Here's a question for you: Do you think your STBXW is wondering about some of the same things about you as you are about her? Just curious as I have often wondered the same myself in my own sitch.
This I wonder about, and then realize I am leaving to much room in my head for stbxw. I like to think so, but when I do, I realize it's really about me, and if she didn't, that somehow I would be less of a man or something, or if she did, would that make me happy in some way?
who really knows? I am not about to ask her, so waste of my time to wonder, so I just put those thoughts away, and move back to things I want to do for d9 and me, and move on..
I'm doing the same thing. I refuse to give my H that much of my energy and time by wondering what he's thinking, feeling, doing, etc. And it's not even a conscious effort, I just don't think about him right now. Because "it just doesn't matter"... (Thank you, Bill Murray! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3S_k1dRbXY)
I don't think I even miss him now. I got my kids, my rabbit and my dog- that makes me pretty happy...
Here's a question for you: Do you think your STBXW is wondering about some of the same things about you as you are about her? Just curious as I have often wondered the same myself in my own sitch.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
This I wonder about, and then realize I am leaving to much room in my head for stbxw. I like to think so, but when I do, I realize it's really about me, and if she didn't, that somehow I would be less of a man or something, or if she did, would that make me happy in some way?who really knows? I am not about to ask her, so waste of my time to wonder, so I just put those thoughts away, and move back to things I want to do for d9 and me, and move on..
I'm doing the same thing. I refuse to give my H that much of my energy and time by wondering what he's thinking, feeling, doing, etc. And it's not even a conscious effort, I just don't think about him right now. Because "it just doesn't matter"... (Thank you, Bill Murray! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3S_k1dRbXY)I don't think I even miss him now. I got my kids, my rabbit and my dog- that makes me pretty happy...
Good for both of you. Atta way! And Bunny, thanks for the Bill Murray. It was great and I needed it just about now.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Here's a question for you: Do you think your STBXW is wondering about some of the same things about you as you are about her? Just curious as I have often wondered the same myself in my own sitch.
This I wonder about, and then realize I am leaving to much room in my head for stbxw.
My answer exactly!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Today has been an oddity at times, so journaling about them.
So last night, I had a long dream that stbxw and I were getting back together. Ugh, those are annoying, but I understand it's probably just part of the process of getting over her, so I am not sad or angry, just accept that they still show up at times..
I try not to pay attention to what stbxw is doing while I am picking up d9, but it's hard not to notice these things..
Picked up d9 this AM, and the stbxw is oddly quiet when I pick her up. She makes a point to not attempt to even speak to me. Ok, whatever.
And once again, after about 5 minutes of wandering around the living room/kitchen while making sure to not speak to me, as I collect d9 and get her stuff ready, she goes and grabs her sunglasses again, and pins her hair up with them.
I just don't get that, it's several times that she has done this. It's like 10 degrees and cloudy out....
Oh well, these things don't effect me emotionally any more, I notice, just odd.
I miss our dog, and boy was she happy to see me! She is an Alaskan malamute that I swear has intelligence I have never seen in a dog before. She can barely contain herself when I come in, and runs in circles, and tries to press practically through me as she buts up against me to get close for some kisses and pat's!
The reason I am bringing up our dog, was as I was getting ready to leave, she was sitting on the couch watching d9 and I, and she let out these 2 whelps that I have never heard from her before, as if she was almost in pain/sad about us leaving, because she then jumped down and ran to the door to try and press past it to go out with us.
That was strange and sad, and I do miss her, she has so much personality!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
And once again, after about 5 minutes of wandering around the living room/kitchen while making sure to not speak to me, as I collect d9 and get her stuff ready, she goes and grabs her sunglasses again, and pins her hair up with them.
I just don't get that, it's several times that she has done this. It's like 10 degrees and cloudy out....
