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Gyps-
This is EXACTLY what I needed tonight - THANK YOU!!!

And, for anyone who might be sharing a moment with me, here is the article that I read that made me feel better, hole and all.

Quote:
Are You Not Getting Over It?
January 22, 2010 by Susan J. Elliott
Someone asked me to rerun this. So here it is.
When I was doing my internship for my masters program, I interned at a residential alcohol and drug treatment program during graduate school, we all took the residents to a local AA meeting. One Friday night I was standing in the hallway before the meeting with two guys who were really hard core drug addicts who had been court ordered into the center for a year. They weren’t happy and they didn’t particularly like meetings.
Standing near us in the hallway was one of the “old-timers” of the meeting. His young “sponsee” was moaning about the fact that it was Friday night and instead of being out with his friends he was sitting around in an AA meeting. The two guys I was with mumbled to each other, “I hear that.”


The old-timer took $5.00 out of his pocket and gave it to the kid. “Here,” he said, “Go out and buy yourself a drink on me.” The kid looked startled. His AA sponsor was GIVING HIM MONEY TO DRINK? What? The sponsor said, “You’re obviously not ready. If you can’t handle sitting in a meeting on a Friday night in a program that will save your young, stupid life, you’re not ready. The door swings both ways. If you’re lucky, you’ll make it back.”

The kid returned the money and sat down and took his seat. The two guys with me were wide-eyed and they too sat down without protest (which was different than how they normally approached the meeting.)

Since then I’ve sometimes said to someone, “So maybe you ARE the one person in the world who can’t quit your ex. Call (him/her) up and have a good conversation. Perhaps you’ll get (him/her) back. Perhaps you’ll get closure. Perhaps you will finally be happy with this person.”

Many times the person will look at me like I just told him to light themselves on fire. You know why? Because I just did.

Sometimes people want to moan that they are not getting over it and will never get over it and this isn’t working and I’ll never be happy again.

No? Well go back to what you were doing. Because if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got. So go. Have at it. Here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.

But if you are serious about getting over your ex and changing your life and being treated better in the future, that option is here too. Don’t fear that you are the one person who won’t get over it or the one person in the universe who can’t move on. If you do the work you HAVE to move on. Even if you feel you’re not.

In the past year and 4 months, I have grieved the love of my life’s terminal illness and death. Some days I thought, “I’m never going to get through this.” or “I’m never going to get over this.” hits me. So yeah I know. But I ALSO know that’s not true. It hurts and it’s hard but I won’t stay stuck. I’ve gotten over abusive relationships, divorce from a major jerk, rejection by my birth mother (twice!), a dysfunctional foster/adoptive family and countless relationships with bananaheads. And after all that I found my way into the relationship of a wonderful, tender, loving man who supported me and was by my side loving me for 13 years and then he was taken away. Because of my past work, I know that I will always love him, and always miss him, but I can and will heal and go on and enjoy the good things in my life (of which there are many).

It’s not that people don’t get stuck in grieving. We all know that they do and we all know that friend who is stuck and can’t get off the dime. But if you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, that won’t be you.

Part of going through the grief is doing the Relationship Inventory in the Getting Past Your Breakup book and looking at, really looking at, what you had and what you’ve lost. But if you’ve done all that and you’re back to thinking obsessively about the ex, chances are you’re only thinking about the good things and your brain is convincing you that this is the only one for you.

It’s time to take charge of that brain. Of redirecting it. Of not letting it wallow. Just because you “did” the Relationship Inventory doesn’t mean you’re necessarily done with it. Did you REALLY do it or did you just go through the motions? Did you not learn anything? What did you learn? Why aren’t you focused on that?

If you want to sit there and day dream about your ex then have it. You’re not done. This is your $5.00. Go off and moon over the ex. You’re not done. When you’re done you will redirect that brain. Until then, here’s your $5.00. If you want to text, email or call your ex, have at it. You’re not done. Here is your $5.00.

