Soaring Solo 2010

[Gardener]

antlers,

It is pretty sad to allow pride and the feeling of "it is too late now" to get in the way of a possible reconciliation.

Agreed.

Yep. My curiosity and my WTF is up, but my hopes are not.

Hey Gardener, I can so relate to the things you've writtn here.

Yep. Probably universal to all of our sitches.
Not holding out hope, but we'll see. I've always said that I believe I will be fine, ultimately but that my dear friend is in for a big fall, eventually. Maybe it's started early.
Thanks, antlers.

[Dane]

Keep us posted. I agree the fall will come. Good luck my friend, I hope and pray you find happiness.

[sandi2]

Hi Gardner. I consider it a real compliment to be invited to come by your thread. I don’t feel qualified to really give advice when the stitch has gone this far, but guess that doesn’t stop me from giving my opinion.

I tried to put myself in your W’s place and wonder how she feels right now. I believe that “reality” in what she has fought to accomplish….is hitting her in the face. I don’t think she really wants wants to call anything off or to reconcile. I don’t think that she’s reached the place that she truly knows that for a fact. She is probably a bit scared and I think very, very sad. She may be "fishing" to see if she can determine if you've gone soft or not. Glad to see you stand your ground.

I think if it were me and my H, I would be terribly sad over the fact that we “could” have been such a terrific couple and had such a solid M, but we didn’t do what we needed to do to save it.

I compare it to going to the funeral home and seeing the body of a loved one. When you walk in and see them for the first time, it just hits so hard that they are really dead. Sorry for using this particular comparison, but that is how I see this situation. I think your W is seeing the death of this M and she may feel a certain amount of shock. But I don’t know, really, since I’ve not personally gone through it. But, I do believe she is having “sad” emotions to over-ride the angry feelings right now, and maybe she’s just in a “state”, so to speak.

I have to agree with Kerry. IMHO, I think it would probably be best to move forward with your plans. If……IF…..she really wants a R with you, then she should have to fight like h3ll to get you. And after all that she has done to hurt this M and all the R’s in the family, I’m thinking there would be a lot of healing and C to be done.

It’s bad to go through all that a couple does to get a D only to discover that wasn’t what was desired in the long run. However, as so many have discussed before, that is what it often takes for some people to get their eyes open. I think that she’ll be sad and may even secretly want you to charge in on your white horse at the last minute to stop the D, but I don’t think she wants it badly enough to do the work she needs to do to reconcile. (I always hope I’m wrong about these sorts of things.) The only way I see a healthy future with her would be “after” a D and an entirely new R develop.

I believe you are going to be okay. More than okay! I believe that you have already been grieving over the death of this M, so you have some of that behind you. It’s a matter of letting that last part go. I think that good-bye email you sent was very well stated. I’m glad you didn’t validate her about anything that time, b/c she needed to hear just what you said!

Once the D takes place, I think you’ll feel free and be able to be happier than you’ve been in a while. You deserve it, friend. I think all of us would agree that we just want what “you” want.

Take care,
Sandi

[iwantittowork]

Hey G-man, I think Sandi nailed it there.

I can only offer my insights to you from my sitch in comparison, fwiw..

I have thought a lot about this in my sitch, who the current stbx iwitw is, and why would I ever want that back? Or even the previous Mrs. IWITW, as that didn't work either..

So, Stbx Ms G should have to fight hard for the current Mr G. Would you want her back in present WAS form? I don't think so. Nor would you really want back the old Mrs. G either, because that didn't work either.

It may be incorrect to think about it this way, but I have recently formed the opinion, or view, that there are 3 "people" in a MR, or any healthy committed R now. Two stable and strong individuals, and the 3rd party is the MR itself, which requires nurturing and work from both of the individuals.

It helps me to think about the three as separate, as you can see that if only 1 works on the R, it can't last and will wither away. Although there will be times when 1 or the other puts more effort into the R to keep it alive, and that should ebb and flow..

Keeping you in my thoughts, stay strong and focused on what G-man wants right now..

[Gardener]

Thank you, Sandi,

You "got' most of what I feel and all of which I needed to hear validated.
My WTF radar was up far more than my hopes were; my hopes, actually weren't up at all.

And if she wanted to Reconcile, there would be an awful lot she would have to say, do, apologize for, explain and start making serious amends for. At this point, I don't think that much backtracking, that much repairing is even possible anymore.

And even if it were, I don't know if I could ever be "there" again.

Besides, all I've seen is two recent instances of speaking - of words - on her part. No action or concrete steps taken at all.

I am quite far along in the grieving process. Now to face full-on, unemotionally, the undeniable fact that she no longer is - or perhaps never was - the person I once loved beyond measure.

I really appreciate you stopping by and I greatly admire all the "drive-by" DBing good you do for people here.

[Gardener]

Thanks, iwitw, I think you nailed it here:

So, Stbx Ms G should have to fight hard for the current Mr G. Would you want her back in present WAS form? I don't think so. Nor would you really want back the old Mrs. G either, because that didn't work either.

The three 3 "people" in an R theory/approach is quite good, too.

Thanks.

[SpyBunny]

That e-mail sounded very eloquent, Gardener- well done. I'm glad you gave her something to think about, and that maybe she actually heard you. I hope she really thinks about it.

I wish you well this week, take good care of yourself.

Hugs, Bunny

[Gardener]

Thank you, Bunny.

[antlers]

That was a good sign-off Gardener. I think it's important for us to do things that make us feel good, as long as it's not detrimental to us. Regardless of the effect it has on WAS, we need to start doing more and more things for ourselves. And not even think about the effect, if any, that it had on the WAS.

[Gardener]

thanks, antlers.
An, boy, are you spot-on with the rest.