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Iwantit.....you're very wise!


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Hi nikblondview,

Thank you for the compliment. I certainly don't feel that way, battle tested maybe, but just like a lot of other things, it's a work in progress.. smile

Thanks for stopping by my thread, I hope you are doing well as can be. I'll try and read up on your sitch, and see what's happening!


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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Great post, iwitw. I got a lot out of it. Thanks.
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
At times, we lbs get paid visit by o'dog's black dog, and he hops up for some attention and growls while doing so..

For me, it's every few weeks when I have to sit down and deal with the financial mess, and then pay for my stbxw's bills in 'our' old house. I have had to start fending off banks for payments now, and dealing with weekly calls from them, and wondering where I am going to get money to keep them at bay. I also look to my bank balance, and hope to have money to pay for groceries, and that my car doesn't break.
I empathize. My exact situation. And getting worse daily.

But:
1) It isn't killing me (or hasn't yet wink ) so it must be making me stronger!
2) This is the financial crisis of my life and I am determined to prevail.
3) And I am determined to reverse it completely
4) Like everything, this, too, shall pass. "All Things Must Pass": George Harrison
Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
It's a reminder to us all, that we are not 'rocks' but we are human, and we also have feelings and emotions that must be dealt with. We can DB as best we can, cope with the decisions we have in front of us.
We must accept these emotions, rather than suppress them, as these situations are not easy, are not totally of our making, and are certainly understandable given where we are.
Being mindfully aware of them, is the process to move through them. Understanding the thoughts that generate them help to become mindful of them, and allow them to exist without giving them destructive power over us.

Not every day will we be perfect, or perfectly mindful, but even that is a chance to be mindful with yourself, that you are human and not perfect, and accept your faults and feelings as part of who you are.

I may not be perfect at it, but perfection is not the goal.

To steal line from Snarch, my goal is to:
"Tolerate discomfort for personal growth"
Wisdom, friend. Pure wisdom. Thank you.

p.s.I like your signature line. My take on it has always been

"Pain becomes suffering only when we do not accept it."

Peace.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Well I've learned a lot from reading your posts and try to soak in the advice.


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I usually review and post to others before posting to my own sitch, but need to drop some notes down, and you all can start swinging..

I was 15 mins late picking up d9 this AM, and the stbxw has d9 calling me asking me where I am, and if I am coming to get her.

It just set me off this am. Sorry I am interrupting your life stbxw, by being a few mins late due to snow, house stuff, etc. It just set me off on top of feeling stuck in limbo financially, and getting crushed by her and the state financially. I walked in pissed, and sure it was obvious, collected d9's stuff and told d9 to meet me in the car.

Just not a place I want to be in.

So then this afternoon in a complete utter horrible decision, I snoop on stbxw's email. Why, I don't know, I just must be in a really bad place right now, just dealing with this financial chaos and just not having had a break in months. Doesn't even matter, I did it, and it's my fault. What has been seen can't be unseen, and all that. So stbxw pursued and is now sleeping with d9's kung fu teacher.

So what the hell good does that do me? Great, after reading what she wrote in an email, and not hearing those things myself in 15 years of R with her, does that mean I was unattractive to her all along? or less of a man than the current one she is sleeping with?

Who knows. I wish robx was here, to just smack me in the head and say wtf did you do that for?

So, I am as weak at times as I had hoped not to be. However, it does go to show that this thing is just over, as I knew it was, and she probably was, or is not, the person I thought she was.

It changes nothing. I know I have had self esteem issues for a while, and that is nothing to do with her, but myself, and where I need to focus my time and energy.

All, let them 4x4's fly, and dig me out of this mess. After months of getting hammered financially, and feeling like I am stuck, I just let it get the better of me.

I actually do not feel as bad as I thought I would, just know that I have many areas to still work on, for myself. I wished I had the confidence and charisma to feel safe and secure approaching women. Why is that such a hard thing to deal with?

I can jump out of an airplane, race cars, driven a motorcycle at over 170mph, and yet I am afraid of women, approaching them, fear of them rejecting me, etc. Sheesh, that seems like a mountain of stuff to deal with..

One step at a time, I suppose...


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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I'm not sure that you need 2x4's from anyone else, it sounds like you're doing a good job on yourself! You already know that you need to spend your time and energy on yourself and your daughter, not stbxw. I hope you find yourself soon in a better, calmer place than where you were this afternoon.

Also- has your atty seen any possibility of getting the financial orders re-worked so that you're not being crushed? I can't believe the courts are willing to let a parent to fall into bankruptcy. (Side note- as a woman, I really don't get your stbxw, or any of these other women with a sense of entitlement- the only support I get from my H at the moment is health insurance and I feel a bit guilty receiving that- I'm on my own for everything else.)

Take care of yourself and D-
Hugs- Bunny


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Hey IWITW.

