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Not much of a day,
Some cleaning in anticipation of weekend house-showings.
Bummed out most of the day over now totally depleted financial sitch. This has never happened to me in my life. And based on law/formula in my state she'll credit me with whopping $240/month when house is sold for every month she straddled and strangled me solo with this place since she left 12/08. woo hoo.

One bright side: Somehow realized this evening that I never sent out October or November invoices at end of last season. So at least I'll do that tomorrow. That and get off my butt re: a bunch of neither-of-us-wants stuff that I'll put on craigs list.

Bright side #2: truck loan is paid up with next/final payment in 20 or so days.

Not a good day. Not a bad day. Just pphffftt!! shocked

Last edited by Gardener; 02/19/10 02:57 AM.

Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Hey Gardener, I know how you feel with the financial picture. Somehow, someday, this will get better..

I stopped by your thread to ask you a question though, as I am approaching meeting with L and STBXW and L, and I am getting anxious about what to expect.

It's basically about trying to get agreement on financial divorce. I want to stay strong for d9 and myself.

Looking back now a bit, how did you manage that?

What should I focus on during this, to keep my emotions in check, etc?

Just looking for some passing thoughts from people that are ahead of me..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw, I assume that since it's a
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
meeting with L and STBXW and L,
it's not mediation because it's two lawyers, right?.

Stay away from mediation.

Weddings are about love. Divorce is strictly business.
There's a reason there's a "vs" between your two names on the action, agreement, document: it is adversarial.

As much as possible, stay away from L meetings with you and W present together. The dynamics and emotions that got you there in the first place just poison the atmosphere of the room (This is the main problem with Mediation, BTW.)

OBEY your lawyer unless he advocates something that really goes against your grain as a man. You have to be able to sleep nights.
Don't give a rat's a$$ as to what "anybody might think" of your positions or your demands. Doesn't matter. Besides, they will be getting the one-sided, tainted version from W regardless.

Do not arrive together (wait for the next elevator, etc.); do not depart together. Do not discuss D or meeting mingling in lobby or in waiting room/reception area before meeting starts other than chit-chat pleasantries if possible in your sitch.

Do not speak directly to your wife during such meetings, or directly to her L for that matter. Look to your L for guidance and/or to speak for you. My L even gave me a code word that whenever he used it in addressing me, meant I should simply say "yes," or "I agree." I trusted him and this saved time and the grief of Gardener going on and on (as you know he's wont to do), and questioning and protesting and nit-picking.

Do not speak to W about D or its provisions together in private. Let Lawyers do that. Might be more expensive, but speaking directly to each other about legal issues is a no-win.

You are the better person.
You are/were the more honorable spouse.
You are the better parent.
Remember that. Project that.
Be calm and business-like and professional.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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You got it right - let the L's do their work.

Hey, I had a thread title called:

LOVE=Quest; MARRIAGE=Conquest; DIVORCE=Inquest

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Good job trying to look on the bright side... you can't control the rest of it anyway so just take care of what you can! I think it helps to feel more empowered.

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Thanks G-man!

You right, it is not mediation. However, in my state they MANDATE that you sit down with L and STBXW to try and hammer out agreement before you can even go to a pretrial hearing so that is what we are doing.

I like your keyword thing though, I will bring that up with my L! Thanks!

I plan on not talking to stbxw at all, unless directed to do so..

Thanks again man, I am not looking forward to this, but it is something that must be done..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
Thanks again man, I am not looking forward to this, but it is something that must be done..
You're welcome. Hope it helps.

Journaling,
It's all quite surreal. Today I was chatting with neighbor about house-selling "stuff" when she asked a minor, non-nosey question about expenses or sale proceeds or something. After my non-answer, this:

She: Well the divorce isn't final, yet, is it?
Me: No.
She: Well, then, that can always be addressed in the Final Agreement.
Me: Yes, and I'm sure it will be.

I went back to straightening out a few things in the garage as the house was due to be shown in an hour. A full fifteen minutes later, my two unthinking responses hit me. We are divorced. As of eleven days ago. I'm either just not accustomed to the question - and answer - or, more likely, it hasn't impacted my life at all yet: I still live here alone. Still never see her. Still hardly ever hear from her, Still contributes absolutely nothing to house expenses or house-selling to do's.
Status quo.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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I can relate G. Old habits are very, very hard to break.

But, I try to focus on the new freedom my new life will hold. One where I can focus on my kids and myself, without the burden of dealing with W's problems and issues.

In time, we will both find the right someone. God will see to that. And, in the meantime, He will also see to it that our lives are more fulfilled and interesting than ever.

Haven't chimed in much lately, but, as always, continue to lurk.


Me 43, S11, D7
M13
Bomb 4/20/09
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Hi Gardener- I hope you're enjoying your weekend.
Hugs, Bunny


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On My Own: 11/28/09
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gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Haven't chimed in much lately, but, as always, continue to lurk.
Oh, I know that. Me too.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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