If you want to think about the past and your ex and how wonderful it was once upon a time, you will have no time to think about the benefits of losing this person who did not love you right, who was not good for you. Here’s your $5.00. You are not done.

If you’re not building your new life and developing a relationship with yourself and a chance to find someone who does love you, here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.

If you’re so busy thinking about what you’ve lost and you’ve romanticized that person and what you had or you’re not being honest about it, it’s not going to help the getting over it. Here’s your $5.00. You’re not done.

If you’re holding on..if you’ve gone through the review and the deep grief and you’re still allowing your daydreams to lead you around by the nose…you need to take charge of it…to start to move away from that…it takes work. It takes snapping it off… If you’re allowing yourself to go there day after day without taking charge of it, here’s your $5.00. You’re not done.

If you are splitting your ex and only remembering the good times and telling yourself “I’ll never find anyone like that again…” here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.

If you’re sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and how wronged you were and how life is unfair and terrible to poor widdle old you, here’s your $5.00, you’re not done.

If you’re not realizing that the “good times” you’re picturing in your head wasn’t real, then you’re not done. As I’ve said before, you need to stop dreaming and start figuring out if this person was a life partner. Someone who would be there for the bad times as well as the good times. Dreamy and sexy and romantic is fun and nice and good but when you get the frantic midnight calls from the kids or the bills are due and you have no money or you just need to know you’re both there to weather the “terrible dailyness” of life that can and does occur, well it just didn’t cut it. Because if it had, it would still be there. But the dreaminess…oh the dreaminess…want to dream? Here’s your $5.00…you’re not done.

If you want to stay stuck and be the one person who can’t get over it, then have it. Have it your way.

But if you want to get over it, it takes choice. It takes determination. It takes a decision to go through it and move on.

Some people just don’t want to get over it and don’t want to get honest about that.

What is TOUGH to get over is the loss of the hopes and the dreams, the family and the white picket fence, but you STILL can get over that.

What feels like “I can’t get over this.” today is just the difficulty you are feeling…it doesn’t mean you can’t….it means you’re still in the thick of things.

the goal is to get over it as well as you’re going to….to do the work and feel the sadness and anger and all of the feelings…to get as far in the healing process as you can get and then LIVE YOUR LIFE to the BEST of your ability.

I’ve counseled people who have lost a child, and people who have had their lives wiped out by fire or flood or lost multiple relatives in accidents or had someone they love commit suicide. Or, even worse, a child goes missing and the case is never solved. Those are tough, tough losses and the grief is immense and intense. It takes a long time to climb up those hills and yet, they do the work and some day they manage to turn the page. They don’t forget their loss or their loved one. They don’t forget the good times but rather get to a place where it makes them smile instead of cry. That is integration. Integration of the loss into the fabric of your being and know that it has made you stronger. The stories of hope and determination and perservence and the indominable human spirit are OUT THERE. Look around and see it. There are some very bad losses in life and losing a bananahead is not at the top of it.

This is not to downplay your loss or your grief. EVERY SINGLE LOSS no matter how big or small must be grieved and must be worked through. But a breakup is not something that is going to upend you. Put it in perspective. Do your grief and move on. Stop saying you can’t. People overcome all kinds of things in this world and in this life. You can get over this breakup. Truly you can.

Remember, acceptance at the end of the grief process is NOT happiness…it’s acknowledging the loss and acknowledging that you have changed but deciding to go on anyway.

Acceptance means you’re not laying down, you’re not becoming a martyr…but it hurts and it’s hard…Acceptance is the place where you come to when you’ve done the work and know that you have changed. You might always be sad on some level…there might always be a hole, something missing, on some level…but you’re going to go on and be as happy as you can be even with that hole in your soul.

Your heart needs to go on.

You can’t sit around waiting for the feeling to take hold…waiting to be inspired to move on…you need to CHOOSE to move on and DECIDE to move on. You need to know you will be sad again, it may not ever completely heal, but you’re going to do your best to live your best life.

When the sadness comes, you sit with it, you honor it and your loss and then you continue moving on again.

