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Please go visit Gypsy.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Thanks for poking me for that Gardener, I was completely out of computer range yesterday for a vendor conference, but dropped by Gypsy's today to offer what I could.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Iwant......
I know what you mean about the self esteem...although we each are responsible for our own, it's entirely understandable we feel this way given what each of us have been through. For me, after I found out about my H affair with my exbest friend I felt utterly in adequate in every sense. I felt unattractive, oh yeah I could go on and on about it. Felt like why wasn't I enough? Now I'm trying to grasp that maybe just maybe someone will want to be with me and maybe even love me.


Me: 31
H: 30
Son 2.5

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Hey Bunny,Ant nikblondiew and others that have stopped by.

Thanks for your thoughts, and keeping me on your mind given you all have your own sitch's.

I have been struggling to sleep, and waking up the last few mornings really early, and having night sweats again. Not a good place to be. I know this will pass, but it's taking longer than I would hope.

It is tough to keep focus off stbxw, but I am trying with all I can. It seems like she is 'winning' with whatever that means right now. Financially, and now personally she has a new love. I know I can not focus on this though, so just pushing it aside to refocus on me, d9, and what we need.

Been trying to stay as upbeat and busy as possible, but I also need to push forward, so I called my L today, to try and get him to make some progress on an agreement, but no call back yet. That is frustrating as well, but nothing I can do about it.

I am not feeling comfortable with my L, so I am going to a consultation with another one, just to get second opinion. If they say, your L is doing the best he can for you, then so be it, I'll feel better that I at least am trying.

I am also investigating trying a new IC, and will talk with my current IC about going there for a while. This new one is familiar with 'Nice Guys' and I feel like I am stuck right now, and looking for some changes to get 'unstuck'

I know I have made good progress, and don't want to discount that, I just want to take some next positive steps in my life.

Boy am I tired...


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Hey IWITW.

Just don't internalize what she's done. People have their own reasons for doing what they do. It's not about you. It's about her. Her reasons for doing this have NOTHING to do with you. So don't internalize it. I know it hurts. Bad. Let it go...hard as it is...let it go. We're more than willing to forgive others and love them...we ought to be AT LEAST that willing to forgive ourselves and love ourselves! Do it.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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IWITW,

Just catching up on your thread as I've been out for a bit. Sorry to hear about what has been going on lately with you. I second the advice Antlers has been giving you. If it's any solace, I've been having some similar issues with stuff breaking around here that I've either fixed or paid to have fixed. When it rains it really does pour.

I have more to say about your recent events but it's late and I am bushed- been very busy at work, at the house and with the D stuff. I'll try to pop back in when I get a chance. Do not beat yourself up over what you read in that email. I've had several friends and acquaintances in the Family Law arena who have all said that divorcing women in particular will lie like a rug to anyone who will listen to them about how supposedly "bad" their ex-husbands were- in every respect. Making the first guy they are with feel like Mr. Big Shot at the expense of their ex-husband (and the truth) is part of their shtick- you just have to recognize it for what it is.

Take care and I'll talk to you soon.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Thank you all for sticking with me, and offering advice.

I slept better last night, but still exhausted today.

I am assuming that in my mind there was still some hope or shred that we could still have gotten back together. I don't want that now that she has been with someone else. I don't like who she is currently, nor what she has been doing.

I realize that I am feeling still unworthy of my stbxw, and below her, and still feeling guilty for all the things I did to bring about the end to our R, and that keeps me 'stuck' I have to let go and forgive what I did, and focus on creating the best life I can.

That piece is hard to do, when I am still responsible for my stbxw financially, and it keeps me tied to her. Hard not to focus on her and what she is doing, as I am paying the bills for the house she lives in.

To help move on from that, I need to refine and refactor my life into what I want. Goals will help there.

So, I am going to try and list some short/mid term goals to come back to, and help keep me focused. This is just first pass, will probably need to refine or redefine them, and add/remove.

I'd be interested in critique/thoughts on my goals list if you have any.

Goals -
D9
- Continue to find things to do with d9, while she is here with me.
- Continue solidifying my relationship with d9, discussion of feelings, acceptance for who she is, unconditional love. Already meeting this goal!!
- Call as close to every night that I can. I am meeting this goal, and glad that I can talk to her as much as possible, if only for 5 minutes a day at this point - Already in Progress.
- Over the next few months find more groups to meet up with that have kids in mind to do things, find new friends in my new neighborhood, and new friends that d9 can connect with as well.

Fitness -
Goal - Reduce my body fat content to lowest level I can, and get into as good a physical shape as I can, or actually have ever been.
- First, acknowledge that I have done a lot here in the past year, lost 50 lbs, and gotten back to 190lbs.
- Eat healthier, and learn more about nutrition to take my fitness to a higher level.
- Exercise - Continue 2 days a week BJJ training, and possibly add the 'Strength and Condition' 1 weekly workout IN PROGRESS
-- Weight loss is not my goal, but fat loss now, and conversion to lean muscle IN PROGRESS
- Regular and scheduled dentist and doctor visits for checkups. GOAL MET LAST YEAR!!

Personal-
- Continue IC on at least bi-weekly basis. Investigate if new IC would be good fit and crossover to further personal growth
- Continue Group C weekly to increase my intimate relationship building
-- Reduce anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and work on feeling that I DO deserve great relationships with people that respect and appreciate me.

Relationships
- I know what type of women I am attracted too. Tall, athletic, blond or auburn hair.
-- Work on feelings that I do deserve relationship with the type of woman that I want in my life, and I am worthy of a good relationship.
-- Don't settle for someone or something just because they are available, and I don't want to be alone.


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,041
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Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
I realize that I am feeling still unworthy of my stbxw, and below her, and still feeling guilty for all the things I did to bring about the end to our R, and that keeps me 'stuck' I have to let go and forgive what I did, and focus on creating the best life I can.


I completely understand, and empathize, how you feel. I say this from my own experience. It's odd that we are so willing to forgive others, yet we have such a hard time forgiving ourselves! In truth, we should be just as willing to forgive ourselves, and put forth the required effort, as we are to forgive others!


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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Iwant:

Work on feelings that I do deserve relationship with the type of woman that I want in my life, and I am worthy of a good relationship.
-- Don't settle for someone or something just because they are available, and I don't want to be alone.

Those are my big areas too right now. Realizing that I deserve to be treated with respect and I am worthy of being happy and with a good person, like I am.


Me: 31
H: 30
Son 2.5

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iwitw,
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
I know I have made good progress, You have. and don't want to discount that, I just want to take some next positive steps in my life. I hear you.

Boy am I tired...How could you not be?


Hang in.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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