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I'd like to hear that too.


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Originally Posted By: Kimmie Lee


Or, they play bass in a band. Those guys can get away with being hideous too.


I used to play bass in a band. Does that mean I can start to let myself go a bit laugh


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Originally Posted By: DanceQueen


And then finally, the final test that comes along is this one:

*Ability to put him in his place when necessary*

This one is a hard one to pass, because it means exactly what it says...WHEN NECESSARY. Knowing when a man NEEDS to be put in his place is hard. They test us, just like we test them. And they will test to see if we will put them in their place when NECESSARY, or just "whenever". A woman who wants to nag or bitch or control or change a man, is trying to put him under her thumb. This is totally different. This is not "when necessary". When necessary means literally, sometimes it is necessary for a man to know that he cannot get away with certain behavior in a relationship. Its sort of like being a very good boss or manager to a man. A man will respect his boss if he or she is good, and he will allow that boss to put him in his place, and then he will respect him/her all the more. A man will understand that he did something out of line and allow (even welcome) an authority putting him in his place when he needs it. Men don't hold a grudge about this when it is necessary and when it is done with authority and respectfully. So it is within a relationship with a strong man and a strong woman, she must be able to put him in his place when necessary, in a way that doesn't lose his respect. Its a tough thing to do, but when you really do it correctly, it makes a man go gaga for you.

And of course, I could talk about the same attraction women have for a strong man who can put her in her place too....but I've already talked a lot about that in the SSM forum. :0)

Cheers!

DQ


I would tell all the women here to take note of this one. This is big. Before I married my W I literally told her - "Don't take any of my [censored]. If I give you [censored], stand up and call me on it."

Why did I tell her this? Because I knew I was going to give her [censored] and push boundaries. Inside I also knew she was a people pleaser - when I say inside I mean not sitting her in my conscious mind.

I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.

But I did pull some [censored] with her. No A or anything like that, just got complacent, got my values a bit scrambled, she saw it, but she never stood up. Maybe said something here or there but she allowed me to run right past it. I wish she would have tackled me and smacked the crap out of me, even give me a good shot in the b@lls.

I know it sounds backa$$wards, but it's true.


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How do you want to be called on that? Could you give an example?

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Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
How do you want to be called on that? Could you give an example?


yes, tell us the HOW.


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Quote:
My experience is that I only want her to be willing to need me WHEN I already want her to like me.


I have to ask this,

What is it with married woman and the flirting and the touching and the eye contact, text messaging, and the sexual ineundoes? Are there that many men not sexually satisflying their wives? Are they just looking for attention? Is there truth to the seven year itch?

I'm serious. I went to a dinner party last night and I felt like a co-star on desperate housewives. I have known some of these people awhile others for just a short time. Always act upstanding; maybe a little generous with my flirtatous comments, but I never imagined being hit on so often in my "middle age" by my "friends" wives. Come on girl, you're married and I never saw you have a hard time standing in those high heels before and I ain't no movie star.

Now, I am not entirely clueless nor innocent. And stupid idiot that I am actually asked "what are you in need of." Whoa, did I find out. Try to make you hate me and I can easily make you mine. When I realized where this was going and talked myself out of this conversation, later when found myself talking with someother woman the little catty remarks that were exchanged later between the two were almost as if this was a high school party. I honestly, think their husbands were clueless or maybe just self-absorbed and I'm standing there with a drink in each hand like trouble.

Venus on Fire when their Men are on Ice.

I'm not harping my confidence, "know yourself," act like a stud and date advice, but if they were single I'd be a little less confused.

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Quote:
I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.


I believe her reason for being angry went right over your head.
I doubt she was mad because you weren't enabling her. Usually it is because she was telling you she was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because she had so much to do and you were trying to tell her what to do.

You should have said something like this..

"Wow honey, I know you have a lot going on and probably feel pulled in all directions. How about I take you out to eat tonight and I will clean the house for the next few weeks and let me know if there is anyting else I can do to help ease your load."

