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antlers #1974333 04/04/10 01:43 PM
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Hey Ant,

Your reply was my immediate thought as well, but why do I already feel guilty about replying like that?

I believe there is some passive aggressiveness in her reply, but am I just way off and too close to the situation?

It seems another loose-loose for me. if I say yes, she is still treating me as her provider and doormat, in my opinion, if I say no, she gets to build up more resentment and anger about me being 'inflexible' and not doing what is 'best for our daughter' etc.

Still pondering, but also need to just have fun today with d9 while I have her..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Your feeling guilty because you're putting her needs above your own. Don't. Assertiveness is a good thing...my reply, and your immediate thought, is standing up for your rights and what's good for you...without imposing on her rights.

You are close to the situation. That's why it's beneficial to come here and let other people help you...people who have no emotional investment in the situation.

Letting her treat you as her doormat is definately not good for you. As far as her building up resentment and anger towards you...you have no control over that...so don't bother trying. Do what you think is right, and let her think what she will.

I hope you have a Happy Easter.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
antlers #1976266 04/07/10 02:09 AM
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Well, Ant, your right. I have not sent my reply yet, but I like what you wrote.

On another note, I got a bit of an unexpected boost from my d9, although at the time, it was a real tear jerker for me.

When I went to drop d9 off Easter evening, which is a Sunday when I normally drop her off Monday mornings, on our way back to stbxw house, d9 asked me "Do I get to spend all of next weekend with you?" And when I gave her a hug good bye, she asked "Now, you are going to call me every night this week Dad, right?"

Of course I replied yes to her, and explained that her mom wanted to see her for Easter as well, and why I dropping her off on Sunday night instead of Monday.

I left and man was I choked up driving off after that, but happy in a way as well, that she is expressing herself better with time.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 827
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Boy, another annoying and maddening day..

I am supposed to believe that things get better over time. What time that is who knows.

I did get to visit my d9 at school today, and drop her off at stbxw after..

So, in the side yard of 'our' home, she has allowed ss19 to build a fire pit, and now I see all of our old dining room furniture, 'our' yard tools strewn around the firepit, and charcoal everywhere from fires. Nice, $600 plus in indoor furniture left outside to rot...

Spent the next hour on phone with credit card company, as my credit is now destroyed and all my cards have been cut down to unusable.

It's tough to take that everything I worked for gets taken away from me, my daughter for is gone from my life for 2/3 of it, my credit finances that I worked so hard to protect is destroyed, loss of the investments, the home.

What a complete mess, and somehow I am supposed to wish my stbxw happiness in her new life?

So, I am headed to Australia for work with not so much as a credit card if something happens there..

Supposed to look at what I do have, and be grateful, maybe later today when I don't feel like just screaming and wondering how in the h*ll this state and stbxw get to do this to me no consequences other than to me..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 827
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So after the last maddening and annoying post, I have accepted that I'll have to rebuild from scratch both my life and my finances...

Really, what else can you do but accept it. Nothing to fight, other than with myself, so what's the point..

So, I picked up d9 this weekend, went out with a meetup group on Saturday for a nice hike along the Cape Cod Canal, and even though that had been one of 'our' things for a bit near the end of our marriage, I was not swamped in feelings of loss, or anything, and was pleasantly surprised by myself. Also had pic'a'nic lunch with d9 while there..

Sunday brought a day at the Sports complex in town, batting cages, go-carts, rock climbing, mini-golf, and topped off with round of golf driving with d9, and a friend and her daughter who happened to be there. d9's first swing of a golf club, and we had a blast!

Ended the day with Make Your Own pizza at home, which d9 likes to say is 'filled with love' as we add all the toppings, then we had a eat in the living room party and watched Loony Tunes before she quite crashed and was ready for bed.

I must say, it really was a great weekend with d9, and didn't cost too much money, 40 bucks for the two us for all day Sunday and I don't consider that too bad..

Dropping off d9 this AM, she asked if next week was vacation week and if she would be coming over all week to my house, and after I said yes, she did the 'fist pump' and exclaimed "YES!"

Trying not to gloat, but that makes me feel really good, and while I know I'll have to be the 'dad' at times, and we'll have ups and downs, I am so lucky to have such a great kid..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw,What a GREAT weekend for you!
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
So after the last maddening and annoying post, I have accepted that I'll have to rebuild from scratch both my life and my finances...
I understand. Me, too. And we'll both do just fine.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Really, what else can you do but accept it. Nothing to fight, other than with myself, so what's the point..
Excellent point. And very well put. Exactly.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Dropping off d9 this AM, she asked if next week was vacation week and if she would be coming over all week to my house, and after I said yes, she did the 'fist pump' and exclaimed "YES!"
Great! Just great! I don't even know her, and I can just picture her!

Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Trying not to gloat, but that makes me feel really good
Oh, gloat, Dad, gloat! By all means...
What an uplifting post!


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Another week in the books.... smile

I just want to point out to people, meetup.com has been a godsend for me, and I hope others get some benefit out of it as well!

Yesterday d9 and I hit a new meetup group for single parents, and went to a 'build your own wooden toy' workshop, and had one of the best meetups yet!

d9 built a toy bed for some of her play dog's and she and I building it together, then painting it was absolutely a great day, and the whole thing was about 10 bucks. She couldn't stop talking about how much fun it was! We then had ice cream with the group before heading home for food shopping and dinner.

On a more personal note, the lady that runs the group was so nice to me, I was kind of taken back. Within 10 minutes of really meeting up, she spent time talking with me, and then has me invited to an adults only hot tub party this coming weekend, and three of the groups other kids/parents meetups this weekend!

Did I mention she is attractive as well. smile Don't worry, no expectations, but she has that outgoing friendly attitude that can make friends with anyone, and I am a bit of an introvert, so that always brings me out of my shell a bit, and that's a good thing.

Wednesday the group is going roller skating, and I am sure I'll be making a fool of myself, but who cares! d9 and I should have fun with the group and kids, and I am looking forward to it.

Just really in a good mood after yesterday, today d9 and I are meeting another meetup group for a hike and picnic lunch, cheap day of fun, and well worth it.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Posts: 3,041
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Sounds like you're doing some healing. Good for you. Keep on doing it...intentionally!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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IWITW,

Just checking in to see how things are going. If it's any solace (and certainly no surprise), I'm dealing with the same issues with my STBXW and our kids as you are with your STBXW and D9. Suddenly the kids spending more time with me when it's supposed to be her time with them is just fine and dandy when the alternative for her is to go have fun somewhere. Frankly I don't mind it most of the time, but with me presently having 100% temporary custody of S10, it can be a bit much. I have to have SOME down time just to decompress- not to mention try to get things done. It's tough- I know how you feel.

One thing I'd suggest if your not doing it already is to keep track of those dates/times you have D9 when she is supposed to be with your STBXW. Those full and half days here and there can really add up over time, especially as it relates to the amount of child support your paying her.

Sounds like you are continuing to do well GALing and spending quality time with D9. As much as I hate to hear about what your D is doing to you financially (and what I too am going through), in the end our kids are the most important.

Take care of yourself. I'll try to check in when I can.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
I just want to point out to people, meetup.com has been a godsend for me, and I hope others get some benefit out of it as well!
Agreed! Me? meetup hiking and meetup swing dance.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
...and then has me invited to an adults only hot tub party this coming weekend
Whoa! Way to go!
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Did I mention she is attractive as well. smile Don't worry, no expectations, but she has that outgoing friendly attitude that can make friends with anyone, and I am a bit of an introvert, so that always brings me out of my shell a bit, and that's a good thing.
Better and better. Good for you!


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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