You realize the first two fundamental truths - 1) You're not perfect, and 2) You can't control what another person chooses to do.
Okay, so here's another question... Are there core lessons that need to be learned by the LBS that is common to all of us? I understand that there will be different lessons depending on our individuality and families of origin, but are there fundamentals?
Lessons I have learned (or am in the process of learning):
~ That I can only control 3 things in life: My thoughts, My actions, My words
~ That others are responsible for their own choices and life paths. I may impact them by my choices, but I should not own or take on theirs as my own (if that makes any sense LOL)
~ That a relationship is not a merging of two people to completion, but two individuals intertwining *at points* to complement each other's life paths
~ That Boundaries are my protection for the inner me (the real me)
~ That when I react to something someone does or says it is a reflection of my ego reacting, not my inner self which knows ME and what is true and that I need to give the inner self time to communicate that to me
~ That happiness and security comes from within and is not dependant on my marital status or companion
~ That where I fear is usually the universe's pointer to something I need to work on in myself
~ That there is someone/thing higher than myself who communicates to (and guides me) through my inner self, if I allow myself to get quiet and still enough to listen
~ That to change a way someone is treating me if it is unacceptable, I must first change myself and my way of interacting with them
~ That if something I'm doing feels uncomfortable at the moment, it just may be a sign that I'm doing something right; comfortable = back in a rut
~ That feelings are transient and not fatal; it's the way you deal with them that matters
~ That what you need is available to you, when you truly need it, and if it seems absent you have to ask for it. If it doesn't appear, it means you have more work to do in order to have it come to you, or it may actually be a "want" not a need. (not sure if that makes sense)
Last edited by DiamondGirl; 03/30/1005:06 PM. Reason: made it legible!
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
I think a lot of the women LBS here in particular find they've been too controlling, and need to reflect on why they've felt that need, and how/what to let go--this includes how we treated our children and many other areas of our lives.
As you say, family of origin issues need to be explored; I needed to learn when I was reacting to something in my marriage/current life because a FOO insecurity/pattern was being triggered. Once I could recognize this, it stopped triggering me as much. Interestingly, my formerly-MLC H still hasn't entirely dealt with this, and sometimes gets over-reactive when people are angry because his mother would become violent when she was angry. In fact, most things on this list need to be learned by the MLCer as well--I guess learning these lessons is a part of truly "growing up."
Found this on another website and I will post it here.
In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty . . . in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning. And in our willingness to step into the unknown, the field of all possibilities, we surrender ourselves to the creative mind that orchestrates the dance of the universe.
The Law of Detachment
I will put the Law of Detachment into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps:
1. Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.
2. Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, order and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.
3. I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to an infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic and mystery of life.
...and to add to this list is the reassurance that you will NOT lose the love you have for your spouse when you reach total detachment.
Many times the fear of the LBS is such that if they leave the MLC'er alone, detaching from their drama, the love will disappear.
I promise, based on my own experience, that it does NOT kill the love; in fact, you must love them enough to let them go this way......detachment is necessary for your mental health.
As long as you cling to the MLC'er's drama, you'll suffer and your PMA will go down the tubes, leaving you desperate, needy, and quite possibly suicidal. The love you hold for your MLC'er will be harder to find within you, than it will be if you'll detach lovingly from the drama/antics of the MLC'er; recognizing the fact that you cannot fix them..they MUST fix themselves.
It all goes back to learning who has control...no one can control anything but themselves; the rest must be left in the hands of God.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.