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Donna, Great meeting you last night. You, my dear, are a sharp, strong, sweetie!

Thanks again.


Gardener

"My soul, be satisfied with flowers,
With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them
In the one garden you may call your own."
Cyrano deBergerac


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Coming on here to vent rather than talking too much with S14 or in-laws...

D10 was showing me some pics she played with on her new DSi. There was a pic of her dad, but I noticed there were industrial-looking ceiling tiles (strange angle of the pic) and asked where the pic was taken.

She said at the kids' therapist's office.

WTH?! When, who, what, where...?

Seems that x decided to take them, made an appt a while ago for the "end of the year," just a check-up. He forgot to tell me about it, said he only remembered about the appointment the night before. Hadn't gotten around to telling me what came of it. It was this past Saturday, his weekend.

I AM PISSED!!!!!!! No, I don't see any harm in them going to see the counselor. Don't even care if he takes them there himself.

But not one word to me that they went, not when he made the appt, not before or after it happened.

I called him and asked him - said it was very inappropriate that he do that without notifying me. He said I had done the same thing with appts for them (I haven't - he was always notified). I asked what the outcome was, and he said the therapist was very happy with how things are at my house, his house, said the kids are good. Still all defensive, etc. I took a deep breath and just said fine, just notify me BEFORE anything like this comes up with my kids again. He said that is going to start an argument (I'm guessing because I said my kids instead of our, or the kids). I just hung up on him.

Why didn't the therapist contact me? I can see the kids letting it slip from memory (they still compartmentalize, and it was in the middle of their weekend with their dad, and neither of them like going to the IC, anyway - all S said was it wasn't their idea).

I will NOT vent to my son. I will NOT vent to my son. I will NOT vent to my son (or ask a billion questions).

I have a call into the therapist, who of course is on vacation until 1/5/10.

Ugh. A**hole.

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Quote:
He said I had done the same thing with appts for them


That's the classic turn around defense, or at least that's what I call it. My stbxw does this all the time, and I didn't catch on until lately. They get caught doing something they themselves would get ticked at if you did, so just deflect back to you rather than own up to it.

But, nothing you can do about it, except state how you feel, which you have done, and try not to let it get to you, so vent away here..

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Why didn't the therapist contact me?

If you both joint legal custody, I don't think they have to.

I know it is bugging you, but from what I understand, and have learned, we have no control or say in what really happens with kids when they are at other parents house, so long as it's not abusive, bad for them, etc. That's a tough thing to manage as you want to be involved with them 100 percent, so I understand how you feel..


M: 41
STBXW: 41
D: 9
Bomb: 4/26/09

On board the D train now..

"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
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It still boggles my mind that this was a man who I was with for more than 20 years, someone who loved me. I mean, always kind, considerate and loving. And now, it is nothing but nastiness and defensiveness. I guess I will just have some deer-in-the-headlight moments with him from now until forever. I just don't anticipate it, and at this point, I really should.
Out of all of it, two beautiful, innocent children and two people who want the other to simple disappear off the face of the earth. Very sad.

You are right about not having any say when the kids are away...at least this was a positive thing, unlike his other lifestyle choice.

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Man, I'm in a crappy mood. I've started and deleted this post about 5 times already. Just don't know what to do with myself, can't put my finger on it.

I took a nap, since that usually helps reset my head, but not so much. Maybe left-over angst from this afternoon?

Kids went with their dad tonight. S14 called me when they were supposed to be home - could he go shopping with his dad for the party they are having tomorrow night? I said sure...he got home about an hour late.

I have to do my budget tomorrow for the upcoming year, see how things are going to fall out. It's been tight. I have been catching up on the mountain of laundry, doing other things around the house.

IC gave me homework this week, to work in my sketchbook. I haven't picked the thing up yet.
Just existing today, I guess. Not feeling the "happy in my own skin" thing.

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Hey Donna..

Reread your divorce papers. There's probably a section stating that each parent has to notify the other in writing for approval concerning counseling, orthodontia, surgery. Traditional doctor visits don't apply.

Just quote the section.

Good job on not venting on your son.
Good job that he felt safe enough to tell you where he was. Who knows, maybe he wanted you to know to get you all riled up so he wouldn't have to go.

