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A Message from Michele
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WAW, 11th hour, wants H back #1961075
03/18/10 05:43 AM
03/18/10 05:43 AM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
J
Jasmine Offline OP
Member
Jasmine  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
I don’t know where to begin. Jan 10th, 2009…I walked away. Packed it all up, H came home and I told him I was leaving him. He had no idea things were wrong even though the last three – five years I told him things were not right. I told him November 2008 that I was looking for my own apartment and hoped to be out on my own January 2009. He didn’t believe me or hear me or wanted to comprehend. My brother ended up passing away December 2008 so much more added stress which took me out of state to tend to funeral and what not.

The 3-5 years prior I had gained a lot of weight. Our marriage was based on common interests and activity. The verbal abuse of my weight gain and the nagging became tiresome. I had even resorted to triathlons to drop the weight to no avail. I became the pre-WAW, withdrew, started putting money away so I could leave. During this time I did not know at the time, but I was having an EA which then turned into a PA in Sept 08, which I am currently in and starting to come out of the fog.

In the past year I have filed for D in June, lived with OM and H. Back and forth. The last time I moved back to H, he was doing the groveling, begging and telling me he loved me, all common things NOT to do. I was back in the “night mare” and decided it was time to get out of all this. Last Friday was mediation day to “settle”. SHIAT, too easy. D is just too damned EASY. I feel I have put 110% into marriage with a self centered person. I TOLD him things were not going well. I TOLD him we needed counseling. I TOLD him if he didn’t pay attention to his wife, she would be gone. I TOLD him if he told me one more time if “you don’t like it you can leave” that I WOULD leave. I NEVER nagged, that I know of. Maybe I should have. He told me he has changed. He wanted to show me. He wanted me to give it an honest shot. I just couldn’t with all the “whining and groveling” he was doing. I’ve been in IC most of my married life trying to figure out what my problem was. Why wasn’t my marriage working out? My fault? Why do I truly feel that I haven’t done everything I could possibly do to save my marriage? Even though I DID the work? I went to the IC. I read the self help books on trying to save the marriage. WTF??

At the time I made my decision to leave my H, I had gotten WLS (weight loss surgery). OM was telling my how wonderful I was and beautiful I was w/o the surgery. Even tried to talk me out of the surgery. GEE who am I going to turn to? The H that has conditions on the marriage or the OM that is full of compliments no matter what?

What brought me here? I was at a bookstore looking for a book on how to deal with the emotion of a divorce. What was next to that book I wanted? DR! I picked up DR and found the section on a WAW and just started BAWLING my eyes out and that has brought me to this forum.

There is NO OTHER person that I will find that will have the same common interests, activities, views on life, etc.

As it stands, I am living in another state with OM. I had no where else to go because H shut all credit cards off and closed checking accounts and wasn’t giving me spousal support. He wouldn’t give me any money till we saw the mediator and it was all in writing. (FORCED me to live with OM for I have NO family or friends in the area) If I ordered spousal support through the court that put us into litigation instead of mediation. All that’s left for D to be final is to get a listing of the assets, VIN #’s on vehicles, check to the mediator and our judgment will be typed up for us to sign and for it to go to the judge.

How do I work through all this? How do I get my H to give me one more shot? I will be calling for phone coaching.


Me: WAW/MLC 41
H: 42
M: 16 yr T: 20
Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008
D: Anytime, just need to sign papers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Re: WAW, 11th hour, wants H back [Re: Jasmine] #1961138
03/18/10 11:52 AM
03/18/10 11:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,015
Massachusetts
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rottzilla Offline
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rottzilla  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,015
Massachusetts
Wow, different side of the story there, isn't it? Your story will be very valuable and bring hope to many on this board, thank you for coming.

First of all, it's apparent that you do not want the M to end. You must be aware of some things about H that you find worthwhile. Why don't you start by listing those? I find lists helpful. Next, set goals, discover what you want out of life and your M, and you'll have a clear, defined path to begin working towards those goals. Let us know if you need help goal setting.

How far away are you from DH? Can you go back home? The phone coaching will help you for sure, at least by giving you hope. Is DH ready for D or does he still want to work through things?

