Wow, found my thread back on page 4...guess things are going ok. Got over my cold and my son got it, poor thing. But he was better in time for midterms starting today, too, so at least he isn't behind. Well, not behind in taking the tests, anyway. He is still not doing well in his classes, and until he gets some internal motivation, there is a limit on what influence I will be able to have. He already has the consequence of being off the ROTC drill team until the grades improve, and missed a snowboarding trip.
Even with all that, though, our relationship is still pretty good. He talks to me about his life, his thoughts. Its a fine line - I want him to feel comfortable talking to me, but he also has to respect my position of authority and not argue EVERY little decision I make (he might be a tad too comfortable, you know?)
Anyway, kids will be away for the weekend and I have lots to catch up on.
I've got a lot of things going in the right direction in my life, but others still need work. I have no energy. I feel like my body is still trying to make up for the nearly two years of insomnia - I am tired all the time, and taking naps too often. I am watching my diet/caffine, but something else has to work. I know exercise might help, but I can't get the energy to even start. I'm on the lowest-dose of effexor, now, and really want to wean off the rest of the way in the coming weeks. I have to make an appt with the psych to get the schedule - maybe she'll have some ideas about the energy.
I have lots of PLANS for being organized, but am still procrastinating in actually DOING a bunch of it! My time management sucks. I want a magic wand.
On a positive note, things at work are going smoother - I am back to normal capacity (nothing above and beyond just yet, but that's ok). SO glad to be back "in the game" there. Its hard to teach little kids when they sense that you aren't 100%. I need to get back to my grad studies, but I'm really apprehensive to take the classes back on just now - seems like I'm balancing a little more precariously than I would like. It has to happen soon, though - I need to finish for my license.
Balance....still trying to find it, I think. I want to make more time for friends, doing things, but there is all this other stuff that I have to get done.
The undercurrent of being divorced, all that I went through, missing that life, has gotten much quieter. It is still there, though, and shows itself more in my dreams. Like they say, seems to be a matter of time.
A thought just broke through while I am sitting here: I asked myself if I am happy...
I am growing. I am learning. I am striving to become a better person. I am loving my kids. I have moments of laughter - feels good to be able to laugh again. I have many blessings, including my family and friends, church, a home, a job, pets, being able to get outside and enjoy nature...
But I don't know if I can say that I am happy....not yet.
All good questions to ask yourself. The real goal is answering the question, "If I'm not really happy, what do I need to do to feel happy? What is my next step?"
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
my bible quaterly talked about happiness vs joy... how happiness depends on circumstances... how joy is an internal peace that is with you even if the world is upside down... that the peace God gives you is the kind no one else can give.
So, sometimes we will have our bad days... but the important thing is that we have peace in our hearts
Quote:
...happiness is as predictable as a harvest. Inward joy defeats discouragement, happiness covers it up. Inward joy is lasting; happiness is temporary. Joy is a delight that runs deeper than pain or pleasure"
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
"I have no energy. I feel like my body is still trying to make up for the nearly two years of insomnia - I am tired all the time, and taking naps too often. I am watching my diet/caffine, but something else has to work. I know exercise might help, but I can't get the energy to even start."
Donna, I can empathize totally with you here. I'm personally sick of feeling tired! I have a couple of good days and then BANG I'm hit with feeling exhausted, sore etc. It comes and goes. It gets discouraging indeed. If you're like me, you want it to go away NOW so you can have the life you want back. PATIENCE is apparently the key...so I hear (LOL). As far as exercise goes, I ordered some Qi Gong DVD's (Google it!). It's relaxing and energizing at the same time. If you want to try it just be careful you don't overdo it because it seems so easy to do. I ordered the DVD's from ExerciseToHeal.com and the fellow who does them, Lee Holden, is on PBS regularly. Give them a try if you want to start out exercising but don't want to be wacked out afterwards. Hang in there!
I made an appt today to get a physical - came home from work with a headache and laid down to let the ibuprophen work, and slept 2.5 hours! I can't do this anymore...
On another note....
In the place between being awake and asleep, x is still there. A lot.
Once, he told me that he wasn't the one hurting me, anymore.
In the dream, I told him he was. He hurts me everyday that he is gone, everyday that he has turned away from the vows he made, everyday that he has left all of us to live in this broken family. He hurts me, and he hurts his children. I'm not going to die from these hurts (even though I thought for a long time that I would). The kids won't, either. But they are there, and they are things that we deal with on a daily basis. Chronic wounds...you learn to live with it, but it never completely heals.
I want to ask him, Was it all worth it? Are you so ecstatically happy that it warrants what life I am left with, what life the children are left with, your parents, family and friends? How do you knowingly hurt your children like this - I will never, ever understand this.
And why the continued animosity, the undercurrent of lashing out? Are you still trying to convince me that you are an a$$hole? Do you really see me as some evil b1tch that you are lucky to be away from/unlucky to have even infrequent dealings with?
So many have said that time will do this for me, make the pain stop.......I really don't think it will at this point. Is it as sharp, as all-consumming as it once was? No, I don't think anyone could survive that level for very long. So it becomes dull, an undercurrent. It is more than three years since the bomb. Just about 2.5 years since he moved out and didn't look back. Just about 1.5 years since the divorce was final.
I grieve....this is not the way things should be. This was so unnecessary. And I don't know how to turn off love.
I want to talk to him. I miss the man I used to know.
I want to ask him, Was it all worth it? Are you so ecstatically happy that it warrants what life I am left with, what life the children are left with, your parents, family and friends? How do you knowingly hurt your children like this - I will never, ever understand this.
This is exactly what I feel too. Was it worth all the pain and destruction... Why?
Donna, the reality is that it will never leave us to some degree or another. It is a part of who we are, you just learn to deal with it better. Time does not heal all wounds, it's what we do with that time that will dictate our healing. Once again, you've had a dip (and those damn headaches sure don't help keep you thinking good thoughts, do they!) Get some rest!!! Tomorrow is a new day, you've beat this before and you'll beat it again. The rollercoaster just keeps on rollin' but the dips will get further apart and won't be as deep. Hang on, Donna!
Google 'getting past your past'. There's a site that has lots of great advice that I've been finding helpful. Also "Getting Past Your Breakup" is another great book.
DB and DR help with the process. This next step of getting past what was uses many of the same techniques but in ways that truly help me let go.. go.. go.
