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"The Power of Now" was the first book I read after separating. The friend I was staying with gave it to me. I try to refer back to it occasionally when my brain keeps leaping forward.

Dottie the DB counselor said she could never keep up with me because I was always imagining future problems.

That worked for me when working on our marital finances -- I was always anticipating how W would blow our money and therefore how much I should squirrel away to bail her out -- but it works against you in a separation where you have no control over anything.

The other "Power of Now" concept I'm still struggling with -- am I truly in love with W or just addicted to being in a relationship?

I've thought a lot about our first few years together and that felt like true love. The last five or so felt like I was addicted to the family concept.

I still haven't figured it out.

For me, if I'm faced with a long night at home I take sleeping pills. I've piled so much on my plate at work though that if I don't have the girls or a basketball game I'm usually in there catching up.

I don't know if that's the right strategy either though because when I do end up with long times to just think -- the brain goes in overdrive.


Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11
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A good friend gave me the Power of Now to read while I was in the initial stages of separation. I found it helpful, even though I wasn't always able to apply it. It is hard to break old habits. I have Tolle's Stillness Speaks on my desk right now. I may need to pick it up again!

Okay, random quote from Stillness Speaks
"Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in the world."


"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn

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Gardener,

Hope all is going well.

Take care of you,
WT

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Well, after lurking and peeking in on many of you without much to offer, thought I'd come home here and ask the group two questions. I may make it two posts.
Today I was thinking about two uncharacteristic exchanges with - and honesty from - then STBXW. The first one was on January 17:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Four hours later she calls. After a couple of surprising pleasantries absent her now-standard cold-to-disdainful tone, she starts to cry: She's sorry for this. For this strife. For all of this. For her part in turning it into strife. She never wanted this. She sits there sometimes and wonder how it came to this, etc. I calm her down, try to soothe (I know, I know), tell her I have also sat here and wondered how it all - all - came to this.
Siuddenly again on January 23rd:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
I called her. We discussed calmly and decently. For the second time in a week, she suddenly sounds like her again, the one whose been alien-AWOL for 14 months. Go figure.
And the one who last Sunday was suddenly crying to me on the phone about never meaning "to cause all this strife, all this destruction, all this!" Listens to me calmly as I close our conversation by saying,
"This was unnecessary.I was changeable. You were changeable.We were improvable."
To which she replies - get this - that she agrees with me and launches into a regret of "letting so many resentments build up unnecessarily toward the end but I never learned how to voice my opinions, my expectations."....(I told her StepD emailed me saying), "I do know that Mom clearly and regularly communicated unhappiness and concern over your relationship over a long, extended period of time."

Mrs. G. fell silent at that and I said to her, "I resisted the temptation to email back to StepD the first thought that popped into my head when I read that: 'Not to me she didn't!' (Mrs.G), I wish you had told me!"

To which Mrs. G responds,"So do I. I wish I had, too."
I was completely WTF flabbergasted both times. But now I'm wondering: Did I miss an opening, here? An opportunity to say, "Well, it sounds like you've been doing some thinking. Do you want to talk?" Or am I just seeing her on her own roller coaster?

A couple of weeks later, in the courtroom, I was almost tempted to throw her a quick, "It's still not too late, you know," but frankly I was afraid of having read this all totally wrong and getting a, "No way," kind of reply and kicking myself in the arse for opening up that one last time.

Thoughts and 2x4s time. Line up!

Last edited by Gardener; 03/03/10 01:15 AM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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G,

I understand where you are coming from but couldn't she speak up if she wanted to? Or did she expect you to beg?

No, friend you didn't miss an opening. SHE did!


Me 43, S11, D7
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There's no sense in going over what happened before. The WAS will cycle back and forth but those who actually pull the trigger and end the M sometimes feel like they "need to be D" in order to move on.

Wacky stuff. I can't understand it but, whatever. No sense making sense of non-sense.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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And how are your interactions now?


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2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
G,

I understand where you are coming from but couldn't she speak up if she wanted to? Or did she expect you to beg?

No, friend you didn't miss an opening. SHE did!

That's almost exactly what I was thinking. I think you gave her the opening, and she didn't take it. I think she does regret a lot of things, but I think by then she was sure it was too late. And it probably was.

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Mr. Bond,
Originally Posted By: MrBond
And how are your interactions now?
More frequent since D. Smalltalk. 1040s, taxes, etc, which I told her she can do herself for once, since she got the File Jointly clause she wanted. She responded: Okay, when can we get together, etc. I emailed back, "I don't want to get together with you. Any questions on taxes, call me."

She came over last night to finally give me long-past-due, now court-ordered checks. She knocked until I answered. (would normally knock, open with her key and poke her head in with a "Hellooo?")

She looked like sh!t, frankly. And wouldn't come in when invited. Stayed at the mud room threshold and then asked me to turn off the lights so neighbors won't see her. (?) All in all, I'd almost say she's been fairly meek since the D.

Does that (over) answer your question? whistle


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I understand where you are coming from but couldn't she speak up if she wanted to? Or did she expect you to beg?
No, friend you didn't miss an opening. SHE did!
On the same wavelength, again. As I was typing it, I was thinking, "They're going to say, "she can speak for herself. She can stop it, if she wants.'"


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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