Please help with WAW

[2blu]

Hello,

I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch, because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.

My sitch:

We both work in the same field. I work local in a traditional setting for my field in the evenings. W works for a equipment vendor for our work and is usually on the road through the week. I have changed jobs several times in the last 4 years trying new opprtunities some of which did not work for me. Over time communication has broken down and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live. I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us.

Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around. I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.

A few weeks later, I gave up some responsibilities at work and took a non-leadership position. I felt disappointed but relieved. I felt I could now take more time off with W and improve things. She was very hurt by what I had said and stopped nagging, started planning things with a friend or her mom without me. We were not communicating effectively. During the holidays I felt the bomb could come any day. I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years. She went out of town for work that Monday morning and told me to decide if I wanted the house or the money.

I felt OK at first, not held back, grass is greener, etc. Then this terrible sadness overcame me. I did not want to start over, hang out in bars, chase women etc. I wanted a better relationship with my W. To have a child with her soon, more time together, etc. I called her Tuesday stated my case that is was work situations and communication that got us here and it can fixed. She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb. She said she had to think about it. That Friday she came home and said we both need a new start and told me I should stay in the house for my job and relatives were near. She was going out of state to be with parents, until she knew where she wanted to move, (nothing for her here anymore).

For the few weekends she was packing things, arranging transfer of utiliies etc. She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.

Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her. She has been generally nice, except tmy above behavoirs would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.

She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be nonpushy. I did hug her bye.

I tried to call last Sunday and got voicemail. She called me back the next morning and we talked briefly. I told her the weekenends were especially hard, because that was our time. We raraely saw each other durung the week anyway.

I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.

Any advice? Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money? I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around. Shall I go ahead and make plans to refurnish the house? She took most the furniture to her parents' house.

Thanks.

[TeleDad]

She left you. Let her do the work on the refi. She wants the $ out of the house, she can pay for it! Stick up for yourself. Otherwise you are making this easy on her.

Have you read DB/DR? If not, get it and don't do anything until you finish reading them. Stay silent, stay strong, stay away. She came back to you for "a haircut". Let her do that a few times. Be scarce, be mysterious. She is in a new place, don't be her anchor. Let her see how it feels like to be on her own for a while.

It is counter-intuitive. It is not easy. Other folks will chime in who have lots of experience. I wish you luck.

[Wired]

2blu, Im just a bit ahead of you in my stitch. Im going to tell you right how you are going to hurt. Its going to one of the roughest things you have ever delt with, and if your lucky, you will get about 10 other things in your life that will go straight to hell. Seeems like the universe likes to kick us when we are down.

1.)See your doctor if you are feeling strong anxiety or depression. They can help and may even refer you to a therapist.
2.)Start reading through posts here on the board, I can almost bet you will find 1 or 2 that will seem like a mirror image to your situation and may find some insight and wisdom from them.
3.) When I was serving my apprenticship as a die maker an older die maker told me "Of all the things in life I have missed, this place wasnt one of them" He died 2 years before his retirement. For the love of god dont let your work sepertate your family. Many of us here have made that mistake.

Youve come to the right place to find many answers to the questions you will have and the roller coaster ride you are going to be on. But its up to you what you do with it from there.

[12bar]

2blu

Sorry you are here but you will get a lot of help from the folks on this forum.

IMHO, your W is moving very fast with your marital assets, taking the cash, asking for you to refi. If I were in your shoes, I would delay any major financial moves until you have a better understanding of your situation and better control over emotions. Make sure your interests are protected!

As far as you W leaving, I know it is a hard thing to consider but have you explored the possibilty of another person being in the picture? I do see a few red flags in your sitch. If there is, it will mean that your DB strategy will need to be different.

Give us a little more info and the vets will be around soon

[2blu]

Thanks for the quick replies. I will fill in some of the holes tonight. I have to go to work.

[Ready2Change]

...I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch,

I will do my best.

because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.....

I would strongly recommend memorizing this statement:

"What works is COUNTER-INTUITIVE."

...Over time communication has broken down...

New communication skills are needed. I strongly suggest looking for the boundaries thread, read it, and learn to set boundaries. They work.

and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live.

You have a choice on how you live your life. If these things were important to you before, make them important for YOU again. Do not involve WAS in the decision. Just do. Invite people over.

I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us

I found these words from "the four agreements" book series to be very wise:

"Do not put your happiness into someone else's hands."

I recommend going out and doing fun things. This is what GAL is all about.

Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around.

There is alot of insight here.

First, she asked if you love her. Most likely, you have not been SHOWING her that you love her. I suggest reading "The five love languages".

