU CANT NEGOTIATE OR APPEASE A TERRORIST.
Last night at midnight, I wrote my attorney and told him I was done. He wanted me to accept her demands, saying at least I had closure!Here's what I wrote him:

I want half of the house and her pensions. Ill take my chance of paying her lifetime alimony (which is a travesty because she makes 70K a year managing her scum bag boyfriends law office) I no longer care if she gets half of my pension.

Im done and its a liberating feeling not to care how I come out of this, as long as the judge dictates the terms and not her. I have so totally had it. But you know what? Not caring is so liberating, its cathartic!

I could really use some support my old friends. Ugh!

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FLTC: I know you just want it done. No one can blame you for that. But in a couple of years you will NOT be happy about how it went down. Don't throw in the towel now!

Divorce just amazes me. My H also had an affair and threw my dignity to the ground. I get nothing. I am not even working as retirement was forced on me a year ago. No Alimony. I had to buy HIM out of the house that was built for our disabled son. I lost bigtime when I decided to sell it (should have done that at the time of divorce). I got nothing from his pension.

I honestly believe, though, as long as you have some pension and some earning power - you will be ok. I stopped talking to my ex a long long time ago. He is STILL an angry man despite the fact he is in the R he wanted, got what he wanted in the D. He is still not happy. Do you know why? because he will NEVER be happy. because nothing and no one is ever going to be good enough.

But I am gone from the drama. I have moved on with my life. And I am happy again.

So - I get how you feel. Totally. But I also know that you shouldn't get in the hole and just say "OK" because you might be sorry down the road.

My divorce took 4 years. It was not a pleasant road. It is now 5 years since I got it. And it is history.

Your kids will be out of the house in a few more years. I think you might negotiate something to keep them there until son is in school but that's it. That is what I would be looking at.

Divorce sucks. Getting out of a bad marriage does not suck!

Hang tough!

Barb

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Yes, not caring brings an inner peace. She has been crazy in her demands from the very beginning. I can't believe your attorney would advise settling. Is it too late to find a new attorney?!


"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

Suzy
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Hey FL...

It sounds like your divorcing spouse has a lawyer who's willing to push and needle to get every potential ounce of blood from a stone.

I know a fantastic lawyer who I would have used if the lawyer wasn't acquainted with both the former spouse and me. He's brilliant and knows how to drive the opposing lawyer crazy to where they'd rather accede than deal with him. And you follow his advice because he's always right.

Let me know if you want more info.. either here or on FB... look up Kathleen Gyp Sy. He will get you the best outcome as ethically, intelligently and adroitly possible. I really wished he could have been my attorney!

There's a lot to be said for letting go.. especially when everything looks hopeless. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same outcome." "Successful people work smarter."

Changing lawyers is allowed. Interview some. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and Super Lawyers are both good places to look. Interestingly enough, my friend is not on either list! However, my lawyer and the former spouse's are. His lawyer (who is on both the AAML and Super Lawyers) was exorbitantly expensive. Most people see him and tell their clients to close it up as quickly as possible (or else they lose their marital asset shirts).

Hope it helps. Divorce changes everything. Kids don't live in the same house without the parent going broke. With a long term marriage (20 plus years) lifetime alimony is possible.. but it should also reflect existing income. At the divorce, you can stipulate whether or not you'd want alimony from her if your situation changes in the future.

And when the former spouse switched from a reasonable lawyer to his super duper expensive deplete all the assets lawyer, I went through almost two huge mega boxes of printing paper to provide what he needed (by that time I was making three copies.. one for me, my lawyer and his to minimize costs on my end).

Connecticut divorce is based on equitable, not equal, division of assets. I did not get an equal division.. even though he was the one to traipse off, abandon the kids and nearly bankrupt us. Because of his salary, he fell into the 'equitable' division. Which is (at least for a stay at home mom of 20+ years) 30% of his income, 10% for our minor child. I did not go to trial because he was willing (or seemed totally committed) to lose his shirt to 'tell his story' on why I should get less.

I'm rambling. To know your options, interview a few highly recommended lawyers. And all the lawyers know each other, work together and against each other based on the case. Most are friends with each other. Ask their input on the proposed settlement, how they would handle your case, what the expected outcome would be, and their assessment of both your existing lawyer and hers.

This experience is invaluable.

*hugs*


Hey.. if you want to relax see "Sound of Music" at the Shelton High School this weekend. Most people say it's so good that they forget it's an amateur production. You would not believe the sets, costumes, orchestra.. and of course the cast. You could even see my daughter in one of the speaking roles! And I'm STILL being unbiased!

And here's a few more *hugshugshugs* for if and when you need them.