Let me guess... the sunglasses- are they the big bug-eyed type? My STBXW does the same thing. I think they are mandatory accessories for all WAWs going through mid life crisis. Speaking of accessories, does your STBXW like boots too? I've been seeing my STBXW running around with boots pulled up over her jeans lately.... wearing one of those white ski bunny bimbo jackets. Mind you we are in Northern California and it's presently in the mid-sixties. The first time I saw her in this costume I just about laughed out loud, she looked ridiculous, like someone ready to jump on a plane to Aspen. I think the only thing she was missing were the furry ear muffs and 4 foot long white wool scarf. Glad I didn't laugh though because afterwards I just felt bad for her- clearly her EA/PA has morphed into MLC. Sad and frustrating but again there is nothing either of us can do to help our Ws.
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I miss our dog, and boy was she happy to see me! She is an Alaskan malamute that I swear has intelligence I have never seen in a dog before. She can barely contain herself when I come in, and runs in circles, and tries to press practically through me as she buts up against me to get close for some kisses and pat's!
The reason I am bringing up our dog, was as I was getting ready to leave, she was sitting on the couch watching d9 and I, and she let out these 2 whelps that I have never heard from her before, as if she was almost in pain/sad about us leaving, because she then jumped down and ran to the door to try and press past it to go out with us.
That was strange and sad, and I do miss her, she has so much personality!
Excellent breed! My first dog as a young boy was a female Malamute. A very good, intelligent and fiercely loyal dog. Our 16 year old family cat passed away a few weeks ago and was clearly stressed this entire past year with the tension between my W and I. I feel for the pets almost as much as I do the kids in sitchs like ours- they are often very sensitive to the emotional dynamics in the household and have a hard time as well.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
Hey BJ, thanks for Checking in man, hope you are well..
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Sad and frustrating but again there is nothing either of us can do to help our Ws.
True enough, and yes, my stbxw has been out shoe and cloth shopping. She came into our first court date in some really fine and nice spike high heel leather boots. In another dimension, I would have complimented her on them, but in IWITW's current world, not a chance. However, I still am letting her have to much room in my head, so still a work in progress..
Wanted to post some other stuff:
At times, we lbs get paid visit by o'dog's black dog, and he hops up for some attention and growls while doing so..
For me, it's every few weeks when I have to sit down and deal with the financial mess, and then pay for my stbxw's bills in 'our' old house. I have had to start fending off banks for payments now, and dealing with weekly calls from them, and wondering where I am going to get money to keep them at bay. I also look to my bank balance, and hope to have money to pay for groceries, and that my car doesn't break.
Having to live with the reality of someone else's decisions like this, is a time for that black dog to maul me, and tough to fend off...
It's a reminder to us all, that we are not 'rocks' but we are human, and we also have feelings and emotions that must be dealt with. We can DB as best we can, cope with the decisions we have in front of us.
We must accept these emotions, rather than suppress them, as these situations are not easy, are not totally of our making, and are certainly understandable given where we are.
Being mindfully aware of them, is the process to move through them. Understanding the thoughts that generate them help to become mindful of them, and allow them to exist without giving them destructive power over us.
Not every day will we be perfect, or perfectly mindful, but even that is a chance to be mindful with yourself, that you are human and not perfect, and accept your faults and feelings as part of who you are.
I hope to become better of mindfully managing these feelings, and in turn being a good role model to pass along to my d9.
I may not be perfect at it, but perfection is not the goal.
To steal line from Snarch, my goal is to:
"Tolerate discomfort for personal growth"
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
It hurts man, plain and simple. We used to be married...we used to be a family! I understand your visits by the black dog. We didn't choose this...but it's what we got. We gotta handle it with strength, wisdom, unconditional love, and compassion...for ourselves and our kiddos!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Speaking of accessories, does your STBXW like boots too? I've been seeing my STBXW running around with boots pulled up over her jeans lately.... wearing one of those white ski bunny bimbo jackets. Mind you we are in Northern California and it's presently in the mid-sixties. The first time I saw her in this costume I just about laughed out loud, she looked ridiculous, like someone ready to jump on a plane to Aspen. I think the only thing she was missing were the furry ear muffs and 4 foot long white wool scarf. Glad I didn't laugh though because afterwards I just felt bad for her- clearly her EA/PA has morphed into MLC. Sad and frustrating but again there is nothing either of us can do to help our Ws.
However, I still am letting her have to much room in my head, so still a work in progress..