Second, she asked if you have a GF. This may be PROJECTING. She may have BF, and wants to justify her actions. You can do some investigation. Do a search on Puppy Dog Tails and read as many of his posts as you can.

I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.

That is completely normal.

We were not communicating effectively

Sounds like an area you can do work on to improve. The biggest part of communication I learned was to keep my mouth shut and listen. Validating is also important.

I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years.

Completely normal.

...She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb...

This is where the listening and validation comes in.

"Yes, I can see why you would believe that, but I do love you. Help me understand how I don't show you love"

And then Listen.....Listen Listen.....

She said she had to think about it

I would like to suggest that you should use this line alot. You can then come here, get input and then respond.

"You brought up some interesting points. I need time to think about them."

... She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.

Why would you let her do this? It is very important to stand up to her and not be pushed around. Stand up to her in a no threatening way.

Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her.

Is that working for you???????

She has been generally nice, except my above behaviors would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.

Stiring her emotions works. When she is indifferent, that is bad. Women live on feelings. Your focus is to make her FEEL different about you. Making positive changes to YOU is VERY IMPORTANT.

She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be non pushy. I did hug her bye.

Are these actions 180's for you?

... I told her the weekends were especially hard, because that was our time...

That kind of behavior sounds NEEDY. Women are not attracted to neediness. Project that you are having a great time.

I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.

I would not initiate contact. This is counter intutive. Would you raather push her farther away by pursuing, or have her miss you and wounder about you?

Any advice?

My advice was based off very little information on your sitch. It is important for you to read as much as you can here on this site. Each of us are different, but there are many patterns that repeat.

It doesn't sound like you are aware of an A, but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND being open to the idea that your W has interests in another person. Puppy Dog Tails is wise and it will be to your benefit to read as many of his posts as possible.

Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money?

Do you want to refi? Do you want the house? All I heard was "MY WIFE TOLD ME THIS AND THAT, SO I DID IT"........

I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around.

The only way she is going to turn around is if you stop pursing her, start moving away from her. Let me tell you a little story:

People want what they can't have and they do not want to be controlled. Do you want to know how I get my 7 year old daughter to spend more time with me? By pushing her away and walking away. It is human nature. She will chase me. Hold me. sit on me. As soon as I feel her "wanting to leave" I tell her to leave. Guess what? She stays. If I want her to leave, guess what works???? I hold her tight. Tell her to stay. What do you think she does as soon as she breaks free?
The dynamics between adults is no different. I see it here.

She took most the furniture to her parents' house.

go buy stuff you like. Enjoy shopping for it. If/when she wants to come back, she can worry about what to do with the stuff at her parents house....

[2blu]

OK, I am about halfway through DR, through the "taking stock" chapter. I have read Getting Back Together by Youngs and Goetz.

I understand I have displayed some clingy behavior that has made her very uncomfortable. But, if I act as if I'm having the time of my life, will she not think she was just in my way all along? Remember she doesn't feel loved by me right now. Also, we do not have children and she is six hours away. There will not be frequent interaction for her to see changes I make.

I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values. She disapproves of separated but not divorced people dating, even if the D is just a matter of time. She works a big region of the country and her parents would not tolerate an A at their house. Certainly she has opportunity for a fling on the road, but it is just not her.

I think the speed of things comes from her age, thinking of starting over quickly, biological clock, etc. Also she has a friend finalizing a D that has gotten very ugly about the property split. Also remember WAW's shut down and plan their exit long before the bomb. This has been months in the making IMO.

About the refi, the split is not that lopsided. She took most the money, I get most the equity. Because the equity is way more than the cash, I owe her some money. The mortgage is a 15 year. I cannot pay her and the mortgage the way it is. If I refi to a 30 year, I borrow enough to pay her out and lower the payment to within my means. I do not want to do it because I want her back here helping me pay it together. But, I do not want her to lawyer up and force a quick sell in this economy. If I do not get her back, I will probably sell the house later, because everything about it makes me think of her. Do I keep postponing the refi and push her away further, or cooperate and make it affordable while settling with her?

[2blu]

Um, being nice and nonpushy is not a 180 for me normally. I was trying to convey that I was upbeat and friendly but no ILY, pining, talking about the M or S, etc.

[Ready2Change]

Here is a phrase "I do not want a D, but if that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way".

If the Refi helps protect you, go for it. Lower payments are good. You can always make higher payments to the 30 if needed....

[2blu]

So, you see what I mean. Is going with the refi and settling her out enabling her to proceed further, or is not doing it making me look dependent, inactive, clingy, procrastinating. I am not naturally clingy, just between the bomb and the S. I can be lazy and procrastinating, traits that she is well aware of and resentful of right now.