You CAN get over it…there are many losses you never completely heal from but there are others that you do heal from…in both cases you do your work and put one foot in front of the other and be the best person you can be and live life to the best of your ability.

Many people channel their sense of loss into worthy and noble causes, rising up to meet the challenge of life and loss. If you work through a loss, truly work through it, you HAVE to change for the positive. You do. You can do it.

It IS possible to grow strong in broken places. Do your work, trust the process and you can do it.

Now give me back that $5.00.

smile

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Awesome, awesome post. Thank you for sharing that in it's entirety Donna. I needed that today also.

Now, let go of the victim mentality (I'm doing it too - you are NOT alone) and move forward. That hole in your heart will get smaller as you find things and people to fill it with!


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confused....to say the least!!!

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This was another article from that web site...I'm going to order the book today.

Quote:
12/29 TFTD ~ When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You
December 29, 2007 by Susan J. Elliott


It’s hard but it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.

Or

You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not.

Or

You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way.

Ever.

Or

You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.

Or

This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you’re left with a big pile of hurt. And it really hurts.


You go over your exchanges over and over in your mind. Where did it go wrong or fail to go right? What should you have done that you didn’t? What did you do that you shouldn’t have?

You feel rejected and less than. You feel as if there is something really wrong with you. You wonder what you could do to MAKE this person want you.

It’s frustrating if they are with a new person who doesn’t come close to being what you are. You seethe because this new person is a snake in the grass and your ex doesn’t see it. This new person is immature or unavailable or spoiled or just plain stupid. And your ex is enthralled none the less. What?

Or there is no one else and nothing else. This person just fell out of love one day. Or failed to fall in love on the day you did. That’s even more baffling. Wait. You’re choosing NOTHING over me? What?

Or your ex has spiraled into some other mindset. They’re depressed or upset or self-absorbed in some way. Wouldn’t you want someone to help carry the burden, you ask.

The answer is please leave me alone.

You’re freaking out. How is it that they want you to help by going away? WHAT?

The first emotion is disbelief. How can this be? How did I get here? How am I hurting over this person? Maybe your personality is draining away…you used to be fun and helpful and have a great sense of humor. Now you’re plain and dull and you’re boring all your friends with your sad refrain of unrequited love.

Part of you refuses to believe it. It CAN’T be so. Something will change. This is a phase. This is temporary. I’ll just sit here and wait for my love to smarten up and see the light. That is what I will do.

Better yet, I will change things. I will call him or her or text him or her. We will get into a big emotional conversation and I will persuade them that this is all wrong.

In the beginning it’s hardest to NOT do anything. You’re having trouble absorbing the news and the reality and before you feel the feelings of that reality you’re going to do your damndest to make it different or refuse to believe it.

Take your time but believe it. Let it slowly sink in and try to do the hardest thing there is to do: Nothing. Doing nothing in a situation like this takes energy. It takes a lot of energy. You will think you spend all your time NOT doing something. And that’s because you are.

Next come the feelings. You feel hurt, anger, betrayal. You feel rejected and less than. Your self-esteem is taking a hit from the feeling of rejection.

You might feel like a loser and begin to wonder how you can turn yourself into the person that this person will love.

Your mind may race with ideas. I’ll be quieter, thinner, happier. I won’t complain so much. I won’t rock the boat. I’ll like the insufferable family and friends that I couldn’t stand. I’ll go back to school. I’ll stop going to school. I’ll wear different clothes. I’ll buy a new car. I’ll get those allergy shots so I can be around that cat. I’ll work in a different industry. I’ll muzzle my kids. I’ll clean more. I’ll clean less. I’ll cook gourmet meals. I’ll listen when spoken to. I’ll go to bed earlier. I’ll go to bed later. I’ll go to church. I’ll stop going to church. I’ll pray. I’ll bargain with God. I’ll help the poor. I’ll devote myself to the eradication of world hunger. I’ll give my next paycheck to the church. I’ll join the Peace Corps. I’ll do anything, ANYTHING, if only You make this person come back. I’ll be everything You want me to be or everything this person wants me to be. I’ll do it all. I’ll do nothing. I’ll be more. I’ll be less. I’ll be everything and anything other than what I’m being right now. I’ll turn myself inside out to be the person he or she will love. I can do it. I will do it.

