Will I ever be forgiven???

[AtTheEnd?]

dday,

Did the TALK come out of nowhere for you? Did you see a progression? Was the work she was doing (contemplation) completely hidden from you? Any signs at all?

[dday101798]

I didn't really see anything at all. From July/August through November we weren't speaking aside from issues pertaining to the kids and that was only at my pick/up and drop off times. I wouldn't look at her when I handed her "her check", nothing.

Therefor, the roles were reversed and she became the LBS.

Yes, the "TALK" came out of no-where. Again, the same sort of talk from her, "I want us to be friends", "I don't want you completely out of my life", "I miss you", all that stuff came around every 4 months since she left July of 2008. BUT, it was this time when I said as I always have, "I REFUSE to be friends with my W, XW, who is with someone else". But, unlike the other times, this time I could believe her when I didn't have to. This time the rules changed. This time, we weren't trying to prevent a divorce. And this time, there wasn't OM for her to be going back home to when the conversation was over.

[AtTheEnd?]

Not really sure what to think of my sitch. My WAS doesn't have someone else. There's no other reason to not be with me, other than she doesn't want to. She doesn't want it to work, or well she says her feelings haven't changed towards me. She doesn't have an attraction for me, and the thought of being intimate with me makes her physically ill. She said these things six weeks ago, and well, what else can I do? I can't make her feelings change.

[dday101798]

Here is my post from the day after the "initial talk"

Ladies and Gentlemen, where do I start?

First of all, I'd love to say, by closing this thread down and moving to "Piecing", yep, it's that good.

I just spent the entire afternoon with my boys and XW, and it was wonderful. Thanksgiving in it'self, well, the begining. The emotions started pouring in from XW's front, and well, they ARE real. She wanted to come to dinner and I thought that not right at the time, plus my family is not ready for that.

XW called me the night before from "our" house. "missed me" and all that jazz. Long story short, we were both skiddish about the whole ordeal. I had a up and down time, emotional half the time.

I had to drop the boys off at "our house" the next day, that was brutal. got over it.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go out on a date, but was tired from moving stuff around in preperation for my cousin's kid moving back here, and emotionally drained from XW's comments the day prior. I extended the offer to go out, her and I for a sit down, she declined sighting stuff on her end.

Today, i got a string of messages from her wanting to talk. I finally did, and it went VERY well. We are both of thinking that this (D) was NOT the answer. And long story short, I miss her, she misses me, I extended the offer to dinner yet again, and SHE ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!

We went to dinner, for the first time as a group in 14 months. I spent quite a bit of doe, but every chance we had with the kids off playing games or something, XW and I talked. I got the chance to read her, hard, right into her eyes, and she knew it, she felt it and returned it. IT'S STILL THERE! I even got the chance to hold her hand over the table, when she got fogged and pull her out! We then took the boys for ice cream and the I dropped them off.

At that point she even extended the offer to come in. Being her father and I have some SERIOUS issues and the fact that OM lived there for so long, I declined. But we did have a beer in the back yard and made small talk.

At the end of it all, we hugged, for the first time in almost year, and it felt so good. I directly went for the back of her hair (as always) and she was fine with it (that and she had 3 inch heal on that made her tower over me ) I think that really confused the kids, but all is well, extrememly well on this front.

What do I do now? I don't want to be pushy. She went into today knowing by my own admission, I am stil emotionally attached, and she confirmed, she is too. And well, I saw it, you all know the look from your other that DOES NOT lie.


Heh, we even played this crossword video game at the bar where we ate. As a group. We scored 6th highest on the record, signed "the wrights".

I'll give it a few more inter actions before moving my story, but it all looks REALLY good from here. I texted XW (btw, she says she's never referred to me as anything other than her H ), that the boys seemed to ahve a good time and I did too. She replied she did as well

[dday101798]

I can't make her feelings change.

YES YOU CAN

[AtTheEnd?]

I think her exact words were something to the effect of "after all the dust has settled, my feelings haven't changed. The thought of touching you makes me physically ill." There was even a period when she was angry that she couldn't even look at me. The upsetting thing is when this hit, she sort of tried, but the more she talked to the OM, she became angrier and angrier. She just went ballistic, until for some reason they stopped talking, or at least not as frequently. I don't know what she does. I'm out of the house, she has her own cell phone, and I don't really have much contact.

[dday101798]

Don't fret.

Your questions prompted me to revisit some of my older threads when I was in your position and felt the same way.

And then, (x)W was 6 of one, half dozen of the other, one day wanting to be friends, ever so sorry, BUT I repulsed her, there was too much damage done, blah, blah, blah.

And my (x)W did the very same things, not too worry.

[AtTheEnd?]

That's very reassuring dday, hopefully I'll have a similar outcome (only without the D would be preferred). My WAS has said the exact same things.

[musclegal]

Its confusing as to who is the WAS and who is the LBS, but I think that being sorry involves a change in behavior. If the WAS continues with the OP, then actually, the only thing you can take away from that is that they wouldn't do it DIFFERENTLY. Meaning, that if they had it to do all over again, they would still have the A. After all, they are so "happy" and so "in love". I think that's why a sorry feels insincere. But, anyway, I do agree that the LBS has to get to forgiveness...and that it takes 2 to tango, but even though I, too, was unhappy in my marriage, I would NEVER have had an affair. A mature person, if unhappy, works on the marriage and tries to fix it first. If it doesn't work, they both move on...that's OK. But the A puts the LBS at such a disadvantage that it can't be fixed. Like DDay has experienced, when the A ends, maybe a sorry can be heartfelt and maybe even the two can move forward. Before then, the question is would the WAS do anything differently? My guess is, the answer is 'no'. So, sorry Charlie feels kind of like that...

[sandi2]

I would NEVER have had an affair.

I use to say things like that, too. Perhaps I was a bit pious.

A mature person, if unhappy, works on the marriage and tries to fix it first.

Maturity (or lack of it) doesn't have that much to do having an affair. True, immaturity certainly doesn't help in M problems......but having a lot of maturity does not protect or necessarily prevent a person from getting into a situation that is very wrong. Mature people commit sin every day of their life.

I was a mature woman and was what most people would consider very grounded.....solid.....Church going....person. Never, ever, in a million & one years would I have ever believed I would get emotionally involved with a man who was not my H. I would have been furious if anyone had suggested that I might ever be so "human" to do that.

But things can happen to a person. A lot of things can happen that effects one's mental & emotional state until it can surprise even themselves. One day you look in the mirror and wonder who that is and what happened to who you use to be.

No longer do I say that I would never be guilty of doing this or that b/c I have learned that I am ever so mortal with many faults and failures in my life. Yes, I am mature but I am still learning.....and hopefully growing into until the day I die.

My words here are not meant to sound harsh in any way to any person. My heart breaks as I remember when I could once say the words, "I would never have an affair".

Protect yourself and don't ever let your guard down and think you are not vernable. Take care.....always.