*hugggggggggggggggggggggggs*

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FLTC, if you can honestly live with what you are committing to then go for it! But, be careful that it doesn't leave you more bitter and angry in the long run. I know that's hard to guage but just make sure you're decision is not based on emotion versus reasoning. Damn, why couldn't we drop your STBX into Iraq or Afganistan, that mess would be cleaned up just like that. The Taliban would flee pronto! And btw, when you say she hasn't been touched by this divorce sitch, don't you believe it. In the long run this woman will pay in some way for the way she's behaved through this whole thing. I'm serious. It might be years down the road, but she will pay. You will have worked through your issues and pain and be a much a happier person than she could ever be. Hang in there! Over and out.
Hey, just to bring a smile to your face I will pass on a war game story. Many moons ago I was on guard duty with another Pvt. and it was at night. We were to challenge anyone who tried to pass our checkpoint and The password was "open flame". So, at one point in the evening someone approached our checkpoint and we demanded the password and he replied "open fire", so we did! OK, it was just blanks but it scared the crap out of him. And yes, we did get sh!t from the Sgt. "you both knew it was Smith, yet you shot at him anyway just for laughs and therefore gave away our position" So, we paid for that one, rightly so. !
Anyway, gotta run. Stay strong my friend, this too shall pass.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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I say get this thing done in the trial next week. I would rather live with a judges decision than surrendering to batchit crazy that refuses to negotiate in a fair manner.

I dont think she should get any alimony if she is making that much. $1200 for one child support seems rather steep for your pay vs her pay. I pay $600 for 2 combined. However, I have 50% custody. I make around 8 times what my XW does. Your wife and your income ratio is not even close to that.

I remember a BROKEN ARROW scene in the movie "We Were Brothers". Even though the sh!t was hitting the fan, we were able to drop some napalm and get out of that battle somewhat in tact. You can do the same and move forward by setting up legal rules of engagement that will make sure you win the war. BTW... I have been to Vietnam and it sure seems like capitalism is winning there.

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I work in the legal field, and have seen people get screwed. Don't allow yourself to do that. I think, if your attorney is not doing a good job for you, it's time to find another attorney. Especially one that is well versed in what the law allows vs. what your stbx wants.

I understand the need to settle things peacefully and quietly. However, there are also times when one is placed in circumstances beyond their control. I do not think, at this point, laying down and taking it is the right move.

Is there not some kind of law that states if adultery is involved, your stbx forfeits her rights to alimony (which, frankly I think is bs unless the spouse did not work during the time of the marriage), and pension?

Minimal. Not in the case of the children, but w/ stbx, absolutely. And 1200 a month for one child is excessive...


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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FL,

Settling is something we run to because we want our lives back after so much crap. So many of us settle to stop the pain of the whole ordeal. But settling at our expense is not IMHO the right thing to do.

As far as the house your kids grew up in, I wanted the same for mine FL - I truly did, but had to sell the house to my X when he had it appraised for an amount too much above value. I bought a new house and all my fears about the kids turned out to be wrong. For one thing, the old house held really bad memories of their parents' breakup. For another, they like my new house better, they're happy here. Plus, my boys spend their time here - not there.

It's not the house that kids remember. You can fix up a new room for your son. Laws are laws FL. The only way she can get what is not legally hers to have is if you let her.
If you cave now, you may always regret it. You will probably regret it if you don't stand up. How much longer would it drag this thing on anyway?

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FLTC: I vowed that my children would not have to move from their house, our dream house. On the day we split (happened suddenly) Ashley cried and cried "Please don't make me move from my house" - a lot of guilt to put on a parent.

So we stayed. And I perservered. And I watched all my savings go down the tubes - it had a mortgage, high taxes, tons of upkeep...

5 years later with little warning I bought another house. A smaller house but still in the same neighbourhood (less traumatic for Ashley who didn't want to change schools). She didn't think she was going to like her room (too small she said). Brandon (middle son) asked me if I'd lost my mind (because I acted quickly). More like I just came to my senses after digging in so hard to NOT lose the house.

The new house is perfect. No, it doesn't have a pool. Or as many rooms. But there are not as many of us either. And Ashley's room actually turned out to be bigger than her previous one. And I made a little tv room in the basement for her and her friends to hang out. And I let her decorate her room any way she wanted (paint is cheap).

I don't miss the house at all - too many bad memories. And Ashley has said the same. There are THINGS she misses about it but mostly - she remembers the fighting. And there is no fighting in the new house.

So there ya go!

Barb

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I am prior military and my STBXW is still active. I don't believe it is possible for you to lose more than 50% of your pension to her. I don't know what state you are in, but most states I do know about use the same formula basing it on the number of years the non-military spouse was married to the military member while they were on active duty divided by the total years of service times 50%. For example if you served 20 years and you were married to your W for those entire 20 years she would get 50% (20/20 X .50). If you served 20 years and were married for 15 of those years she would get 37.5% (15/20 X .50).

BA

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