Do you realize that she may have then said.." I know I should just say no sometimes, but I always take on more than I can chew"

Sometimes the woman is just wanting to talk about all the things she has going on and once she has talked about it and felt heard, she gets centered again.






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wholeagain and dudess...I highly recommend that you read Why Men Love Bitches. It will totally explain the "how". It is very hard to explain it without getting everyone's feathers ruffled around here.

But basically, as I said in my example, be like a manager. A manager has authority and can and will fire you for insubordination. He or she knows this at all times and therefore isn't insecure about his/her position. YOU must be insecure of YOUR position, instead. So part of the "how" is how you feel about your position. If you don't feel secure in it, if you don't feel you can/would kick him to the curb for insuborinate behavior, then he will not respect your authority. So please lets not get into a debate about how some managers are jerks and blah blah blah...just think of a good manager whom everyone respects. If that manager takes you aside for a talking to, you are nervous and you really do want to change things for the better afterwards....you want her or him to respect you again. There is nothing different between a manager and a real person, it is all about the level of respect they have from us. So you earn your man's respect over time by your acting with authority.

Here is just one quick example:

You go to dinner with your man.

He turns his head to look at the waitress.

You say "sorry dear, but I won't be disrespected like that. You don't take your eyes off of me when we're on a date together, got it?"

He says "what? Chill out! I didn't do nuttin'."

You say "and now don't further disrespect me by pretending it didn't happen. Every other man in this restaurant has his eyes on ME, so you better get them on ME, too."

He may grumble and act like he is in trouble for no reason. You smile and change the subject. Guarantee you that he will respect you for more doing this than if you had sulked about it later. Some women may not care if their man looks at the waitress, but a man will not respect that woman as much. This whole example won't work if you are simply jealous, versus demanding that he RESPECT you.

I hope that is a decent example, but please do read the Bitch book. Don't let the title scare you off. It is full of great advice.

DQ

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Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
Quote:
I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.


I believe her reason for being angry went right over your head.
I doubt she was mad because you weren't enabling her. Usually it is because she was telling you she was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because she had so much to do and you were trying to tell her what to do.

You should have said something like this..

"Wow honey, I know you have a lot going on and probably feel pulled in all directions. How about I take you out to eat tonight and I will clean the house for the next few weeks and let me know if there is anyting else I can do to help ease your load."

Do you realize that she may have then said.." I know I should just say no sometimes, but I always take on more than I can chew"

Sometimes the woman is just wanting to talk about all the things she has going on and once she has talked about it and felt heard, she gets centered again.


Actually I need to explain more of the context. This was early on in our R and it was more of an example of her people pleasing rather than an example of me needing to be called out.

We came out of a very unique and stressful situation and we were living at my sister's house. My S and her H went to Hawaii for two weeks and my W and I watched their two kids. I watched my W over extend herself entertaining the kids, who could self entertain for periods of time. My W kept giving them attention without taking a break. I would talk to her and tell her they are fine if they are left to be on their own once in a while.

I've been known as super playmate to these kids. I mean to the extreme. But I also know when to take a break and recharge my batteries. My W didn't know how to do this. And because she was getting tired, she wanted me to fill in for her, but I could see it wasn't needed. This is where some of the tension came in.

It was a self imposed load created by her and resented by her. It's like the person who is doing so much for so many people and getting burned out complaining about how everyone expects her to do everything - when the truth is she doesn't know how to say no and the situation is really her own creation.

Hope that clears it up a bit.


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When my W said she thought we should go to M counseling years ago, and I said, "We don't need that." She didn't press the issue.

Calling me on my [I'll censor it for you] - "It's fine you don't think we don't need it. I think we do. So if you want this relationship to continue on you will join me in counseling. Even if you don't, I will go myself. I'm not happy and I refuse to stay in this position at all."


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Want a D- 01/09
Physical Sep-01/10
D filed-06/10
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Ride that wave!
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