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11 days NC . Here are some things that I think I have figured out…

1. I cannot fix this. My H is the only one with the power to fix himself and presently our relationship.
2. I am lucky that my H did not move home since his MLC is not finished. I would have been miserable if he had moved back plus he probably would have left again. He was nowhere near ready to move back and deep down I knew it.
3. I have to let my H go for my own self-preservation. I cannot live my life solely on his terms and he isn’t ready to agree to any of my terms.
4. It might be that the only way my H will figure things out is if he is completely on his own without me around to cloud the picture.
5. The only way we could restore this relationship is if my H finishes his crisis and wants to fully commit to the relationship. I don’t see that happening anytime soon. . I cannot go back to the way things were before. I cannot put myself out there only to be hurt again without reassurance that things would be different.
6. My H is weak and avoidant. I have known this for a very long time and I believe he knows it too. He would rather just go on living the way he is than to address his own issues…even if that means losing me. That is hard for me to swallow since I truly believed he did not want to lose me.

So where does this leave me? It appears our relationship is over (at least for now). I need to start living my life that way. So, it is back to the drawing board and work on me some more. Time to find new hobbies and new friends…and I may actually consider dating. I wasn’t happy living in limboland and life is too short not to be happy right?…hmmm…that sounds like I am having a MLC!

Any thoughts?

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Quote:
that sounds like I am having a MLC!
NO

Sounds like a LBS and GAL


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job Offline
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OP,
I second that!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Upside. I am actually doing well. Once I let go and moved on life got a whole lot easier. I too had to realize that my h was never coming home. I was on him when are you moving back, what is it going to take, yada yada yada, now it doesn't matter.

I actually have a much better R with my h now. We are in it for the kids. We are both adults and realize that some things are just meant to be. Not neccessarily the way I wanted it to go, but the realization like you said is I can't fix my h, nor can I make him come home and be with me. Once I came to that conclusion, was when life started to fall into place.

I do believe my h is still a good guy, just not the guy for me. We differ in values and the bottom line is I didn't make my h happy. Now my philosophy is that you marry for life and you make it work, but I can't put that on someone that doesn't have the same feelings and thoughts about marriage.

Life does get better it just takes awhile!

Last edited by glamgirl; 01/15/10 03:58 AM.

Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
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OP & snodderly-I take that as a comfirmation that I am doing the right thing. Thanks.

glam-
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
I too had to realize that my h was never coming home.
I don't know that I am quite ready to shut that door completely. I am just living my life. I do believe that my H will realize his mistake someday, who knows where I will be by then. Glad you are doing well. Have you filed? Are you dating?

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Originally Posted By: Upside
11 days NC . Here are some things that I think I have figured out…

1. I cannot fix this. My H is the only one with the power to fix himself and presently our relationship.
2. I am lucky that my H did not move home since his MLC is not finished. I would have been miserable if he had moved back plus he probably would have left again. He was nowhere near ready to move back and deep down I knew it.
3. I have to let my H go for my own self-preservation. I cannot live my life solely on his terms and he isn’t ready to agree to any of my terms.
4. It might be that the only way my H will figure things out is if he is completely on his own without me around to cloud the picture.
5. The only way we could restore this relationship is if my H finishes his crisis and wants to fully commit to the relationship. I don’t see that happening anytime soon. . I cannot go back to the way things were before. I cannot put myself out there only to be hurt again without reassurance that things would be different.
6. My H is weak and avoidant. I have known this for a very long time and I believe he knows it too. He would rather just go on living the way he is than to address his own issues…even if that means losing me. That is hard for me to swallow since I truly believed he did not want to lose me.

So where does this leave me? It appears our relationship is over (at least for now). I need to start living my life that way. So, it is back to the drawing board and work on me some more. Time to find new hobbies and new friends…and I may actually consider dating. I wasn’t happy living in limboland and life is too short not to be happy right?…hmmm…that sounds like I am having a MLC!

Any thoughts?
[quote]

Wow this is some list! I wish someone had written it when I was here the first time around because everything listed hits home.

As far as #2 goes, you got your answer to that loud and clear when H himself went dark. Believe me when he is done you will know it.

I lead Divorce Care classes. I've seen what it does to people to have a walkaway decide prematurely that they are done with their crisis and to move home only to leave a second time. Not only does it land you back in that very dark place that we fight so hard to get out of, but what it does to us emotionally is even worse.

I used to constantly tell myself that I have to live as if he was never coming back. Eventually this does get easier and eventually I started to accept the fact that he probably wasn't coming back. Believe me, this makes living and moving ahead so much easier and happier.

I agree with Glamgirl as well with one exception. I never say never, I just go with the flow and I'm not talking about where your H is concerned, but more with life in general.

*HUGS*

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OP & snodderly-I take that as a comfirmation that I am doing the right thing.
IMHO I think you are doing the right things. You have to do what is right for you. What your gut says. If this is what you want then do it. The LBS gets to decide whether to accept back the MLC'er. The MLC'er gets to decide when they are coming back.
You can not decide the timing or push it faster but you can decide what YOU want.


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Never is a pretty strong word and may not be the exact, but it was more about me than him. I realized that I wanted more and deserved more. I was always left feeling like I was thrown a bone now and then. My h would come over spend time with me and the kids when it was convenient for him, but just wasn't willing to move home and make it work.

The more this went on the more resentment I built up. My h was always telling me he didn't want to come home and that I just didn't listen. Finally, I lost the desire to want him home anymore. It was like tugging and pulling on a rope and never winning. I always walked away feeling like I wasn't good enough and was left empty inside. That went on long enough until I finally snapped. The light bulb went on and I finally realized that my h didn’t want to be with me. If he did he would be in the home and making it work. I am sure there is much more to it than this, but without my h sharing and opening up nothing could ever be resolved. It has been 4 years for me. I had to evaluate where my life was at and what I wanted out of it. So you see, it’s not about h’s timeline when I say never it’s about my timeline. I had enough and so that is why it’s a never for me.

Everything is progressing forward. Let me repeat, it’s not what I wanted for my life, but I didn’t have anymore options. My h didn’t want to move home period. Now he may want that someday, but the someday was what I was no longer willing to accept. I could have been at that for 10+ years. No dating. Still working on me and evaluating who would make a life long partner.

The sadness creeps in now and then, but not for me but for the brokenness that has been left for my children. At least, I am finally at peace. The waiting, wondering, wanting is finally over. H and I make good business partners but not good life long partners for each other, if that makes sense. I am finally ok with that. I do strongly believe I will make a good life long partner for the right person and that is why values are so important in my next relationship.

Sometimes in life you have to do what you feel in your heart is the best decision. I know what I want, now it’s just a matter of getting what I want.

Last edited by glamgirl; 01/15/10 04:21 PM.

Me 50
H 42
S 22
S 9
D 7
M 12
T 17
H moved out 8/2006
H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks
H moved home 5/2011 for good

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Originally Posted By: glamgirl
We differ in values and the bottom line is I didn't make my h happy.



This sentence really hit home for me. I always thought my H and I wanted the same thing. Even in this state he is in, I'm beginning to wonder if (because he has been able to do what he's done) there is too big of a difference in our values to ever make this work. Kind of a hard thing to admit.

Up - I hope you have some fun things planned for your weekend.


Me 45
M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08
D 18, D 14, S 12


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Upside

its been such a long road of almost 3 years now right?
you sound in a good place
moving on a bit with the door still open
maybe your H justs needs a little more time to figure it out
and in the meantime you can set yourself free from limboland
it was never in our hands although you handed it very well
you never know what it will take for him to be totally done and at the same time , you never know where you will be at that time
peace


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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