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whatisis,
Originally Posted By: whatisis
Losing a marriage of any length of time is a horrible, horrible thing. In our society it's talked about like an everyday occurrence, like it's nothing. Yet, the damage it causes to individuals is real and an everyday battle to overcome. It's not just one of those things. like a bad flu, that will happen to each of us! I know there are times when I'm out somewhere and realize I'm there alone, I'm not with that person I spent 17 years of my life with. It's tough sometimes. I don't know when it gets to be a distant memory but even after 2.5 years I'm not there yet.
So Gardener and givingitmyall, you two aren't alone here!
You're right on the money, here. Coincidentally, mine was 17 years, too. Check out The Journey From Abandonment To Healing by Susan Anderson who has worked with LBHs for 25 years. Great book! 1) She says that the effects of being LB by a WAW is identical to the symptoms and stages of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. 2) She says, "When a relationship ends, it is painful for both people, but the pain is especially debilitating for the one left behind..." 3)She states that most LBHs think it would have been better had the spouse died. For the LBH, the spouse has died, but there are no rituals, friends and family don't step in to help, the family/friend circle tends to dissipate rather than gather round. Again, a great book. I highly recommend it. It has helped me identify the stage of abandonment grief I am literally stuck in and can't seem to move beyond. My new IC and I are using this book as our starting off point.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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NCB,
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Actually, it has been described as being a cycle. (Others key into the "rollercoaster" nature of this process.)
We each cycle through the various stages of this traumatic experience -- and the entire associated range of emotions -- over and over again; each time the cycle becoming more and more spread out, less intense and easier to cope with. Eventually the cycle flattens out and we no longer are so affected, having grown, adapted and moved forward. Healed.
Some cycle out sooner than others. For some of us the cycles seem to fade but they do resurface. Eventually we will all get beyond this. Or so we hope.
Excellent.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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CTH,
Uh-Oh,
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
My guess is we never totally get beyond it. I base this on a conversation with a coworker. He's been happily married to his second wife for nearly 20 years. They raised a son. He said the second marriage is better in every way from the first.

Yet he still thinks about his first wife at least once a week.

That was an eye-opener.
This is my second divorce. Actually the second marriage was light-years better in every way than the first. The (current) X Mrs. Gardener had a very abusive father and wound up marrying a man 47 years her senior (daddy?). She often complained to me that from the day they were married, her name changed from (her name) to "Hon." I, personally, eschew pet names, so I always called her by her first name which she loved.

I, too, got married the first time around to the wrong person at the wrong time for the wrong reason (me:21, she:19).

As a result of these facts, Mrs. G. and I always said we were each wed before, but this was our first real marriage.

And I still believe that the sudden death of her horribly abusive father, with whom she had severed all contact for 30+ years, a death which occurred 5 months before the bomb, was the deep-seated catalyst of re-surfacing pain for her. And she had to escape...something. And that something became me and our marriage.

But, as always, I really digress, here. Sorry.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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hm,
Thank you. You're right, of course. And I also like- and often use - the phrase you employed: Keep thimking "shoulds" and you wind up "shoulding all over yourself!" grin


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
...to the point of writing similar things at the same time!!
Yep. That, too.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I posted in the .alt a few hours ago that I bit the financial sitch bullet and advertised my unused 2nd floor Master Bedroom Suite for rent.

Within 1 hour I got two calls and two showings tomorrow morning!


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Absolutely Livid Journaling/Venting!

Today I am both showing the house (Open House) myself without my Broker (long story) and showing the upstairs Master Bedroom Suite to potential renters.

X shows up with some paperwork during one showing. I had asked her to call before coming over which she, of course, ignored.

I good-naturedly told her about the four sale showings and made the mistake of saying I have the MBS advertised for rent. She replies that since I may be realizing income from the place, she will not have to give me money towards expenses of the house any more.

Oh, no, no, no, says I. The damned Connecticut formula is so f'd up that despite her leaving me to come up with her half of house mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, upkeep for 17 months (covering an additional $1,500-$1,700 per month) to keep this place afloat so she can get her 50% of the proceeds when it's sold, her housing expenses went DOWN by $500+ when she moved into her apartment. Difference between her expenses and mine is about $500/month, so she only has to give me half of that difference - a whopping $240 - every month. And even that I do not get monthly: it will be in the form of a credit to me when the house is sold.

I told her I've been breaking my a$$ monetarily and physically to keep this place up and to spruce it up for sale while she does nothing.

She said (once AGAIN) that she offered to come back in December and take over if I moved out and that I agreed and then changed my mind! (how dare I?) I asked her if she was also interested in discussing the seventeen "agreements" we had that she changed her mind on after she left the house! No, of course not. Besides, she did not leave the house (that fog fiction, again!), she left me.

I told her to talk to her lawyer, find the non-existent stipulation in the divorce agreement that she "pays" less if I generate rental income to stay alive until we can sell her and my house. Told her it ain't gonna happen. As a matter of fact, I have logged over 350 hours of non-"normal" maintenance and sprucing up work to sell this place and I'll pursue reimbursement for that if she wants to start playing games.

Also, told her that since the divorce decree gives me sole responsibility to making sure this place stays in show-ready condition, I want her to getthe rest of her sh!t out of my home now so the basement will look more open, less cluttered.17 months and two apartments later is long enough for her to continue to "store" stuff, here. Fine, she says and took a few items she could fit in her car. She said she'd be back for more. "Not today," I said. "No," she replied. "Good," I said.

I then said in the future do not come to my home without my prior approval as stated in the divorce agreement.

The next time she contacts me for anything, I plan on telling her that if it does not involve the house sale, her getting her stuff out of the house, or a matter of life and death, don't bother contacting me at all.

Dammit!! I let her "get" to me. Pi$$ed me off!
Mad at myself for letting that happen!

But it is good for me to see the cold, disdainful, selfish, self-righteous monster side of her again. Hopefully it will help me the next time I get sad, bereft, lonely for a person who no longer exists in any way shape or manner! Hopefully I will remember she is now a lying, deceitful, unprincipled, promise/word/commitment/vow-breaking, cake-eating, gaslighting, memory editing, history re-writing alien!

There. I'm done now.
Or should I say I'm done for now?


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Yikes. Yes. That sucks.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz
http://tiny.cc/thread2
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Gardener, here's something a friend once told me and she had been through divorce hell. "No matter how bad it gets, it will always get better". It sure helped me during tough times so I pass it on to you. smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Thanks, CTH.
Thanks whatisis; you're right.
You know what really happened to me today with X?
This: www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU
mad grin


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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