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#1953478 03/07/10 11:16 PM
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Okay, I've probably screwed up more than most people. Last time I posted, people were helpful, but not in the ways I needed them to be. I returned to the crying, begging, pleading person I was in the beginning.

A short recap, I've been divorced since January, just got the final papers. Ex probably hates me at this point, as I've ruined everything over and over again. We have one son together (5), we were married for 4 years, and we're both very young: 25 and 26. My friends are trying to be supportive, but I'm never very clear about what I want and my anger from the relationship has definitely made them question my decisions (rebound relationships and switching to DBing, and back). Ugh, I am/was a mess!

Okay, fast forward to now: I just decided that I'm going to make one last shot at this before throwing in the towel. I'm shaky on my own two feet, so I could use some encouragement. I've backslid all the way back to the beginning, so I'll be journaling here for anyone who possibly wants to help me along my way.

Some positive signs from today's conversation:
*He was finally honest about the demise of our relationship and his conflicting feelings for another woman.
*He is happy that our relationship is heading in a friendly direction "for the sake of our son". (Not for long, read my goals next)

That's pretty much it that I can remember for now. After our conversation today, and realizing I was begging for him to come back yet again (Doh!), I knew I needed to start over and get a grip. I've been too sad and too depressed for too long. And while I was making a lot of progress, I was also backsliding pretty hard.

So, for the next several weeks, I am doing no contact. I will not speak to him and I did the hardest thing I can think of to do - I put his number on my blocked list on my cell phone. He can still call, but it will go straight to voicemail, and I will only see that he has called. I will not answer the phone for at least two weeks, though I know several sources recommend a month or longer for NC. If he has a question or concern about Travis I will wait and call him back and deal directly with that issue rather than having any of our friendly chats we've been having lately. He doesn't miss me (yet), and I have to give him time to have something to miss.

This is hardest because we exchange our son every Tuesday and Wednesday night in addition to every other weekend. So I've enlisted the help of some close friends to keep busy and I'm trying to enlist the help of others in the same situation here for some encouragement. I feel strong today, but we all know how quickly that can drop.

I will allow him to initiate any contact. That's it for now, the only goal I have to achieve. It's all about baby steps. And resisting the urge to call or text is going to be hard for me, so wish me luck!

I miss him terribly, and firmly believe that every relationship is just a repeat of every other relationship you have, the ups are simply different scenarios as well as the downs. But nothing beats having your family together and happy. And that's my ultimate goal, to restore my family.

Thanks for reading, your good thoughts, and your prayers!


Me: 26
Ex: 27
Son: 5

Divorced: 3/2010
Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
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Posts: 188
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It's only been about an hour and I'm already struggling. Kind of makes me wish it was this hard on his end. Maybe it is. It's not my right to know that.

So I'm supposed to recieve alimony and haven't yet. He thought it was supposed to be automatically removed from his check and sent to me. How do I check that out? Can I call the court and ask? And if not, I suppose my only option is to hire a lawyer to collect or ask him for it directly - which would be against the whole NC thing I'm trying to do?

I'm not money hungry... I was just counting on that for school - which is what he agreed to pay it to me for in the first place. Or maybe I am money hungry, but I don't want to be rude about it.


Me: 26
Ex: 27
Son: 5

Divorced: 3/2010
Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 310
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((Cautious))

Thanks for visiting my thread. Left a question there for you.

I want you to know that I am doing the same thing with my X. Being grey. I am kind and curteous to her but I will not call her unless she calls me first.

It is usually hard for me to see her or even talk to her because all those emotions come back. Especially when we are face to face. I have to show a PMA up front while holding back the urge to hold her and tell her how I feel and that I miss her.

To protect myself and to not put pressure on her I try to emotionally detach from her. Very hard to do but Im getting better. I do this by convincing myself that she is never coming back (which is most likely the case) and that we could both be happy in time by ourselves.

She usually only calls when she needs something but she does offer me dinner or lunch so I chalk it up to doing a friend a favor. And this way she can see my 180s.

Not familiar with alimony but his workplace would need something to start the deductions so they and your H should know. If he doesnt know then I hate to say it but it sounds like he didnt do what he was supposed to do or he is playing dumb. Hope Im wrong.

Forgive me if I am out of line with that.


Me:48
W:55
M:22
T:23
Bomb:19Nov09
S:15Jan10
D:11Feb10
EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10
Fast track to her divorcing me
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Hmmm, the way I see going dark/going grey/NC, it's an effort to make them miss you and let them know you're not going to just be there for the taking. By agreeing to these lunches and dinners, it seems like you're allowing her to be connected with you for as long as she likes, just to drop you when you become inconvienient. Are you setting a time limit? It's best to not stay for longer than 1/2 an hour or so and to line something up directly after so you're more inclined to leave. Or simply leave when you're having a great time (leave them wanting more). I know I can say all this stuff, but I've failed repeatedly at all of this in the past as well. Pretty much everything here is easier said than done and part of the reason I've failed so many times is because I couldn't seriously commit myself to the hard work involved.

I really don't have any advice for calming emotions. I know I've certainly let my emotions get the best of me in face-to-face interactions. So I'm finding things to reward myself with when I'm doing well, and trying to find support and encouragement from friends when I fail.


Me: 26
Ex: 27
Son: 5

Divorced: 3/2010
Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 188
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Today's Goals:
1. Do not call X. (Also, no texting and ignore unimportant X calls) Reward: Evening with good friends
2. Organize paperwork that seems to be EATING my house! Reward: TBD
3. Practice guitar for one hour. Being able to complete lessons and play like a pro is it's own reward.

Status report to be posted later this evening.


Me: 26
Ex: 27
Son: 5

Divorced: 3/2010
Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,073
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Cautious- thanks for stopping by my thread as well.

Good for you for the goals- lookng forward to you update later.

I agree that NC is SOO difficult- I can con myself into thinking of a dozen reasons to contact W- but I post here, and remember I literally have nothing to say to her b/c I've already said it.

Its the worst- she used to text me "call me" and I'd do it immediately- heck I wanted to talk to her anyway, but nmow that I look at it, it's like I was a dog and that was a cool trick she could get me to do.


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Did you at least get a doggie biscuit? laugh Sorry, I'm a bit snarky today. The only way for me to get through a whole 24 hours of NC is to keep in mind what I DON'T want for my future, and, right now, that is being controlled by my WAS.


Me: 26
Ex: 27
Son: 5

Divorced: 3/2010
Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
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Posts: 590
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Going dark is not easy but you got nothing to lose. It will get better with time and remember to breathe. If you are GALing then going dark/dim is much easier cause you will be busy. Hang in there!!


Me-44
WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY)
S-16
S-14
M-10/17/1992 T23
Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09
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Sadly no biscuit, just another interaction where I was needy and submissive- UGH!!

Try not to do that anymore these days. The worst part is I do Want to talk to W mostly anytime I can- BUT I have touched the hotstove enough now to realize- she is not the W I knew and loved- so I fight to avoid it.


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ppenton-

It looks like our sitches are on the same timeline- where's your thread, I'd like to read up on your sitch


DARK
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