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Originally Posted By: MrBond
There's no sense in going over what happened before. The WAS will cycle back and forth but those who actually pull the trigger and end the M sometimes feel like they "need to be D" in order to move on.

Wacky stuff. I can't understand it but, whatever. No sense making sense of non-sense.
Yep. Glad I didn't say anything to whatever it was she was feeling. But, damn, she was surprisingly hard-core blunt and honest both times- for the first time in a year. That's what threw me.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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VH,
Thanks. As I just told gima I had figured that probably would be the general consensus.

Last edited by Gardener; 03/03/10 01:44 AM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Can't wait 'til Gypsy comes in a'swingin' on this one: grin

"She's. Gone. Gardener."

Thanks, everybody.

Last edited by Gardener; 03/03/10 01:47 AM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
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In the one garden you may call your own."
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EDIT: I ain't Gypsy but I'll give it a shot....

Originally Posted By: Gardener
More frequent since D. Smalltalk. 1040s, taxes, etc,

That's because she wants something.

Originally Posted By: Gardener
which I told her she can do herself for once,

My my... Gman... tickle me pink!

Originally Posted By: Gardener
he responded: Okay, when can we get together, etc.

And now you know what she wanted.

Originally Posted By: Gardener
I emailed back, "I don't want to get together with you. Any questions on taxes, call me."

Forget about pink... color me blue!

Originally Posted By: Gardener
She looked like sh!t, frankly. And wouldn't come in when invited.

Really?

Originally Posted By: Gardener
Stayed at the mud room threshold and then asked me to turn off the lights so neighbors won't see her.

Blow me down... the woman does have some shame!

I wouldn't read too much into her behavior any more Gman. Too many braincycles have already been wasted flogging that dead horse.

Last edited by Gnosis; 03/03/10 01:50 AM.

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Gno,

Dead on, again. Made me look at a few aspects of it in a different light.
And, as always, humorous. too.

Thanks.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
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And
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
I wouldn't read too much into her behavior any more Gman. Too many braincycles have already been wasted flogging that dead horse.
Yeah. I know. Beatin' it into glue, already! as Gypsy would say.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
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Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I understand where you are coming from but couldn't she speak up if she wanted to? Or did she expect you to beg?
No, friend you didn't miss an opening. SHE did!
On the same wavelength, again. As I was typing it, I was thinking, "They're going to say, "she can speak for herself. She can stop it, if she wants.'"


My uncle gave me some advice a month or two ago that I didn't fully appreciate until later. His advice was once I was done with the D, don't ever look back.

So, don't torture yourself with her problems and lack of willingness to work on the M.


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Gardener, I keep wondering if, before this is all through, I should open myself up one final time and say "I don't want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce. If there's one thing I've learned in the time away it's that, yes, we aren't perfect for each other but we are better together than apart and there's too much here to give up without fighting for it."

I mean I've bought in so completely to the giving her time and space and focusing on myself that I haven't shown her a bridge back to me if she wanted it.

But then I remember reading the few success stories on here and most of them only happened after the LBS had completely given up on the R and entirely moved on.

And I also remember how painful it was in October when I opened up only to be swatted away and again in December when we spent several hours together for Christmas and then a week later she pushed me on the D.

Your W knew, had to know, that you would work on the M if she was willing. Now that it's over, she may be changing the history in her head to justify carrying it through to the end.


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Hey G'Man..

You know how I look at my marriage.

Something broke.
It wasn't fixed.

"I.. I... I..." ..blame... blame... blame.. yadda yadda yadda..

At some point.. and it's a journey.. probably more so than the divorce process.. at least for me.. I work to let it go. And quite a few may point out that I still don't move quite on.

Yes.. a divorce is emotionally gut wrenching, financially devastating, confidence draining, all while you're losing a partner who's ardently leaving.. it sucks. But it is what it is.

And for your former spouse, it was over for her.. has been.

If there's remorse or embarrassment on her part... it's hers to own.. as is her happiness or joy. And the same is true for you.

It's okay and good to mourn. It's great to know your boundaries. It's great that she didn't walk in... and didn't come any farther than she felt comfortable.

There's a difference between always being nice and being healthy, having boundaries. Did you really want her in the house or were you being magnanimous, a good host? Which is true, your email reply of 'not wanting to get together with the taxes' or opening the home to her?

Take care of you. Do what heals you, keeps you from burning yourself on the hot stove (Dang, it's still hot. Let me touch it again to make sure!). Take care of you first.

*hugs*

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Hey, G-Woman,
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
At some point.. and it's a journey.. probably more so than the divorce process.. at least for me.. I work to let it go. And quite a few may point out that I still don't move quite on.
Oh, you move on all right. Admirably so, imo. But for me I think of the movement, not the rate. I'm moving, at least. At last.

As is always the case, so many things were in stages (Bomb, Move out day, changing "brief respite" to full-blown S, "I may not be re-entering our M," "I want a D"), that it's been, among other things, 16 months of "false starts," of being constantly emotionally poised, tensed ("Ready! Set!") and then...no pistol.

And all this while DBing the whole time, trying to convince the starter to never pull the trigger. To put. The pistol. Down.

On D Day 2/09, no more false starts. The starter's pistol went off. I'm just now meandering away from my starting blocks asking, "Go? I can go, now? That was the pistol, right? It did go off? Okay, then. I'm going now... crazy
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
There's a difference between always being nice and being healthy, having boundaries. Did you really want her in the house or were you being magnanimous, a good host? Which is true, your email reply of 'not wanting to get together with the taxes' or opening the home to her?
Both. It wasn't my automatic Mr. Nice Guy response, nor was it magnanimous. Just polite. It was cold. I'd have said the same thing to a neighbor.

Which is true? The "I don't want to get together with you," is true.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Something broke.
It wasn't fixed.
Yep. But she of the dead cold eyes and look of disdain waits months until we're just about to throw the broken thing away to suddenly (and emotionally) blurt out a "I'm sorry I broke it, why did I break it?" (1/17) and then a "You're right; we could have fixed it, here's what I did to break it, I wish I hadn't broken it." (1/23). And what I heard was genuine. Sincere.

That really effed with my head. Guess it still is effing with my head since I revisit it.

Thanks.
frown

((()))


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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