Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[Wholeagain]

Basically I'm wondering whether you and your bf have had some passive-aggressive dynamics going on. Whether there is a finer way to influence him.

[pearlharbr]

That was the point of having that convo, WA. I told him I wanted to discuss it and find out what he was thinking about it. I said I understand that there are lots of reasons not to move, too, and I wanted to discuss them all so we could make the right decision. Yes, I want to move to SF but I also want to do what is best for me, for him, and for us.

I think when it comes down to it that BF will move to be with me. He said before he would because it's what I wanted. I'm just not sure he will like living there. I'm much more of a city person than him. But ultimately I'm ok with that. IF being in SF is what will make me happy and BF is unhappy then I can live with that being a reason to split up. In Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay one of the criteria is how you envision your future lifestyle. We already can't agree on how we want to retire (small town v city) so SF will be a trial run. And I may decide it's not where I ultimately want to be, I don't know. What I do know is that it's where I want to be right now and that if BF will not give me any reasons not to go then I'm going.

[kara]

Sounds fair enough to me, Pearl.

[Silver Fox]

Hey Pearl. Just wanted to say Happy Easter and Spring!

Sorry I disappeared for awhile. I'm busy cleaning and repairing my house. My xh finally moved all of his stuff but not without another ridiculous email trying to postpone ("one of our cats has cancer").

I shot back a curt response but because it's Easter and I'm a lady too, I'll save it for when I update my thread next week.

If your BF doesn't want to lose you he'll move too. I've been reading Why Men Love Bitches and He's Just Not That Into You. Very interesting and enlightening and they both align nicely with DB principles.

Take care.

[sandycay]

Pearl,

FWIW~ I think you should go. Your young and if you don't like it...hey ~ chalk it up to a life experience. Just my two cents from an old lady!

[addie]

I think when it comes down to it that BF will move to be with me. He said before he would because it's what I wanted. I'm just not sure he will like living there. I'm much more of a city person than him. But ultimately I'm ok with that. IF being in SF is what will make me happy and BF is unhappy then I can live with that being a reason to split up. In Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay one of the criteria is how you envision your future lifestyle. We already can't agree on how we want to retire (small town v city) so SF will be a trial run.

Hi PH,

I can relate to your dilemma. You see, for a long time, H and I have not agreed on the type of lifestyle we want to live, now or in the future. This is a major issue. Twice I moved across the country for H, eventhough it was not the right decision for us emotionally, financially, etc. After giving up everything, I soon discovered H was still not happy and both times he had an A. Right now I know H is not happy living back in our hometown and he has mentioned us moving. I've made it very clear that he has to do what he feels he needs to do but that I will not move away again. After all that's happened between us, I accept the fact that this may cause the end of our M. PH, at this point in your R (after all that's happened), as long as you realistically prepare yourself for all possible outcomes and you can live with any consequences that may arise, you have to do what you feel you need to do. I would suggest that you discuss your job hunting plans with BF and seeing that he hasn't expressed any concerns since the last time you discussed moving, that you have assumed that he is in agreement with the move.

Good luck with your decision!

[pearlharbr]

Thanks for your input ladies!

Silver - I'll look for the update. Hopefully you got all of his crap out now! Major bummer, looks like I'm not making it to Atlanta. Going to Richmond, VA next week and BF is going to Orlando the following week. I'm passing on FL.

Sandy - I'm not *that* much younger than you! LOL. But I'm fine with going and if I don't love it as much as I did in the 90s then I'll go somewhere else. Back to the Emerald City is always an option but being that close to my family is not appealing.

Addie - I do think I'm fine with whatever happens R-wise after the move. I love BF but I know that I'd be fine without him. I've moved twice for his career to places I really didn't want to be. Now I know what I want and don't want in a place to live and I realize how important it is to me.

[talia]

Hi Pearl! Been missing you guys. You and I are on teh same page with this!! Full steam ahead- the right answer will bubble to the top in the process!!!!

Hugs

T

[pearlharbr]

Journal:

Maybe it's because I'm sick. Last night I just came to the realization that it's not going to work with BF. We have reverted to old behaviors and neither one of us is budging. We no longer have any R talks of any kind. I can feel that he's upset with me about things but will not speak up. I refuse to constantly be the one to start the dialog and always be the one to caretake the relationship. I know, something has to give. But I'm tired of giving. I'm just tired.

Things are comfortable. And stable. And nice. And I have gotten so used to being taken care of that I'm too lazy to get off my ass and take care of myself.

Reading newcomer stories make me incredibly sad. Knowing what's going on with mindfull upsets me and I feel insecure and doubtful and wonder why I ever gave this another chance. If I had just moved forward last year and not looked back like the MC recommended.

It's been a year of piecing. And I still don't know if this is what I want.

[MrBond]

IMHO, Sometimes it seems like you didn't make a decision the first time. I mean, I know you wanted the R to work, but it didn't sound like you were 100%. In a few of your posts, it did sound like you were understanding where he was coming from one week, then the next it was "I want to move and want to know if he's the one".

Originally when you plan to R, it's 100% all in. It just never seemed like you were consistently like that. There was always doubt, or you were setting him up to fail in that you had expectations and quite frankly, I don't think he would have been able to deliver.

Just my 2 cents.