The therapist should not be talking about what the kids share with privately. Counseling is supposed to be a safe place. If it's one session the kids know what to say to 'protect' their parent(s) and how to cut all sessions short. "Life is beautiful." Finished, end of story.

Want to see a movie today.. if the weather isn't too ucky? I have the house all to myself!

*hugs*

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The call into the therapist is more to mention that I was not made aware of the appt - in the future, a quick email or reminder to x to email is in order (she has also served as our "co-parenting" counselor, the farce that it was).

I'm not sure if the kids did the whole session with x in the room (useless) or privately. I do know that S recently had a crying fit late one night, wanting to tell his dad off about how the whole thing isn't right, and that he hoped that his father would break things off with gf, sell the house and get an apt again. This was after Thanksgiving when x dragged the whole crew to great-grandma's - S was very upset by that.
I told S then that he should feel comfortable talking with his dad about his feelings, but to not expect or take on responsibility for "fixing" everything. Parents do things we don't agree with sometimes (I mentioned my parents' smoking) - we can voice an opinion, wish things were different and swear to never repeat the same mistakes, but we can't fix other people. His father still loved him deeply, yada yada...
Anyway, I still wonder how much of that was son, and how much was him saying these things because it's what he thinks I want to hear...I don't think he talked to his dad about it, though. I am trying very hard to let them deal with their own relationship.
Same thing with the therapist - I would just want to know that the kids were ok from what she saw.

Quote:
Good job that he felt safe enough to tell you where he was. Who knows, maybe he wanted you to know to get you all riled up so he wouldn't have to go.

Is this about the shopping last night?
X had been bringing the kids back and was going shopping afterwards; I'm sure he played it up, but S asked if he could go along. I could have said no, but had no plans for that night, and I really am not trying to keep my kids from their father. I just wish X wouldn't take advantage of that fact on such a regular basis.

*****
About tonight:
Sorry, but my college friend is on her way up from LI today. If the rain holds off, we are going to try snow tubing tomorrow - pray for me!

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Donna,

So sorry I've been MIA. I didn't realize until today that you started a new thread. frown

This time of year is just not as much fun as it used to be is it? Sounds like you are working your way through it though. The more positive people you surround yourself with the better. The questions you posed about your xh's family should be answered by now, but if you want my opinion.....leave them be. You have no responsibility toward them and they have none toward you. The only tie you had was xh and that is no longer. Yes, they are your children's family but it is up to their dad to keep their R going. It doesn't mean that you can't drop them a card now and then because you are thinking of them - you would do that with any friend, right? You don't need to put yourself into an uncomfortable situation being around them though and they don't want that either.

I have little contact with my former il's, but the contact I do have is to pass along pictures of Marc because they live on the other side of the country and Gabe doesn't own a camera except his cell. I did send them little gifts for Christmas because I was thinking of them, not out of a need to connect with them. Make sense?

Snow tubing??????? OMG! Is this a sliding down the hill sort of thing or being pulled behind a snowmobile like you would be pulled behind a boat on a lake?????


T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43
bomb12/4/07
PA5/07
S12/26/07
D final 11/17/08
Back together with no defined R 05/2010
confused....to say the least!!!

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Hey,

Take XH at his word -- he forgot to tell you. Now, why would that happen? I'd guess that it was avoidance and/or denial. Now, why would either be involved? For some reason he felt the need to take the kids to C. My guess is that he was uncomfortable about the reason. If so, then look on the bright side -- something is sinking in and he is taking care of the kids.

Now, why are you so troubled? You are taking it PERSONALLY. Don't take it personally. His forgetfulness is not a personal slight. It is a sign of his own problems. Him not telling you did not hurt the kids. You are easily able to follow up with the C yourself. Don't pull out the legalese and pound him on the head with it, even if such a clause exists.

"Chuck, glad the kids got a chance to go to C. Thanks for taking them. You're a good dad. Let's both be more careful about giving each other a head's up about medical and C appointments -- we both need good intel on the kids, lol. Have a happy new year! Donna"

His lapse doesn't mean anything about YOU. No harm done. Indeed, be happy that he recognizes that C is important for the kids and that he recognized enough of their pain to prompt him to make an appointment.


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That sounds like bunches of fun, Donna! We have a few inches of snow here.

I made interesting alternate plans for this new way of living.

See you next year!

*hugs*

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