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Hey Ms. Donna..

Aren't teenagers darling? I was told the closer your son is too you, the harder he has to push away to find his independence.

I can't remember. Does their dad have the kids during the week, or just on weekends?

It is much easier to have no contact. But kids need both parents. If the father wants to take an active role then that's a good thing, even though it's a trigger for you.

And that's what it is.. a trigger. The down slide of emotions is just getting caught up in the old thoughts, the old messages.

Remorse? Shamorse! It's not going to happen. He will never validate your feelings, be able to give you the answer you're seeking. It's like wishing that a blue dye would be activated when folks pee in a pool to reveal the offenders. A dream.

From my experience, the cycling of obsessive thoughts is anxiety running at full tilt, going over information you've processed in the past. Follow the techniques that break the cycle. Work with your counselor. And if that doesn't work, consider alternatives, like meds.

You are wonderful, strong.. even if you're shorter than your son. And size doesn't matter. You're his mom, larger than life. Be consistent with your boundaries. I don't know if he texts, but I suspended texting through Verizon for a week for my daughter when she wasn't focusing on homework. It hit home.

One suggestion from the state mandated parenting class seemed interesting. That the parents spend 15 minutes on the phone once a week reviewing what the kids are up to, bringing each other up to speed. The hurt you're healing from as a former spouse is one thing. Your children having an effective father figure is another.

My children's father has abandoned them. They did nothing for Easter.. nothing. Haven't seen him since a diner breakfast at Christmas. And it's terrible on so many levels. I will never try to be both parents. Being a mom is enough.

Being able to co-parent is a gift, even if it's hard to swallow.

*hugs*

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"Toying with the idea of asking my IC to do one final sit-down with x..."

No, don't. Stop that thought. Totally inappropriate. Totally intrusive. Stop trying to work out the problems in an R that doesn't exist.

Moreover, X is irrelevant here. You are revisiting your comfort zone of misery. You are escaping. Why? What's going on?

Do you feel too challenged by DS? Do you feel like a bad mother? Do you simply want to avoid the anger? What are you masking? Whatever it is, you certainly managed to avoid it with you nasty drug of choice.

As for how to interact with XH -- STICK TO THE BUSINESS OF CO-PARENTING. His request that you call him with ALL problems is inappropriate and unreasonable. Is he really going to invite you into his household every time there is a problem with one of the kids over there? I think not. He is not going to want you parenting in his house via teleconference. No reason he should be doing that in your house on a regular basis either.

Notice that there is also no reason that you couldn't sometimes ask for help via text. "XH, DS will not get dressed and go to school because his ROTC pants are too short. If you could give him a nudge, it would be appreciated."

THAT is the content relevant to co-parenting. All the stuff about your XM is irrelevant. It is about you and not your son. And that stuff about your XM is for you to work out on your own. It is not XH's job, nor his responsibility. XH is not the person who will work out those problems with you. He cannot. He will not. He should not. So, put your XM baggage in a box, take it to IC. The interaction with XH is about CO-PARENTING.

Talking with XH right now does not enhance your ability to CO-PARENT. So, no reason to do it.

Also, try to quit making every problem with DS about the D. It isn't. Your DS is a teenager. The causes for his behavior are what they are. No doubt, the D makes things harder for you both. But, you don't have a magic magnifying glass that lets you see which issues are due to the D. And you don't have carte blanche to beat XH about the head with D rants every time DS has issues. How would you like it if XH started complaining about your actions during the M that he didn't like when you were trying to work on helping DS in the present day. The past affects us, but we can't change it. So, rather than beat up XH regarding something neither of you can change, how about: "I'd really like to ask for your support sometimes when I think that two parental voices will make more of an impact than one. Would it be OK for me to call on you for help sometimes to back me up?"