STOP.

Stop right there. Forget about changing for someone else. Forget about bargaining for what you should have without bribing whatever deity you believe in. Forget about changing your whole life just so this narrow-minded little bonehead will love you. FORGET IT.

Every relationship is a learning experience. We learn what parts of us could use improvement. But not because this person found them unattractive or irritating but because YOU found them unattractive or irritating.

What did you do in this relationship or around this person (if you weren’t in a relationship) that could improve? Think about it. Journal about it. Think about ways to change it. But DON’T change things in yourself just because this person didn’t like it. Maybe this person has no taste or doesn’t know a thing. Don’t think of changing for another person. Only change for you. It’s OKAY to accept someone’s constructive criticism if it’s spot on and will help you in the end, but if not, justREJECT IT.

When you are leaving a relationship where someone doesn’t love you anymore or failing to move further in a relationship because someone won’t or can’t love you or not getting into a relationship because someone isn’t attracted to you, there is aHIT to the self-esteem. It’s a rejection no matter how you slice it. And it’s a rejection that stings.

The first thing you need to do is to take it in stride. Easier said that done? Yes. Everything is easier said than done so that phrase is meaningless.

Taking it in stride means telling yourself that you are okay no matter what. Yes, there might be things that need improvement but it is a lovable, worthwhile person who is willing to look at those things and change them. And if this person does not value all that you are and all that you can be there is only one sentiment to go in that direction: THE HELL WITH THEM.

Seriously.

It is time to REJECT THE REJECTER. And his or her ridiculous standards of measurement. Perhaps this person doesn’t know what he or she is losing. Perhaps this person has NO IDEA how worthwhile you are and what value you can add to their life.

That is their problem, not yours. You don’t want anyone who doesn’t think you are the end-all, be-all of lovers. You just don’t want them. They are stuck in some goopy substance that does not allow them to move off their position and see how great you are. That is their problem and their loss.

You have to see that the rejecter should be rejected. Do you want someone without vision? Without appreciation of all that you are and all that you can be? No, you do not. You want someone who loves you and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to them. If this person doesn’t get that, then the hell with this person.

Stop talking to him or her. Stop trying to convince them otherwise. Stop waitng around for him or her to “get it.” The hell with anyone who doesn’t get it.

Or another possibility is that this person does recognize your value and how great you are but they are not in a place where they can be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over their previous relationship. Maybe their life choices (home, job, school) are up in the air. Maybe it’s not about you in any way. It still hurts but this is something you can’t change. Even if you think that if the shoe was on the other footYOU wouldn’t let such a catch get away, it doesn’t work that way for everyone. Some people simply can’t get there from here. Let them be. It’s not the right time and there is nothing you can do about it. Gently let it go. It’s hard and it hurts but gently let it go.

The bottom line is that you do not want someone who does not want you. That hurts and that stings. And that is not what love is all about. Don’t sit around waiting for this person to want you. Reject anyone who doesn’t want you. They are not worth it. The first prerequisite for love is to be mutual. Otherwise it’s not okay.Reject the rejecter.

Stephen Levine once said, “The road is hard. Love softens it.”

Requited love, mutual love, real love softens it.

And until that love comes from a romantic partner who values you and sees how wonderful you are, get that love from family, friends and YOURSELF. You MUST be good to yourself as you move on from someone who does not value you enough to want an exclusive, romantic relationship with you.

Because who knows what (or who) you are missing as you roll around in the mud with this numbskull. Get on with your life and become the person you always wanted to be.

GET READY for true love, real love, lasting love. Get ready for a relationship with yourself and THEN a relationship with a loving and appreciative person who WILLcome into your life once you learn to value YOU. And you start valuing you by rejecting the rejection and the rejecter. The hell with it.

