Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Av, Silver & Dudess

We're fighting right now. Sigh. One of those little arguments that happen in daily life. We went our separate ways for the afternoon and when I came home he apologized for overreacting. But I couldn't forgive him. I'm still pissed off and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I don't think he's sorry about the argument, he's sorry I'm mad. Now he's upstairs in the bedroom pouting and I'm downstairs seething.

Are we ever going to learn how to work these things out like adults?

What do I want BF to do that he's not doing? To step up. To do the things we discuss instead of putting it off until I bring it up for the third or fourth time (make a counseling appointment). To make an effort. Or to paraphrase The Breakup, I want him to want to do the dishes.

Another issue is that I'm still suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome. Before the bomb I never would have questioned that he was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But now, after the betrayal, after being on my own for a very brief period of time, after finding out men are still interested in me, I wonder if there's someone better suited to me. Someone who won't just throw everything away and run into the arms of a whore because he's unhappy and doesn't have the balls to say anything to me.

What really gets me is when I see someone who I haven't seen since last winter. They ask about me moving to SF because that was the plan. Then I tell them I'm staying put for the time being because I'm back with BF. They look shocked. And I understand. I want to tell them he begged and pleaded to come back but that's not true. I feel like I took him back too easily so no wonder he thinks he can put everything off until I threaten to leave then make minmal effort to placate me until I lose it the next time.

I like my life. It's comfortable. BF and I have history. Are those the reasons I'm staying? Because it's a lot of work to start over on my own? Because my standard of living would be drastically reduced? It sounds so cold and money grubbing but those are the realities of life.

And no, I haven't forgiven him yet. I can forgive the affair, what I can't forgive right now is the fact that he didn't ask me for forgiveness for months even though I told him how important it was. I told him the longer it took, the less inclined I would be. He didn't care until I said I was at a breaking point. Typical.

[avermont]

Wow, pearl, what a difficult sitch. I wish I had some wisdom to impart. What really hit me was "he was unhappy and didn't have the balls to say so" My sitch exactly!

All those possible reasons you give for staying--comfort, history, standard of living--don't judge yourself harshly for those. Those sorts of reasons have a basis in day to day basic happiness--we can bravely go out and meet the world each day BECAUSE we are comfortable, have a shared history with someone, etc.

I guess the question is--are those reasons enough? are you happy enough with the sitch as you are working to improve it?

Or is jumping out of the comfort zone the next, horribly painful step you (and me) need to take in order to have a truly fufilling happy life?

I don't know the answer to that--just thinking aloud here.

[pearlharbr]

On a different but related front...

So my GF who I totally relied on during the worst of things is upset with me. We have not really been close since the spring for several reasons. Things came to a head when she completely ignorged my birthday and I unfriended her on FB.

She wrote me a letter and said she didn't do that to hurt me (so untrue) but that she's tired of constantly supporting me and me not supporting her.

I'm just so annoyed right now that I'm employing the 48 hour rule before responding.

First of all, yes, I have been selfish this past year. To be fair, I'm fairly selfish in general and always have been. My longtime friends all know this about me. (I'm not using that as an excuse because I do try to always be a good friend and bend over backwards for my friends. Just pointing out that this is not something new, it's one of my bad points that has to be taken with my good points.) But this year has been extremely difficult and I thought that's what friends are for, to lean on in the rough times.

She said she needed support and I didn't give it. I'm having trouble with this one because part of me thinks I should just know to be there and part of me thinks she's expecting me to mindread. If she needs me for something she should come to me and tell me that, otherwise how am I supposed to know? Or should I just know?

She thinks I'm not talking to her because she is not supportive of me getting back together with BF. She swears she never said or implied that, that as long as I'm happy she's happy for me. Not completely true. She has said that, but she has also made snide comments about why would I ever want to go back to him. And this is not new. When I first told her that we were moving to AK she asked me why I would do that. Because BF has an amazing work opportunity so that's what is best for us. Her response: "Just because he goes doesn't mean you have to." At that point we had already been together for over four years and owned our first house. It's not like it was a casual relationship.

And that's not why I haven't been talking to her. I realized that I was always the one to call, email, make plans. Then she complained to me that she was tired of being the one to make all the effort with her other friends. Really? Where is any of that effort with me? Especially since she considers me her best friend. So I simply waited for her to make the first contact. That was in the spring.

My take on the situation: she is happy when I am having problems and not as happy when my life is going well. Also I think she's not dealing well with the fact that I reconnected with my BFF after years of estrangement.

We have been friends for over 20 years and I really don't want to sever the relationship, but I don't know if it can be fixed at this point. It's just sad.

[rockedworld]

Hi Pearl,
I haven't had time to read your whole thread, but I have appreciated your input in my sitch.