Man, I'm sorry. I know it hurts. And just because your self esteem is low right now doesn't mean it's gonna stay that way! Know this...what she's done has absolutely NOTHING to do with you! It has everything to do with her! Drop it like a hot rock! Don't take on anything that you're not responsible for...and you are NOT responsible for what she's doing with this guy! Stop giving your energy away by snooping and such.

You've given us tons of good advice here man...so, follow your own advice! We can't give you any better advice than you've given us...it's THAT good! You know what to do here man. And you know the right attitude to have...so do it! We are here for ya'...to vent, for support, whatever. You are a wealth of good advice for many of us here...so I know you have the 'know-how' to handle this.

I am on your side 100%.

As for your self-esteem...it's there, you just gotta get in touch with it. You were born with all the inherent value you'll ever have...and it's abundant! And NOTHING your wife, or anybody else says or does or doesn't do can affect that! It's everything that is good and strong about you...it's there...always! You just gotta stay in tough with it! If you're feeling low, it's because you're out of touch with it...but it's there. A suggestion...read up on core value. There's a whole chapter on it in the great book Love Without Hurt by Steven Stosny. This book will definately help you.

Stay strong, and honor yourself.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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In the history of crappy weekends in IWITW's life, this one has got to take the cake..

Woke up at 4:30 am and couldn't fall back to sleep with the memory of yesterday still ringing in my head..

So, I planned on taking d9 skiing today just to do something with her, and she was excited to go.

In my mail is stbx's Oil bill and yearly oil contract renewal to the tune of $900 dollars I have to come up with.

Hop in my car, and the transmission has blown. Un freakin believable. I have 350k miles on this car, from commuting for 8 years to support my family, and now it gives out. I have friend in the field that can get me a used tranny, but he and I will have to do the work ourselves, to the tune of another grand in 2-3 weeks we can get to it.

Well, I have a secondary summer car, a convertible mustang gt, not exactly fun to drive in the winter up here, but I will have to make due. Well, hop in and battery is dead. Figure it's just from sitting, so jump it from the other car, pack up d9 and ski's (Try fitting 176cm ski's in a convertible. NOT FUN..) Stop for gas, and when I go to start it back up. Dead. Great. It's Sunday and the station garage is closed, so no-one has jumpers. So, d9 and I hang in car waiting for AAA for an hour to jump start it. Go buy a new battery, to the tune of another $100 bucks, then have to put it in outside in 20 degree weather. Friggin unbelievable.

Putting new battery in, I find that the negative terminal is shot, so have to go back to parts store, and of course they don't have a matching one, so I have to hack in a generic one. Nice..

I finally get d9 to the ski area and at least get a couple hours in, to fulfill what I promised, and for a bit, I at least laugh as she is having a blast.

I don't mean to brag at all, or make light of other's with less than I have, but I make a 6 figure salary, and I am running around like a teenager trying to keep a frigging car on the road, and can't pay my bills, and not from really a place or position of my own making entirely, and that is a tough to deal with...

Heard enough whining yet??

*sigh*

Now, back to more personal issues...

I realize now, that I needed to find proof of what I already know, and why I checked stbxw's email. Our MR is dead. Was dead. Was never really alive in the 15 years we were together, despite what I thought I knew.

What I also realize is why it hurts so much. Not because she is with someone else, but because she is NOT with me. There is a difference. The pain is from realizing I was not able to give her what she needed from a physical or emotional standpoint.

That is why your self esteem takes a hit, and why it hurts. That is about me, not her.

Well, I surely hope that someday I can find someone that I can meet the needs of, and vice versa. That is hard to think about, at 40+ years old.

For now, I may just watch the football game and crack a beer and snuggle with d9 and hope that it just all goes away....

At least for tonight..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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I am glad that you and your daughter still managed to get some fun in after all that- you more than deserved a little fun at that point!

Quote:
The pain is from realizing I was not able to give her what she needed from a physical or emotional standpoint.

Did she ever tell you what she needed? It's a two-way street- you can't blame yourself if she didn't.

Hugs, Bunny


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Originally Posted By: iwantittowork
*What I also realize is why it hurts so much. Not because she is with someone else, but because she is NOT with me. There is a difference. The pain is from realizing I was not able to give her what she needed from a physical or emotional standpoint.

That is why your self esteem takes a hit, and why it hurts. That is about me, not her.


Hey IWITW.

"The pain is from realizing I was not able to give her what she needed from a physical or emotional standpoint." Maybe you WERE able to IWITW, and you didn't...for whatever reasons! There is a difference between 'not being able' and 'not doing it'! Sometimes we don't do what we should do, plain and simple. We make mistakes. We have our own problems that don't have anything to do with our spouses, yet they are the ones who we take those problems out on...so to speak. But we can learn, and grow, and not make those same mistakes ever again! You're kicking your own butt, and I understand that. I really do.

The utter rejection also hits your self-esteem hard. And it hurts, along with the knowledge of our own mistakes. I really do understand the feelings you're having. All one can do at this point, other than feel what you are, is put forth a big effort to get better and stronger. Be the best dad you can be, and be the best IWITW you can be.

You are a good man.


"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
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