sorry for the hijack Pearl... flylady has nothing to do with DB it is a website to help you keep your home clean and organized... www.flylady.org She suggests 15 min at a time. It's really good stuff.
I'm having a rough day. It started yesterday actually and ended up with me crying myself to sleep.
Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? The episode on Monday talked about how in each couple one person is the reacher and one is the settler. The reacher knows his/her partner is out of his/her league and s/he can't get anyone better. The settler knows this and therefore doesn't worry about the reacher cheating because s/he can't get anyone better. BF and I were watching the show and I felt a little twinge but passed it over.
Yesterday I saw that one of my FB friends posted that he's a reacher and he's fine with it. That prompted me to say that I think I'm the settler but not to tell BF. I meant it to be funny, but another friend took the opportunity to tell me what he thinks of my sitch. I got this message from him:
Ok,since you brought it up, I'll say this once, and you can do with it what you will:
Yes, I think you settled. You are about a thousand times above BF's station AND he cheated on you? I normally don't stick my nose in but you didn't seem happy when you were out here.
You're smart, beautiful and talented. I'd say you deserve better. Dump his ass, move to San Francisco and be happy.
There, I said it. Do with it what you will. You will always have my friendship whatever you decide.
Love you,
C
C is friend from HS so he knows me well and for a long time. He hasn't said anything before this.
I've pretty much been a wreck ever since. This whole time we've been piecing I've been going back and forth as to whether or not this is the right R for me now. Sometimes I think I want to stick it out because when you love someone and are committed to them that means working through the bad times. I never finish anything and I want to finish this because it's important. I don't want to give up just because it's difficult.
On the other hand, I wonder if I just stay because it's comfortable and change is scary. If I leave I will relocate and basically have to start out all over again with nothing. I don't know that I will ever fully trust BF again and if I'm willing to live that way for the rest of my life. That wouldn't be fair to either one of us. It doesn't help that I wonder about what my life would be like on my own or with someone else. I know that I could find someone else and maybe someone better suited to me. But I also know that I could end up alone and don't know if that would be better if I was being true to myself.
So basically I'm still stuck. Had a pow wow with my BFF this morning and she said she feels like we've been having this same conversation for a year. She's right, we have. And I'm no closer to knowing which way to turn.
I think it's time I suck it up and somehow, somewhere find the money for IC. I'm just tired of being indecisive, I need to pick a direction and go with it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm having a rough day. It started yesterday actually and ended up with me crying myself to sleep.
I may be a guy. But I have had moments like this also. There are good days and bad days. Just gotta try and get through the bad days and then enjoy the good days.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Yes, IC does sound as though it would be a beneficial thing to do, for you.
I just wanted to weigh in on the trust issue. Over on Marriagebuilders there's a piece in which (Dr Harley) says we should never fully give our trust to anyone. If we assume/trust our spouse will never cheat on us, that leads us to stop continually working on our R. He adds, heck, can he ever be sure he can trust himself? Without constant work, we become complacent, but it's not good to take our S or our R for granted. So a new R wouldn't really solve the problem.
In my own M, post-MLC and OW, I decided that I could never entirely be sure whether my H deserves my trust. As long as he is relaxed, affectionate, undepressed, I can be pretty sure he's not secretly reconnecting with OW, but at times when he's stressed out and grumpy it's harder to tell. So, I determined that whether or not he is trustworthy is his issue, not mine. I will act as though I trust him (ie. not get all insecure and questioning when he's standing outside the car texting someone in the dark, or whatever). If it ever turns out that he betrayed my trust again, that would have been his choice, and our R would be over. But I choose to act like a person who is trusting behaves, because I do not want to see myself as forever "broken" by something another person did.
I don't know if that helps. I'm not sure, by the way, that I believe that one person in each R is out of the other's league. I tend to think that we choose people who complement us, who are our equal-but-opposite, who can help us learn the lessons we need to learn (which goes both ways).
Wow, pearl, I totally relate to the back-forth-stuck feeling.
You have all asked why BF and I never married after 23 years.
I couldn't commmit. I wasn't sure. I would get huge anxiety thinking--is this the right guy? I gave myself lots of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" about being with the same guy since college. Maybe I should explore more??!! Maybe he should?
But I would get huge anxiety and cry when I thought about leaving.
Add in feeling guilty because I had taken up so much of his life, so the only ethical thing to do was continue on--not the clearest thinking, but that's what it felt like.
So STUCK and SCARED for probably 19 of 23 years. And in love, and happy and having a great life and conflicted at the same time.
What changed? about 4 years ago I started on lexapro for general anxiety.
Suddenly, without the constant churning, self doubt, energy draining anxiety-- I was able to feel happy and content, and really feel love for BF.
But--without addressing the underlying issues, as I am now doing with IC, I couldn't break the fear and the patterns of our R to express that love more fully and even talk about getting M.
And here we are now.
So...if in any way in the midst of the churning you can find time/money for meds, or meditation, or IC, or whatever it takes to make the space in your mind to see if you can see what you want--I truly hope you can do that.
I feel your feelings right in my stomach.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
It sounds like finding a way to attend IC would be a good step for you right now. Does your BF have a plan thru work? That is how we are doing it...
Those are big questions and totally understandable. I find myself waffling around those questions myself. And, honestly, if we didn't have kids I don't know where I would land. The kids and the family life we have had all these years keeps me more firmly in the "stay and work on things" camp, but there are days when I wonder...
I wish I had something to offer here... It's hard when we are where other DB'ers would like to be and that find we have days we are not sure we want to be here... It is so hard.
I am thinking of you. I think the key is you need to figure out what is good for YOU. That could go either way, and IC could really help you sort that out.
I read through your thread about a month ago... I can totally relate to how you feel. But I am so glad you put it out there as it has helped me immensely to know that I am not the only one with those feelings.
And thanks for all the support you provided me and telling me to listen to my "gut feelings".