You know, I was thinking the other day that this crisis that happened in my M has actually helped me to "clean house" in many areas of my life. I have learned who my true friends are, and I have learned a lot about myself in terms of what I will tolerate and not tolerate in ANY R. Maybe that is part of what is happening for you too?

[Hope4us]

Like what Rocked said, it's during a crisis when you find out just who your true friends are.

If this friend can't deal with you getting back together with your BF, then she must have some other agenda and you probably don't need that in your life.

Stinks that 20 yrs friendship will go down the drain, but if she can't be happy for you, then maybe she's not the friend you thought she was?

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Rocked and Hope

Yes, I'm finding that out. She swears up and down that she's happy as long as I'm happy, but I really don't want to put up with the snide comments. Sigh. We'll see. I still haven't responded to her letter because I've been going through some other stuff...

Last night BF and I started out fooling around and ended up in a heavy R talk. Another Sigh. I really need to work on holding things in for a better time to talk. But I was just overcome because we're heading out for a weekend in the mountains tonight and the last time BF went on a ski vacation it was with OW (twice).

It actually started out about sex and wondering if he compares my body to OW because we are built quite differently. I told him I know he thinks I'm sexy (because I am ;)) but he always said that big boobs didn't matter and then he went out and cheated with a rack. He said the sex wasn't good with them but I read an email from her that said he was in lust which implied there was lots of sex so it couldn't have been that bad if he kept going back for more. He said he tired of it quickly because she was boring in bed and didn't have any personality. So what's to stop him from straying again if our sex life gets boring?

From there it went to being unsure about this trip because I know he skiied with her last winter and how much that hurt me. He bought me new skis and boots in Sept so we could ski as something to do together in the winter, then he only took her. It hurts so much because it feels like he just gave her my life: he brought her into my house with my pets, did the activities that we were supposed to do together, took her on the ski trip with his brother and sil, didn't take me to his company Christmas party because she was there, called and emailed her on my birthday, etc. I got really upset because he said he was trying to spare my feelings--I called BS because it was obvious he was more concerned about her and lying about it now just made it hurt more.

So I finally told him that I needed to know (but was afraid to know) why he decided he wanted to come back to me. I need to know that I'm not just a fallback option because OW turned out to be boring. After a few minutes he said that when he realized that the sex wasn't good and OW had no personality he started thinking about how much personality I have, that I'm smart and fun, that we did enjoy doing things together, and just how much he had lost. So I thanked him for telling me for that because all this time (since April) I didn't know if he came back for me or because it's just a comfortable life.

I guess the plan is still to go to the mountains tonight. I'm going to try to put on a smile and not think about OW because I hate that I even spend a second letting her into my life. Not sure how I'll hold up for the weekend but I did buy myself a fabulous new ski jacket so at I will look good on the slopes or walking around town.

[rockedworld]

Pearl,
I hope you go skiing and have an AMAZING time! One thing I am trying to do is "reclaim" the things OW tried to steal from me. For eg. a band H and I used to listen to together all the time she now has listed on her FB page as her favorite band. Maybe it is, but it's "old" music for a 23 year old and H admitted he introduced her to it. At first, I was so upset about such a silly thing that I couldn't listen to that band anymore, even tho it has always been one of my faves. So, now I force myself to listen to it, and am letting myself enjoy it and "reclaim" it. I've listened to it together again with H and told him that is why... so we can "reclaim" it together. H has been on board with that.

So... go skiing, look fabulous, have fun, try not to think about OW and give BF every reason to be 100% focused on his hot, sexy, fun ski bunny GF!

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Rocked.

Yeah, I have been doing the reclaiming thing, but sometimes it just gets to me. I just can't seem to get over the feeling like I was dispensible, that he was just going to move me out and move her in and continue on in the life we had planned. These are the times that I am so mad at him.

But I will be fun and fabulous on the slopes. So I need to go pack!!

[swest99]

Hi - I have been lurking on the boards off and on for a few years. Yesterday I logged in and saw your thread and figured I had to reply. I read the whole thing from start to end and I swear you sound just like my wife and I am just like your BF. Some of the things you wrote that you said and how your BF responded were almost word for word for my wife and i have said. Maybe I can offer some insight into your BF since he sounds like me. Is he non-confrontational also? Go on the ski trip. He will be thinking about how lucky he is that you went. The place does not hold any feelings for him from before. He is looking to this trip for what it is. time to be with you. I would like to address some of the other things that you have said about what he did and what he says/does but i don't have much time today. If it is ok i will throw in my two cents also. if you are up for more reading you can read but i cant remember the title. I will try to find it this weekend. It talks about personality types might help you figure out why he does some things.

I got to go but i will get the information for you monday if you want

[swest99]

Remembered one- it is expensive but really good

Garry smalley Keys To Loving Relationships on DVD

Does an awesome job talking about differences between men and women