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CTH,

Focusing on the kids is good. Focusing on yourself and getting happy with yourself, by yourself, is better.


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Journaling,

I've come to realize that - for me, anyway - the roller coaster doesn't end abruptly. Or even eventually. I seem to have simply temporarily switched over to the kiddie roller coaster. Slower. Fewer and lower climbs, fewer and less-steep dips. But still a roller coaster.

Sad and lonely Saturday morning. Sunny, cloudless, but crisp and unexpectedly cool.

A typical walk around the yard and garden, cup of tea in hand. The weeping cherry tree I planted nine years ago is now 25 feet tall and wide and absolutely splendidly covered in blossoms that float down like pink snow flurries.

The 250 hostas (my favorites - and the deers' favorite mad) grow this time of the year at a rate you could almost see happening. The rows of peonies are two inches taller than just yesterday!

I cut back the bare Hydrangea trees just this Wednesday. Today, their leaf buds are the size of my thumb. The Lily-Of-The-Valley bed is dense with pips breaking the soil. Grape Hyacinths perfume the walk.

Bridal-Wreath Spirea live up to their flowing, snow white namesake.In the midst of the Lilac leaves are their promises of flowers to come.

Daffodils hanging on. Tulips just opening. Yesterday I could still see the house behind my backyard. Today, the row of Burning Bushes have almost obscured the view with just one day's worth of leafing out.

The Honeysuckle begins its slow choking conquest of the arbor.

It is all still so beautiful but now virtually meaningless. A visual delight that now just underscores loneliness. I am almost embarrassed to admit that this morning - for the first time in months - I am, quite simply and starkly, bereft.

I am unaccustomed to taking these early morning strolls, teacup in hand without my partner by my side holding the Dunkin' Donuts coffee that I would have just returned from buying for her.

There is no hand in my hand during this morning's walk, emphatically squeezing it with every, "Oh, look, Gardener! How beautiful!" There is no spontaneous cheek-peck as she says, "Thank you for all this, Gardener. You've made our home so beautiful!"

Where - where? - did she go? What happened to her?

I silently scream in my mind to keep the eyes from welling, wondering when - when - will I ever get mad, when does the rage come? The indignant rage at having been selfishly, senselessly, maliciously, robbed of so much?

I am totally taken aback and overwhelmed by being flooded like this this morning.

Is there a fine line or is it a wide, gaping area between the experiencing of and really feeling these feelings and simply wallowing in them?

I don't know.

It now hurts so seldomly, so rarely as time passes.
But it still hurts. With a power that almost frightens.

I will be okay.
I will be okay the day I no longer say, "I will be okay."
On the day I say, "I am okay."

Gardener.
Solo. But not Soaring.

Last edited by Gardener; 04/10/10 03:43 PM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I'm with you, Gardener. I realized this week that it's Saturdays that I dread. I usually can find things to do on the nights if I work hard enough at it. But it's the weekend days I don't know what to do with myself.

When W and I were together, a weekend day with nothing to do was like found money -- golf, basketball, a bike ride, wow, what to do with myself.

Now, there's no motivation for any of that.

If I remember right, you are selling the house, correct? Where are you going to move to? If it's another, smaller, house, then perhaps you can get your mind off things by planning the Garden just for Gardener.

Another idea. You must have some kind of arboretum or nature preserve nearby that is looking for volunteers. Perhaps you could work at a place like this on the weekends.


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Hey G sorry to hear that you had a tough morning, it sounds like you put a ton of work into the garden and yard, I am sure you did that for you and the X but also b/c it is something that YOU liked. Enjoy it for what it is---your hobby. You never know someone else might stroll by and wander who that Gardener is??!

Also need you to pep up and welcome me to my new home, I moved recently!


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Thanks, Buffet.
I was at your new home. First day, I believe. You must have missed my post.
Hope all is well. Will catch up later.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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(((Gardener))) like you said...this is your year for cycling through the seasons as a newly single man. And everything that you would have shared with her is a painful reminder of your loss. Sometimes beauty hurts when we're in pain.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
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Hey Gardener, sorry to hear you are still having some bad days, but we all do and will. Like you said, the roller coaster continues, but the the hills and valleys get smaller and smaller. Time will help us there.

Quote:
Where - where? - did she go? What happened to her?


This question you come back to often, and you simply must realize that it is a question without an answer. You will continue to cycle through this and other feelings until you let this question go.

I know, it is painfully hard. Maybe you can find a trigger or word trigger that when this creeps in you push it out of your mind with acceptance that you will not be able to answer it, so you will not let it affect you anymore.

I feel it's at the root of a lot of these bad feelings that reside and come from the past

You can do this, and take the focus off X and return to the focus to what is most important. Gardener and his thriving future.


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cth, buffet, flowmom, iwantittowork,

Thank you for your responses, thoughts and suggestions.

I'm okay. Really. Sometimes, it just hits you all over almost like the very first time again. Or am I the only one who occasionally experiences this?

Like Gypsy and many of you, I enjoy writing. And on mornings like this morning, I do so so descriptively that I imagine some of you wind up thinking, "Uh oh. Gardener's losing it."

Gardener isn't losing it. He's just still processing it, far less often, to be sure, but sometimes still just as intensely.

Even mornings like today, after the nostalgic wave of loss passes - and it does, relatively quickly - I simply...resume. Usually with a post-cathartic spring in my step, a simple "oh. well," or "it is what it is," or a muttered barb aimed at the absent x along the lines of, "your loss, toots!" wink

As always, I appreciate your rushing in with support. It must sound on occasion as though I need triage rather than support, but I don't. I guess when I journal and share what I feel, I really share what I feel! At that moment, at least. The alternative is to tone it down, to minimize it and that I can't do. I'm not being dramatic, just articulating it for me and to you. To exorcise it. And then get on with it.

Originally Posted By: clingingtohope
I realized this week that it's Saturdays that I dread...Another idea. You must have some kind of arboretum or nature preserve nearby that is looking for volunteers. Perhaps you could work at a place like this on the weekends.
Amen on the first comment, cth. Great idea on the second comment. There is one nearby, too. Thank you, cth.
Originally Posted By: flowmom
...everything that you would have shared with her is a painful reminder of your loss. Sometimes beauty hurts when we're in pain.
Amen, fm. It's as profoundly simple - and, thankfully, as fleeting - as that.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
let this question go.
Thank you, friend. I am. It's a process, though. And it's happening, despite the occasional backslide.

Gratefully,


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I hope you had a better day today Gardener!

I wish I could see your garden- it sounds absolutely lovely. I am missing mine this year.

Hugs, Bunny


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Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I hope you had a better day today Gardener!
I did, thank you.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I wish I could see your garden- it sounds absolutely lovely. I am missing mine this year. Hugs, Bunny
I'm missing mine, too. Just going through the motions. Keeping it up for the sale. But enjoying even that, to an extent. I dunno: it's in my blood, I guess.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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