My Story

[FindingMyVoice]

(((Wired)))

I'm so sorry to hear what you're saying Wired. It is hard to be vulnerable, and express your feelings. Keep trying. The fact that you're aware you want to is a really good start! Don't minimize the importance of that!

Just take baby steps. Perhaps you're expecting too big of a 'leap' out of yourself. You don't have to make any big grand gesture, just find something little to do that you feel is manageable. It might feel pretty awkward at first but don't let that stop you! It actually means more to the person receiving it, when they know you're doing it even though it's difficult for you.

Could you write your kids little notes and stick them in their coat pocket? It doesn't have to say anything fancy... even just 'hey, I love you a lot'. I bet that would mean a lot to them and maybe open a door between you.

[Wired]

Yesterday was a rough one. My wifes birthday and the card I mentioned before. I walk into the tomb (house) and its laying on the kitchen table like it ment nothing to her. I was totally exhausted from a 14 hour shift so I laid down to take a nap.
When I woke up went to the fridge to get a drink and noticed they had ordered chinese without asking if I wanted anything.
So in my demented mood Im thinking OK she doesnt want me to be a part of her birthday.

Well a bit later her and the kids came downstairs and she asks if I want some cake, so we do the normal lighting of the candles and sing HB and dig into the cake, during which she says thank you for the card and the iTunes certificate I put in there.

Then everyone disappears back upstairs. This hit me really hard, I miss this woman so badly and I would give everything to just hold her like I used to. But I cannot at this time seem to break from this shell that is keeping me locked up inside myself.

But I do see a glimmer of hope and I am holding on to it. I have been doing my 180's and starting to GAL with some old hobbies and have not lost my temper in weeks. And the thank you I got was the first kind words she had said in over 2 weeks. She has also not brought up the subject of D or S or even contacted her lawyer in over a month. So either she sees hope or she is just planning on dropping a bomb on me. The uncertainty of it all is the worst part I think. Should I approach her about it or let a sleeping dog sleep?

@Prairie
Thank you for the kind words, and as far as the suggestion, the day I can break through this shell I will try little things like that. When this first all started happening I had a long talk with my two youngest and let them know how much I love them, but my oldest daughter I have not been able to approach as she is so much like her mother and has closed down to me.(So it seems)
But I keep trying.

[FindingMyVoice]

But I cannot at this time seem to break from this shell that is keeping me locked up inside myself.

You've talked about that shell a number of times, Wired, and I think you mentioned it might be a self-defense mechanism again pain. Pardon me if I'm being too personal, but has that shell always been there? If not, when do you think it started? What kinds of pain are you trying to protect yourself from, and is it working? (If those questions are dumb, please just ignore me!) Shells are a pain in the keester aren't they. In one way, they protect you from pain; in another, they cause it.

PS Has anyone told you how well you write!? Your posts in my thread always choke me up. I hope you're keeping a journal. You seem to share your thoughts and feelings so well in writing. If you can't share them with others, at least writing them out may help you find a release. (I'm sorry I don't mean to be pushy with suggestions... there's just this quality to your writing that I'm always so struck by.) I hope it's helping you process all those emotions and that you continue.

[FindingMyVoice]

Oh one more question!! You said that when this first started, you had a long talk with your two youngest to let them know how much you loved them... how did that turn out? How did they respond?

[Marked&Healed]

Good job spending time with the kids. I see they're older... but they still need their daddy. Think of it from their POV - they may also be afraid to trust and hope in you, but you'll always be their dad. That can't change. Keep trying, put them first, let them know in little ways - sometimes words don't matter when the actions have been lacking for so long.

Bonus is that you'll be healing your relationships with them, they'll be happier, and W will see your efforts... you did say that she makes them her whole world, so hey, making them yours doesn't have any downsides. Just remember to keep working on you. Glad to see you a bit more up, although the roller coaster will continue for some time. When you're dark and down, just remember that the up will be coming soon.

[Wired]

@ Prairie
This forum is somewhat of my journal. I tried one at home for awhile and found myself beating myself up to the point I trashed the whole thing. Of course that was in the first week of my stitch so I should try it again.
As far as the "shell" Let me fill you in on a little background.When I was younger I was fairly chuncky little kid, not good in sports/gym class and always missed out on all the reindeer games. Well as I grew older I slimmed down a bit but fell into the wrong crowd of kids, they called us stoners back then. Of course they excepted me because I always seemed to have the best stuff. After awhile I began to see through this charade and another layer got added to my wall.

The clincher came in around when I was 18 years old and "thought" I had found my true love. (First real love) well needless to say I found out she slept with my best friend so I went to pick her up from work. When I got there she was outside crying and visibly upset, thats when she laid it on me that she had been raped walking to her car to get her change of clothes.
My whole world fell apart, I took her to her parents house and the look on her dads face at me like "This is all your fault".
So I did something very stupid, went home grabbed one of my pistols and went to the place that she had said she had seen him earlier. Unfortunately(fortunately?) the police had arrived first and where cornering the guy as I was walking up to him pulling my pistol out of my gym bag. One of the officers seen me so I get to ride down to the station right next to the guy that had just raped the love of my life. Well he gets off scot free and

[Wired]

wooops hit submit button to early this is continued from above

I have to do 90 days for carrying a concealed weapon(they lessoned the charge due to the circumstances.)
And of course the story doesnt have a happy ending, she dumps me and my life spirals downwards.
I became a true man whore, hanging out in bars, doing as much drugs as I could lay my hands on and in and out of some really bad relationships and sleeping with any drunk girl I could find when the lights came up at last call.
Until I met my wife. Something in here was different, hell I even refused to have sex with her for the first few months of us dating as I didnt want it to be "just another lay.
So I started cleaning my act up, quit the drugs and alcohol for the most part, not enough tho as I look back. And I chased this woman. Only problem is she was busy chasing the kids. So we went around in circles. I think this is why I never truly got rid of this shell as I never recieved the love from her that I needed at the time. And over the years I think I forgot how to love and just did what any other working dad would do, go to work, bring home money, and pretend all was fine.

So here I am now. Trying to make up for 18 years of not being the true loving dad I should have been. But even to this day I still have the images of the past haunting me that I need to get rid of.

As far as the talk with the children,that went better then could be hoped for. Im not sure what their mother is feeding them during the day, but I truly believe at least 2 of them know I love them and I am trying to get better.

So continues the saga. I think my stitch has gotten up to 100 posts, maybe time to start a new one.

[Wired]

Quick question due to something popping up on my phone bill.
Can anyone recomend a reverse lookup service that works with cell phones and isnt a scam?
My entire stitch may be getting ready to change.

[JacT]

I am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people. She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team alift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since. He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind. Any views.Thanks for listening

[Wired]

JaCT,
Im sorry to see you here but glad you came seeking help. Many pros here with great advice. But you may want to put this into your own stitch as it helps keep track of what is going on with your life.
My thoughts differ from many here as far as affairs go, I say dump the bum, hire a lawyer and take him for every penny you can.
And I would say this to either man or woman. Once the sex act comes into the picture then it is over in my book. But that is just me.
Have your read DR/DB yet? If not you need to. I would also recomend seeing your doctor and a therapist if possible. At least your doctor cause they can give you some really nice meds that help you remain calm and keep your thoughts collected.
They wont write a prescription for a couple of joints and some twinkies, I tried that.
I hope you find what you are looking for here.
-Mike