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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
I wished I had the confidence and charisma to feel safe and secure approaching women. Why is that such a hard thing to deal with?

I can jump out of an airplane, race cars, driven a motorcycle at over 170mph, and yet I am afraid of women, approaching them, fear of them rejecting me, etc. Sheesh, that seems like a mountain of stuff to deal with..
Me, too, though I am getting better as I put less and less thought and emphasis on the result. I just aim to interact. And perhaps move on, perhaps not. A friend recently told me don't try to impress. Just enjoy. Also told me don't just talk, be like a reporter and interview. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and like to think that someone is really interested. Sounds like pure common sense.

Ladies, you're thoughts on this?


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Well,

I have not posted much, as I have just been scraping along on a day to day basis.

I met with new IC on Monday, and I really liked him. Felt an immediate connection, where he knows the 'Nice Guy' syndrome, and had very good things to say.

It was his discussion that made me realize that I don't have what I think is a 'complete' or 'comfortable' connection with my current IC, and maybe why I feel 'stuck'

I need to investigate that, and discuss with my IC, and decide if I want to try and switch IC's.

My other news brings me to my subject line, and why I am posting an update.

L called, and is scheduling our 4 way meeting for next Monday the 22nd, where we are supposed to hammer out the financial agreement for the D.

Just thinking about that, and discussing with L is making my stomach turn, and I am really anxious. I need to get this over, so I can figure out what do do next, but I am scared as well as to what will happen.

STBXW has a new love interest, so I must get this done, so I can move on. That's the only thing I can think of to help me past the current 'stuck'

I don't know what to expect in that meeting, sitting across from her and deciding my financial future..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
- I know what type of women I am attracted too. Tall, athletic, blond or auburn hair.
So you would know if you're attracted to a woman based on a photograph? Really?

IMO, part of the problem that men have with approaching women is that they often don't have the self-awareness to know what they truly enjoy about themselves and about women. If you know what you really enjoy in women, you will know when you see it and you will be able to relax and be your wonderful self. If you are interacting with women on a two-dimensional basis, you will feel totally uncomfortable because you are not responding to more than what would be encompassed in a police description of that woman.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
I just aim to interact. And perhaps move on, perhaps not. A friend recently told me don't try to impress. Just enjoy. Also told me don't just talk, be like a reporter and interview. Ask questions. People love to talk about themselves and like to think that someone is really interested. Sounds like pure common sense.

Ladies, you're thoughts on this?
See purple above.


me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4
current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp
.: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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Thanks for your comments flowmom!

Quote:
So you would know if you're attracted to a woman based on a photograph? Really?


Your right, no, and that was not the point I was getting at, but I see your point above.

I love the rest of your post, and like that it framed things I know, in a way I had not thought about before.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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IWITW,

Just thought I'd pop in to see how you are doing. I like the goals you outlined a couple posts back- the relationship goals in particular caught my eye.

First off, you are absolutely worthy of a great R with the type of woman you want. Don't let your STBXW take that away from you or let this D define you as a man. I hate to see you struggle with feeling beneath your STBXW and unworthy of her because of all that has happened. It's not right. Speaking from experience, it's really the other way around- she does not deserve you. Please give yourself credit.

Secondly, a question: Have you checked out any of the online dating sites yet? If not, I suggest you start. When things were really bad last summer and it appeared that D was becoming a real possibility, I started visiting a couple sites to get acclimated and see what it was like being single again after almost 20 years. I never tried to get together with anyone but I did read quite a few profiles. What I have gotten out of the experience thus far is that there are a lot of quality women out there that are compatible with me, many of whom are also pretty but may not have all of the most desirable features I prefer (i.e. blue eyes but with brown hair instead of blonde). So my advice is to consider being a little more broad minded about who it is you are looking for- but not so much where you settle for someone just because you don't want to be alone.

It's late and time to sign off. Hang in there and I'll talk to you soon.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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BJ, thanks again for stopping by..

I do feel I am struggling, but that is from my 'Nice Guy' issues, and I know it.

Flowmom alluded to guys not being 'self aware' enough to know what they bring to the table when approaching women. I thought about this, but believe in my case, I am far too self aware, and wind up focused on the negatives I bring with me when approaching women vs the positives. That is a 'Nice Guy' trait, and I am hoping that being aware of that will help me work through it..

I did sign up for some dating sites, and just as you to just see what is out there, and I have been amazed at the women that show up as single. I have reached out to a few, but no response so far, so wonder if they are truly out there, or if again my approach needs work.

Last night was a tough night for sleeping again, as I was dreaming of stbxw again. However, the last dream I had before alarm went off, I went off on my stbxw, screaming at her in anger for everything that has happened.

I actually felt good after waking up, like I had actually unloaded those anger feelings on her. That just points out I still have a lot of anger to work through, I accept that, and will work on it.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Hi IWITW.

When you're in touch with your core value, you cannot do wrong. Remember that. Especially when you're interacting with others, like women. Just stay in touch with your core value, and you don't have to worry about focusing on the negatives, or anything else that you do or don't bring to the table when approaching women. You can never lose core value, but you can lose touch with it. So, stay in touch with it, always, and you cannot do wrong.

Don't make assumptions either. You don't know what they're thinking or not thinking. And besides, it doesn't matter. Don't take it personally. What others do or think is because of themselves. Nothing others do is because of you. A lot of the crap in our lives is because we make assumptions and take things personally. Think about that for a minute. Most of the crap between people is about making assumptions and taking things personally.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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My life could not get more surreal at times than if I were in a Hitchcock movie..

I just sat in a 4 way meeting with STBXW and her L and mine, and after about 20 mins of conversation, my L kicked her L and STBXW out of his office..

W..

T..

F...

I don't even know what to say at this point, I am just stunned....

When it got time to ask for what STBXW and L wanted, they wanted STBXW and d9 to stay in house until d9 turned 18, and that I would pay for the house, and then pay her alimony on top of that, and half our 'assets'

Of course, once again, her inheritance was not listed on financial disclosure, but she has spent 35k of that 50k she got, on Car and new boobs.

I guess we will be going to court, and she can testify to that fact, and that she thinks I need to pay for her home as she can't..

I don't understand it. I really don't...

To say I am shocked would be an understatement.

This is going to drag out and get really ugly, when I don't even want that, I just want out of this with some of my hide intact, and I am not even being spiteful to her..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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The abject cruelty and selfishness of these WAS's still stuns me. - Kimmie Lee


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Count me as one of the stunned ones...
I hope this starts to turn a little more your way soon-
Hugs, Bunny


W42/H42/M20
S/19,D/17
On My Own: 11/28/09
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