That is co-parenting, but I'm not convinced it would help you at all. XH is being a butthead overall, so you might want to really think about whether you want that help. Imagine you HAD called him this morning: "XH, I'm trying to get out of here and DS is having a fit because his ROTC pants are too short and he's refusing to go to school." What do you REALLY think XH's reply would have been? Personally, I think he would have gone off and given you a nasty earful, blaming you, criticizing you, feeling superior, etc... I don't think he would have said, "Oh, please let me help. I'll be right over and take him to school myself."

Nope. I don't see that happening. He SAYS he would have done so now, but this just lets him feel like a good, present dad when he isn't one. So, boooo him.

You are a good mother. You handled DS just fine, you found a great solution. That is what matters.

So, in the end: "XH, thanks for your concern. I may take you up on your offer of help at some point in the future. It will be good for DS to be able to benefit from you in his life more often."


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Oops. I meant to write: "XH, thanks for your concern. I may take you up on your offer of help at some point in the future. It will be good for DS to be able to benefit from you in his life more often. But, until I ask for your input on my parenting in my house on my time, please put your criticisms and orders right where you head belongs, up your ... "


P.S. I wrote a few posts on SmileyPerson's thread that annoyed him to no end, but you might find them useful.

BTW, just wondering, did you get any emails from me recently? I think my email may not be working properly.


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Donna -
Totally agree with Oldtimer. This isn't about ex, unless you choose to make it so. This is just a kid who couldn't bear to be embarrassed at school wearing short pants. I get it - one of my kids was like that. Don't make it into more than it is.

Let go or be dragged. That was my mantra. It just IS - you gotta accept it and move on.

Ellie

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Quote:
"Toying with the idea of asking my IC to do one final sit-down with x..."

No, don't. Stop that thought. Totally inappropriate. Totally intrusive. Stop trying to work out the problems in an R that doesn't exist.


OT has hit it right on the head. Do NOT try to get X to see a light he refuses to acknowledge exists.

Quote:
Nope. I don't see that happening. He SAYS he would have done so now, but this just lets him feel like a good, present dad when he isn't one. So, boooo him.


Another point well made. It is very easy for him to sit back and say what he would have done so he can feel good about himself. But he wasn't there and he wasn't involved...leave it that way unless it is something major.

I've said it before Donna, I think that our X's are very similair....neither one is going to have that "awkening" that we hoped for. And even if they do ever realize that they made a mistake or that their actions have consequences, we are the last person they will admit that to!


"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

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You have gotten tons of good advice. You have been feeling really good and yes sometimes you will slip. Notice that you didn't fall.

Your 14 year old is testing himself and you. What can he get away with, how far can he push...you know those kind of things. I blamed a lot on the divorce too but this year he has come out of that protective shell. He is surviving too.

He actually did lose a weekend of getting to see his girlfriend as punishment once. The grief he got from her was 10 times worse that he would have gotten from me. I actually let him choose his punishment. It was A or B. He thought he chose the easy one. I don't think he will make that mistake again.

kat


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Dont dwell on the past.
Dont try to blame children's behavior on the divorce.
Dont think of ways to fix your ex spouse to your liking.
Dont wish your ex spouse will disappear.
Dont get into positions where you feel overwhelmed.
Dont let little things get you down.

Your XH wants to help. You need to figure out for yourself how much you are willing to let him help. I think it is a great situation for the kids if two divorced parents can work together as one for enforcing certain rules and discipline for their children.

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All wonderful advice and it seems like you've turned a corner based on your FB status so I'm going to shut up now. smile


What do you have planned for this coming weekend?


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Donna, it's just another bump along the road! Co-parenting is is the ticket if you can make it work. You and Ex may not be able to work out your own stuff together (and please don't try!) but you can be good parents together. I've had issues with my kids too and it's because they're kids and that's what kids do! It even happens in the happiest of couples families too! Hey, it'll work out. smile


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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I wanted to stop in and thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your wise words. As it turns out, I am back to "normal" again, whatever that is wink

There are triggers - now to just continuing to do the work inside that these things bring to the surface. IC meeting tomorrow...but looks like I'm finally off the Effexor (took a long time to come off of it - makes your head feel squirrely if you move too fast).

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