Start of the end..

[antlers]

Since it's your day to have your daughter, go to the party, and stay in the background...just let your little one know that you're there. Be there for her.
Text her mother and say "OK, I'll see d8 on Saturday at the party then." Plan on taking the child back with you, unless she wants to stay. If she wants to go with you, then take her on your day as planned. If she wants to stay, then let d8 know it's OK, and tell her you'll pick her up on Sunday then.
Don't let the child's mom make the decision...forget your text in your above post. You make the decision. Your child's mom went ahead and made the decision, without any input from you, to schedule her party on your day to have her. Forget whether or not if she is expecting to reply...reply as I've said above. This is your decision...it's your response to a decision that she made without taking you into consideration.
Be strong for your kid. Good luck.

[iwantittowork]

I understand your point Ant, and I'll probably drop my response above and at least reword it.

However, we have no set schedule for me picking up d8. We agreed that we will work with our schedules and allow flexibility when needed. I take my d8 every weekend, which is more than the 'normal' enforced schedule would be, but with implicitly stating between us that there may be days that one may want d8 for events, etc, because of this.

This is one of those cases, we spoke briefly about it a week or so prior, and I am fine with StBXW having her for the party. They will both have a great time!

With her email though, StBXW is waiting to see how I'll respond, no doubt, or she would state what she wants. It's an interesting position. If I go, she can say, 'see we can be friends' without actually saying anything about it, plus get me to help with a party I had nothing to do with.

I can go and just be there without helping, but that will be completely uncomfortable for all and take away from d8's b-day party.

Or, because I don't want to be around StBXW I can elect to not go, and pick her up after the party.

I am still giving it some thought, no decision yet, and thanks for your thoughts..

[bright_new_day]

Is the party at home or in a public place?

[iwantittowork]

Hey BND, it's in a public place..

[BigJohn]

IWITW,

Just catching up on your thread and I have to say I've had similar ruminations about things. Sounds like we are both in similar places emotionally and mentally.

Thanks for checking up on me. I posted an update under my thread when you have a chance to catch up. Regarding the birthday party for your D8, I'd consider just doing your own BD party for her, especially if you have family and/or friends in the area. I don't know if I posted or not my recent experience in December with my W over D4's BD party. Basically the kids and I had a very modest BD party for D4 on her actual birthdate as they were all staying with me at the time. My W had agreed to throw a "full" BD party for D4 that upcoming weekend at her place and I was invited. My W's turn to take the kids was the night before the party. The following morning, I wake up and call my W to see what she needs me to bring to the party and she informs me I'm not welcome at her house for the party after all because of my celebration with the kids earlier in the week. It was complete BS and a total power play by my W- at the expense of my D4. Needless to say, I learned my lesson.

I don't know what your STBXW has in mind for your D8's BD party, but no doubt she has her own agenda and it probably involves either showing you up (i.e. outspending you on gifts) and/or making you feel bad and/or uncomfortable. What if she uses the party as an opportunity to show of a new boyfriend? I know that thought probably hurts, but it may not be outside the realm of possibility.

Without knowing more, I think my vote would be for you to have your own BD party for D8.

[iwantittowork]

BJ! Happy to see you man! I'll swing by your thread and check in on you in a bit.

As for my d8 BD plans, I already am planning a b-day party this weekend for d8 with Family in my area, and d8 is really looking forward to it.

I agree with you on your post, and am really leaning towards it, and just not towing to StBXW at all. I am going to send email that I will pickup d8 after party, and just end it at that. She can then decide how she will respond.

Got to check in on you now..

[bright_new_day]

I would definitely say stay away if it was in her home, but a public place makes it a little more optional. Since you are already having a party with your family then I would probably stay away also, just keep things easier. I have tried to stick with the plan that less interaction means less drama. I do think it was inconsiderate of your X to plan it on your day as it decreases the amount of time you get to spend with your daughter. I think your plan to inform your X that you will be picking D8 up after the party sounds good. I have also found that less options given mkes things easier, just state your plan and go with it.

[iwantittowork]

Seems like it's been a while since I have been checking in to the db forums, so updated myself on some of your sitch's, and adding some journal entries now on mine..

Went to L office last week, to try and get him to offer deal to stbxw to get this rolling. He was trying to say we have plenty of time before pretrial hearing, but I told him we need to work on this deal now, as I fully expect her to reject most of what we offer, and at least I will know where I stand. She won't make a move currently, why would she when she gets a free place to live, and support as well and gets to live the single life on weekends at my expense financially? Sad that I have to pay for all this when I didn't want it to begin with and the state is backing it up. Nothing I can do about it...

I decided I would not be going to party stbxw setup and emailed me about, so I just emailed her back last weel that I will pickup d8 2 hours after the party.

Picked up d8 this weekend, and stbxw tells me about 2 other kids parties coming up in the next two weekends that I need to take d8 to. I asked when she new about them, and she tries to say there was an invitation in the paperwork that she put in last weeks d8 stuff that came with her. I told her no, it was not in there, but she claims it was. BS. I check every piece of paper that comes to my place in d8's stuff, and it wasn't there. I double checked again when I got back, and nothing. Not an argument I am going to have, nor be able to win, I told her it wasn't there before, but she won't believe me. Oh well. Minor, but she has done this in the past in our relationship, and if she actually finds it with her stuff, will never acknowledge that she was wrong. Again, doesn't matter, but annoying..

Had d8's party this weekend, and it was a bit emotional for me, but manageable, as I was busy. She seems to have had a good time, and that is good. I tried to give her the best party I could, given limitations with fiances currently, and just be there as much as I can be for her.

We'll see where this week goes, d8 turns to d9 tomorrow AM, and at least I will have her to drop off at school, and glad I will be able to be around for her actual day she turns 9. Been a bit of a roller coaster the last few days, but now the holidays and birthdays are all past, and hopefully things begin to settle down into routines a bit now..

[volleydog]

Seems like you handled the party the right way, imo. I've had that party stuff happen to me before and they'll never admit they're wrong so I gave up worrying about it, like you.

It is nice to have the holidays behind and getting back to "normal" makes things a little easier.

[iwantittowork]

Well I'll be..

Emailed stbxw for particulars on b-day party that supposedly she had given me invite for d9 to go to this weekend that she swore she gave to me but I couldn't find in any papers she sent over..

She replied that she was sorry and the she just found them in her car..

First time for everything I guess..

Melancholy day today for me as d8 turned to d9 this AM. Wished things were different, but they are not, so I'll call on my way home to sing her happy b-day song. At least I did get to see and say happy b-day to her in person this morning..