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A Message from Michele
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I have a question, and I know MY answer to it, but I was wondering if any of you fine folks would mind sharing your reason/answer.

Not to be answered with: I dunno. If you don't know...then sit back, if you think you know, go ahead. And by the way...I only think I know.

Question:
Why are some of the tactics in dealing with MLC considered being a doormat?

Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?

Theories?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

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I"ll take a shot
Quote:
Why are some of the tactics in dealing with MLC considered being a doormat?
I would give two reasons for this. One-The time involved in dealing with a MLC is so long. Being non-confrontational is a better option for dealing with the spew, venom and all around nastiness. Two-The affairs in MLC are more than likely going to run their course. Using a more aggressive approach to confront these affair is more likely to prolong the time in the tunnel and increase the length of time in MLC. All these reasons leave the LBS looking like a doormat.
Quote:

Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?
This is to protect the LBS. Confronting the MLC'er is like torturing a lion. You are liable to get destroyed in the process. The dark/dim lets the MLC'er have space to deal with their own problems. They need to stay in the tunnel by themselves with no outside influences. That is the only way they can heal in order to progress out of the tunnel.

OK. I'll listen to some other theories.


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I know you have stated that if your W were to repeat, that is it for you. Great boundary, and since your W knows, it is a deterrent of sorts.

Did you consider what you did during the MLC to save your marriage as being a doormat?

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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Why are some of the tactics in dealing with MLC considered being a doormat?


I think people fail to fully understand or accept what it is they're dealing with. I'm sure ego plays a roll at times too.

Quote:
Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?


You have a depressed, irrational person with the emotions of a child who is also suffering from a MASSIVE amount of denial. They honestly (in their warped mind) believe that the LBS is the cause of their misery. You tend to hand that justification over to them the more they can associate you with any type of conflict.


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Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Question:
Why are some of the tactics in dealing with MLC considered being a doormat?


The time it takes for the MLCer to move or travel their journey alone is much longer than most people realize. While on their journey that leave a wake of carnage and destruction a mile wide and the victims are the one's closest to the MLCer, friends, family, and of course the spouse. To lovingly standby your spouse while they repeatedly hurt you would make you look like a doormat in others eyes, Friends, Family, and even 13 year old daughters.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

Question:
Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?


As the LBS you would only push them away and validate their feelings towards you by confrontation. As far as someone suggesting to go dark or dim, that would depend on the sitch and some of the circumstances surrounding the sitch. But I assume as an initial response to go dark or dim would give the MLCer more of what they think they want which is to get away from the spouse who is the major preceived cause of their pain.

Does this count as a quiz or a test?


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Quote:
Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?

I found that confronting the MLCer made me take on the role of the 'parent', the very thing they are rebelling against. The more parentlike I was the more he wanted to get away from me.


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I think that there is a fine line between self-preservation and being a doormat.

I know that, for myself, I see a lot of LBSs whose spouses are in MLC BEING a doormat.

what OP said about torturing a lion is true, however, not torturing the lion doesn't mean you don't have any boundaries against the lion.

you don't go out of your way to torture it but if it crosses your boundary you need to let it know that THAT isn't OK.

for instance,
being a doormat scenerio: LBS keeps allowing S to carry on affair with OW/OM in their home with no regard for LBS
boundaries scenerio: Boundary is stated (I understand that you are unsure of how you feel. Respectfully I need to let you know that carrying on an affair with soandso in our house in unacceptable) and then enforced.

Going dark or dim is to distnace yourself from the insanity

if you were to constantly confront the MLCer who doesn't know why they are doing what they are doing or says they know why but the reason changes faster than the seconds can tick...you would make yourself crazy

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Good questions!

The LBS may be *considered* to be a doormat to outsiders who can't see that the MLCer is actually in agonizing pain. They don't understand how the MLCer's history brought him/her to this crisis, they don't know the entire story of the M (they tend to blame only the MLCer for issues that in fact both partners contributed to), and they read into the situation their own emotions ("if my spouse cheated, I'd kick him/her out so fast...")--which have never been tested. In other words, they lack the compassion, understanding--and love--which allow the LBS to deviate from the popular norm.

Why go dim instead of confronting? The MLCer is basically a teenager on steroids. If you argue with your teen, he becomes more opposititional, angry and determined--and it's all your fault! However, if you back off, he's got to sort his mess out on his own, which becomes a much-needed life skill. The MLCer missed this lesson the first time round, and nobody else can do the homework for him.

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Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?

Because in the mind of the MLCer the LBS is the problem. Much of what we are dealing with here is cognitive dissonance. Coming out of the angry phase the MLCer is looking for a reason why they are feeling the way they are. There is a gap between what they think is the correct action and what they actually feel. What the MLCer is going through is an internal struggle between who they think they are and the actions that they are taking. After all a good person does not leave his/her family for no apparent reason.

In order to compensate for this dissonance they deploy a great deal of rationalization. I can't be happy because I don't love my spouse. If I don't love my spouse their must be a reason. Most spouses aren't perfect so bam, you have a reason. Now MLCer is free to do whatever they want because LBS is...

The reason there needs to be a health separation is the actions of the LBS will always been seen through the filter of the reason for the MLCers actions. If the LBS was perceived as being controlling any action taken by the LBS would be seen as a method of control.

That's my theory.


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Well just had lunch with a few to many beers...with the wife none the less. In a good manner I will try to expand on your deep reflective questions;

Quote:
Why are some of the tactics in dealing with MLC considered being a doormat?


Lack of perception....people only see what they want without wanting to understand. I feel rather confident in stating that a doormat doesn't know that it is a doormat....but an MLC LBS goes through actions knowingly. So the LBS is knowingly accepting the path they choose unlike the doormat that doesn't realize it is a doormat.

"Humans will never perceive reality....it is impossible....because it is bent by their perception"

Quote:
Why does the MLC LBS suggested to go dark or dim, instead of confronting the MLCer?


Basic Physics---"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction"...That Newton guy was pretty smart....and when it comes down to it...everything goes by the laws of physics.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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