My H also values appearances and I've gained weight. It seems the more he finds me unattractive the more I eat. It's a horrible feeling, so I totally know where you're coming from. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just how he's wired. My H never says anything to me about my weight, and I kind of wish he had before it got out of control. I was where I am before he said anything... so you're lucky in that respect that he's honest with you.

Start by listing your goals and letting us know a bit more about where your H's head is right now.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...445#Post1956445
Re: WAW, 11th hour, wants H back [Re: Jasmine] #1961166
03/18/10 12:59 PM
03/18/10 12:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
England, UK
S
saffie Offline
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saffie  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,274
England, UK
When exactly was the last time your husband told you he wanted to still be with you?

Has he now come to terms with a D and moved on?

Is he dating?

It is obvious that if you were to get back together you need to do some serious work on getting the balance right in the R.

If you are finished with OM and your H seems to want to work on your M, why don't you give the Retrouvaille weekend a go. There is a thread on it in the piecing forum on these boards.

You might also get some good advice if you also post in the WAW section of the forums.


Saffie
me 46
H 46
M in 1986
D20,D18,S16,D13
H's A 01/05 to 07/06
H recommitted to M 07/06
renewed vows 09/06
Going from strength to strength
Re: WAW, 11th hour, wants H back [Re: rottzilla] #1961255
03/18/10 02:21 PM
03/18/10 02:21 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
J
Jasmine Offline OP
Member
Jasmine  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 57
Originally Posted By: rottzilla

How far away are you from DH? Can you go back home? The phone coaching will help you for sure, at least by giving you hope. Is DH ready for D or does he still want to work through things?


I live 5 hours away from H. I am pretty sure I can go back home and live in the 2nd bedroom. H does NOT want the D. He told me so the day of mediation.

Quote:
My H also values appearances and I've gained weight. It seems the more he finds me unattractive the more I eat. It's a horrible feeling, so I totally know where you're coming from. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just how he's wired. My H never says anything to me about my weight, and I kind of wish he had before it got out of control. I was where I am before he said anything... so you're lucky in that respect that he's honest with you.
I go over it and over it in my head. Is he shallow? He kept telling all he cared about was my health. He didn't want to see me have health issues. Plus, I wasn't able to do ANYTHING we used to do together. Bike ride, hike, etc.

Quote:
Start by listing your goals and letting us know a bit more about where your H's head is right now.


I truly believe he wants to work this out. I truly believe if I sent this book to him he would consider working on things but is that being too pushy? I KNOW he would go to IC, MC a couples retreat. Our anniversary is next month. Maybe the first and second alimony payments he gave me will be saved up for the retreat.

I will definitely work on the goals. I will stay in the Newbie forum for now as the WAW section doesn't seem to get a whole lot of activity.

Thank you!


Me: WAW/MLC 41
H: 42
M: 16 yr T: 20
Me: EA/PA started Sept 2008
D: Anytime, just need to sign papers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1968939&page=1
Re: WAW, 11th hour, wants H back [Re: Jasmine] #1961413
03/18/10 04:34 PM
03/18/10 04:34 PM
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 234
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wanttobebetter Offline
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wanttobebetter  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 234
You have to end the relationship with the OM before you contact your husband. You have to make that first step. That will go a long way with your husband accepting you again.


M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4

Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Re: WAW, 11th hour, wants H back [Re: wanttobebetter] #1961625
03/18/10 07:21 PM
03/18/10 07:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,478
K
Kimmie Lee Offline
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Kimmie Lee  Offline
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K
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,478
How do you get your h to give you one more shot? Didn't you just tell us that he doesn't want a D?

This jumped out at me:

At the time I made my decision to leave my H, I had gotten WLS (weight loss surgery). OM was telling my how wonderful I was and beautiful I was w/o the surgery. Even tried to talk me out of the surgery. GEE who am I going to turn to? The H that has conditions on the marriage or the OM that is full of compliments no matter what?

I would be very careful though. I don't believe for one second that your h is only worried about your health. All of a sudden he doesn't care about your appearance? Uh-uh. I don't believe that for one second....No one goes from constant nagging and verbal abuse about an issue to being totally cool with it.

I think that if you end your A and go back, he could be a good boy for awhile, but your weight issues will still cause resentment.

Last edited by Kimmie Lee; 03/18/10 07:25 PM.

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