Be good to yourself. Today and always. In a relationship or out of a relationship. Be good to you.

Do your affirmations.

Tell yourself that mr. or ms. right is OUT THERE and he or she will value you for the person you are. In the meantime work on whatever needs working on. Have your feelings…let them out…write about them, talk about them but allow yourself the feelings. Don’t contact this person who does not value you. Be grateful it did not go any further. Be glad you are letting go of someone who doesn’t value you. Their presence will not soften the hard road. Their presence will just make things harder and THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT IN A PARTNER.

In a partner we want someone to share life’s sorrows and joys. We want someone who is there day in and day out. If this person can’t handle us without a big problem in our lives, why would we think they could handle it? They can’t.

Let them go and hold on and hold out for someone who loves you for you. There ISthat person out there. Mr. or Ms. Right will never question your value. Will never not love you unconditionally. If this person has rejected you in some way, he or she isNOT the one for you.

You might think this person is perfect in every way. No this person is not. Because this person doesn’t WANT you and the person who is perfect will want you. Not wanting you and not appreciating you and the value you bring to someone’s life isNOT a little thing. It’s a big thing. And if this person doesn’t love you and doesn’t want you and doesn’t appreciate you, then they are not perfect and their flaw is a fatal flaw and you need to reject the rejecter. You must.

If you’re trying to “win” in some way, ask yourself why? Does this go back to childhood? Are you trying to win over a cold and rejecting parent or caretaker? Are you trying to prove your self-worth by showing the world that someone else wants you?

Don’t.

Journal about the things you are trying to “win” over. Journal about how locked into this struggle you are. Is it really about this person and this period in time or does it go way way way back? Stop re-injuring yourself. Reject this rejecter and every rejecter that came before. Do your affirmations. Know that you are worth it. The hell with all the rejecters.

Even if you love this person, this person does not love you….and the person for you will love you. Deeply and Completely.

It exists.

It happens.

It is possible.

In the meantime you MUST MUST MUST be good to you and know your value and understand your value and get your value from inside you and not outside.

Be good to you.

Move on from rejection. Feel your feelings. Reject the rejecter.

Celebrate the you that is you.

And know that the right person for you is out there.

Peace,
Susan

Note: I hate to put this here but since this is the most popular post on GPYP and has been lifted on several websites. I pour my heart and soul into this blog and I have to post this.

This is an original GPYP posting authored and copyrighted by Susan J. Elliott, Esq. The expression “Reject the rejector” is an original GPYP quote and the trademark application is pending. If you use this expression without crediting, it is a trademark violation.

If you take significant portions of this post, it is plagiarism. If you rewrite it in your words but still follow the same outline and sentiment it is PLAGIARISM.

If you repost it without crediting it to Susan J. Elliott, Esq., it is copyright infringement and is actionable under the laws of these United States. Please review my copyright policy. As an attorney, I will enforce my legal rights aggressively.

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Thanks Donna that first post was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I will keep it close and read it everyday smile


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Amen.


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PA5/07
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D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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This is the link to the blog where those articles came from. The writer has asked that articled not be reposted in their entirety; only the beginning and then a link. I can't go back and edit, but I want to give credit where it is due. It seems to be a wonderful site, and I will be getting the book, too.

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/

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Love that! Reject the rejecter! So true.


Me: 46 FWS: 36
Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07
Baby Girl born 3/08
Kicked him out because OW: 7/08
5/10 He realized what he had and lost.
Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
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Wow - what a wonderful post! Thanks so much for sharing it. I think I need to read it everyday. Thanks again!

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There is going to be a Saturday meeting in midtown Manhattan on Saturdays if enough people sign up called Heartbreak Bootcamp - covers the concepts in her book in 6 weekly sessions. Go to that web site to show interest if you think you might want to go (I think she wants to start sometime in March).

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Donna, I'm with you . This article - which I only skimmed fast - overwhelmed me, hit me square in the solar plexus. What a great site it's from. What a great gift from Gyps.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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