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A Message from Michele
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Joined: Dec 2010
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Thanks GH. This was perfect timing for me to read that post. I do not know your story, but by reading your profile, I can see that we at least have some things in common. And everything that you wrote resonates with me big time. It has only been a month that my W and I have been working on piecing (if you can even put a start date on it at all). But it is encouraging to see someone who has been doing it for as long as you have, and who still remembers the things that he learned. That is what I hope for for me.

Thanks again!

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Thanks for dropping by Denver,

Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
It has only been a month that my W and I have been working on piecing (if you can even put a start date on it at all).

You guys are just getting started wink.

Originally Posted By: Denver_2012
But it is encouraging to see someone who has been doing it for as long as you have

Thanks. When I got started here I spent hours reading the threads of men who had succeeded in what I wanted to do i.e. getting their wives back and keeping them back. There weren't all that many back then but I did find some. The posters David and Nathan come to mind. There have been quite a few others since. These are the ones whose acts you want to follow.

Originally Posted By: Denver_2012
...and who still remembers the things that he learned.

With this, you have to look at it with the perspective of permanently changing your habits and your mindset.

When I got started, about a month after my wife left, I looked for examples of men who had made permanent changes to their lives, whether that was in marriage or anything else. It's like someone who has been fat all is life and decides he wants to be slim for the rest of his life. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that permanent changes in one’s habits, thought patterns, beliefs, self image, attitudes and other things are necessary if this outcome is to be real.

After a while, new habits, attitudes and thought patterns become habitual and automatic which is good news.

Other than the guys who had done what I wanted in the marital sense, these guys were also a massive inspiration to me:

Michael Santos (prisoner and reformed drug trafficker)
Richard Jensen (reformed drug addict and criminal turned wrestling champion)
Rob Cooper (former morbidly obese taxi driver who lost over 200lb, kept it off for over 20 years and who has since become a successful author, adventurer and businessman)

I have had a brief read of your threads Denver and think you have a great shot at this. Make the most of it, take your time (there is no way we can rush any of this) and make the choices which will make your marriage awesome.

cheers,

GH31


EDIT - FYI, it's not usually ok to post links outside DB...generally frowned upon, however, : ) How's about a warning?

Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 07/27/12 04:03 PM.

Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
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Cut him some slack Jack! wink

Thanks GH! Another great post.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Posts: 682
Wow I've had my knuckles rapped since I came on here last. Sorry about that Mr. Beans, shan't do it agin.

My wonderful wife and I are simply getting on with life and are very busy raising our two toddlers amongst other things.

We talk all the time - we ring each other during the the day and chit chat or do something together most evenings. We are both very busy with various things but seem to find a way of being busy together. For example she might be at the computer writing something (she writes a lot) and I'll be sat next to or opposite her and she'll ask me the best way to write something. Or she'll ask me to come and read what she's written. She is also very helpful to me for a book I'm writing at the moment and gets things prepared for me so that I can get writing when I get home from work.

I suppose John Gottman would call this stuff "turning towards" each other.

The idiot box (television) is hardly ever on in our house. It has been well over a year since my wife and I watched TV together and I think that is a fabulous thing. The kids sometimes watch The Wiggles in the morning on DVD or Mickey Mouse but other than that it's never on.

We still do silly things like send little cards to each other in the post. She sometimes brings the children to my office and then we go out for a family lunch together.

Last night I let her cut my hair (she likes doing that) after dinner and then we ended up making love twice which was good. We are still intimate physically even after 13 years together. Long may it continue.

Maybe it's my inner salesman/sportsman talking but metrics are important to me. The level of "togetherness" or "connectedness" can be measured by how much chit-chatting we do and how often, how much time we spend together and how frequent the sexual intimacy is. Don't get me wrong, I don't go through life with a scorebook in my pocket or anything (!) but I keep and eye on stuff like that. I'll always be more vigilant now than before my world completely disintegrated in January 2008.

Life isn't without its challenges though. We have to find a new place to live which isn't easy in our city and the kids are tough to deal with at times (they're children doing what children do) and I am doing extra work to get our household income up. We are on a mission to pay off all our debts. The most important thing though is for these challenges to be taken on together. All marriages, including happy ones have challenges and "real life" to deal with - how (and whether) you handle it together makes all the difference.

I've learned many lessons on this DB board but am no expert. My wife and I have been married over ten years but I am still very much a novice and learning every day. I can scarcely believe how much I've grown up in those ten years. No doubt I still have much more growing up to do.

Just so very grateful for my marriage, my family and for the passage of time.

GH31


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 642
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Now this gives me some hope. I finally found a post that is a success story. I am sure there are lots more but they are scarce, and that scares me and discourages me.
Thanks GH31.


M17 yrs.
me49
xW47
d15
d11

BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out)
Therapy 9 months (tried 2)
BD2- May/12(sep)
Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50
Sold home - Aug/13
Court #2 - Dec/13
Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again
We settled.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Hey FloydMan,
Originally Posted By: FloydMan
Now this gives me some hope. I finally found a post that is a success story.

I am not a "success story".

What I write about here is "the story so far" but the journey isn't over yet. I wrote to Denver2010 on his thread that the journey never ends. The landscape changes and you find yourself walking with your wife along beautiful beaches and breathtaking mountain tracks rather than crocdile infested swamps - but.... the journey is never over. You have never arrived, and if you fall for that utter delusion (as I once did), that's when complacency, taking her for granted and bad behaviour set in.


Originally Posted By: FloydMan
I am sure there are lots more but they are scarce

There are quite a few success stories but a lot of guys, once they get their wifes home, have much less time to come and post here. I am hardly ever here because I have a wife to spend time with, a job which absorbs loads of time as well as two beautiful little toddlers. Also, I deliberately spend as little time at the computer as possible when at home. For a long time coming to this board didn't help me that much any more and dredged up a load of awful memories. I was addicted to this board like crack and for a long time it was better that I didn't come and post here.

Originally Posted By: FloydMan
that scares me and discourages me.

If you want encouragement go and read the threads of men who have won their wives back and kept them back for a good period of time. Jack_Three_Beans is a quality example.

Have a look at Denver's, Starsky's and mine if you want (I'll consider myself more credible once another decade or two has passed).

Originally Posted By: FloydMan
Thanks GH31.

You're welcome wink


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 642
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 642
Thanks GH31....great advice and I will look for more stories.
Currently doing 180 and Last Resort Technique for last several weeks.


M17 yrs.
me49
xW47
d15
d11

BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out)
Therapy 9 months (tried 2)
BD2- May/12(sep)
Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50
Sold home - Aug/13
Court #2 - Dec/13
Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again
We settled.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 682
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GH31 Offline OP
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Posts: 682
Hello to anyone who remembers me.

Still have a look here very occasionally and posted very frequently from 2008 to about 2012.

Still married, still together, children are now 5 and 6.

No idea how I survived what I did. It took years to recover psychologically.


Me: 44
W: 44
T: 21
M: 19
DS11
DD10
DS3

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 196
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 196
Hi GH31

Your W is a lucky lady you have been through a hell of a journey and she is lucky to still have you by her side!

Also nice to see someone still going and being happy, I'm only just on the start of my journey!


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 73
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Posts: 73
Hello GH31:

Thank you for coming back and sharing your story. Your story gives others hope. I am a newbie currently fixing my issues and hope that one day my H will see the change and want to return.


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
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