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A Message from Michele
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Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but #1878176
11/20/09 04:25 AM
11/20/09 04:25 AM
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Freckle6 Offline OP
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I'm going to try to be as brief as possible because this would be a novel otherwise. If anyone happens to read and has questions I will answer them. I haven't posted here in a long, long time but right now just need somewhere to purge my brain and maybe get some fresh perspectives. smile

I've been separated for just over 4 1/2 years. Me-36, H-36, Son now 5. Known each other since we were 12, dated for 6 years, married for 6 years at point of separation (legally married for 10 years now). WAH, possibly something life crisis precipitated by our son. No OW, though he has dated since. I tried but freaked myself out so it never went beyond the phone and texting. wink

Divorce has been in the works for about 2 years and stalled at various points, not because of contention, but because of money for the various stages.

He ran hot and cold for the first 2 years or so of our separation and then stayed cold for a while. He filed for D, I accepted that this was probably it, refinanced the house in my name and started being happy again in my simple, relatively drama free, quiet life with my son.

This past summer he out of the blue asked if I would be interested in taking a day bus trip to the Bronx Zoo with our son later in the summer. Seeing as how I never said more than hi and bye to him while exchanging our son lately, it took me by surprise but I agreed to it because I hadn't been there before and one of the things that sucks about D is missing times like this with your kids when they do stuff with the other parent.

He did a few other surprising things in between that like random calls to me for no reason and ended up calling me in the middle of the night one night and insisted on coming over. He missed me, don't forget about him, blah, blah, blah. He spent the night, but I wouldn't have sex with him.

He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our son to see fireworks on the 4th of July that weekend a few days later but I knew by that time that he had already talked himself back out of whatever feelings he had resurfaced. I was upset for a few days, but honestly wasn't surprised and as a 180 I never said another word about it to him. A few weeks later we had fun on the zoo trip and I made it a point to act as if we were the happy little family we were pretending to be.

Everything back to as before until 2 months ago and he figures out how to text me. He sends me a text saying that sometime if I'm out with our son that it would be nice if I texted him to let him know what we were doing??? OK, it kind of felt like he was wanting to keep track of me but I told him sure, whatever. A couple weeks later he texts me again and asks why I haven't texted him at all.

Anyway, these small things (enough to get me wondering, but also make me think I might be reading too much into things) continue until a couple of weeks ago and he asked me to sign back up for MSN instant messenger and talk to him some night on it. He starts with how he wants to be a big part of our son's life every day and he's wondering if that's an option. He misses me, wonders how I've changed, etc.

Since then we've texted often and talk almost every night on IM for hours. Stuff about us, memories of the past, day to day stuff, lots of stuff about our son, but nothing firm as to let's try again and make this work. Which is ok with me because I want to take this slow because, and I told him this too, that he has a habit of saying one thing to me and then running in the other direction (he said, "good point" LOL).

Last night we rode together to our son's school for a parent teacher conference. We chatted but it was all weird at the same time. It's easier texting or IMing or even on the phone. I don't know how to make that leap from talking to what seems like my old husband virtually to in person with this man who looks like the alien I've been dealing with for the past 5+ years? I still love him and want to be a family but it's been soooo long that it's hard to remember what it was like when their wasn't this weirdness, kwim? I put this part in red because I know anyone reading has probably dozed off by the time I actually got to my "problem".

OK, I lied and I sucked at trying to condense this. Sorry for the length.


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: Freckle6] #1878212
11/20/09 05:53 AM
11/20/09 05:53 AM
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Posts: 5,927
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Dr LOve Offline
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Hey Lady,

Don't really have any suggestions only wanted to tell ya I know what you mean by...
"I don't know how to make that leap from talking to what seems like my old husband virtually to in person with this man who looks like the alien I've been dealing with for the past 5+ years? I still love him and want to be a family but it's been sooo long that it's hard to remember what it was like when their wasn't this weirdness, "
It has only been 2 years and we never separated (she sleeps in another room though" but ya it is hard to make that leap. It was so much easier the first time. I will be trying soon after the holidays. I don't want to jinx anything either

Doc


And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: Dr LOve] #1878893
11/21/09 01:32 PM
11/21/09 01:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 832
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Freckle6 Offline OP
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Freckle6  Offline OP
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Thanks Doc. smile Good luck to you.


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: Freckle6] #1878920
11/21/09 05:20 PM
11/21/09 05:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
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praying_in_GA Offline
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My H and I talked about getting things back on track yesterday. This is a big concern of mine too. I don't know how I am supposed to act around him or towards him or with him..... or or or or! LOL!

I am not any help, but I can relate.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: praying_in_GA] #1878996
11/21/09 09:10 PM
11/21/09 09:10 PM
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Freckle6 Offline OP
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Freckle6  Offline OP
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That's it exactly! I don't know how to act around him. I'm good with flirty and funny and all that IMing or texting, it's his voice and physical presence that throws me off and I think it's the same for him.

Journaling: I kind of got worried after the other night when we were at the P/T conference and it was all weird--started wondering if he was running back into the tunnel again. But he's initiated IMing and texting me since then a couple times.

When we were IMing the other night I told him about a DR. appt. I had that day and that I had a breast lump/cyst (99.9999% not cancer) that I had to have an ultrasound on and had a followup with a boob Dr. in a couple of weeks. He immediately said that he'd go with me if I wanted him to. That totally shocked me and really meant a lot. We'll see what happens between now and then because 2 weeks can be a lifetime in this rollercoaster, but that reassured me because that is something a husband would do for his wife.

He has our son this weekend and we were texting on and off all day and he invited me to go to the park with them. Unfortunately (or probably a good thing since it shows I have a life too) I was in a city a couple of hours away with my mother shopping so I couldn't go.

So for now, I'm still cautiously optimistic that maybe, just maybe, we'll be piecing some day. Maybe. wink


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, [Re: Freckle6] #1879297
11/22/09 12:32 PM
11/22/09 12:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,628
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Hope4us Offline
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Freckle, It does take a while. You've been separated for 4.5 years. That's like dating someone new. You've changed and He's changed. Why not treat it like that?

Your old marriage is over and your old Husband is gone. Take it slow and get to know the new person your H has become. If you guys spend time together, ask him questions and really listen to how he answers. Learn what makes him tick. You said you've known your H since you were 12, correct? People change a HUGE amount from the time they're that young to when they reach their late 20's, early 30's.

Heck, you might spend time with him and realize you've grown so much that he's not what you want any longer. Trust me, those thoughts go through my mind as well. I know I do. In the two years since I discovered my W's affair, I've come to understand A LOT of things about my W that I either didn't see before or how she's changed and I've had thoughts that maybe (and that's a small maybe) I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. It just goes with the territory. But then I think I realize that even though I'd give my right arm (yes, I'm left handed grin) for her to not have had the A, the whole mess has allowed BOTH of us to realize where we want to be.

I think your H offering to go with you to the boob Dr. (love that description by the way and am glad it's almost certain it's not cancer) is a sign he truly does care about you.

But take it slow. In the end you might find that YOU'VE out grown HIM.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, [Re: Hope4us] #1886526
12/04/09 05:02 AM
12/04/09 05:02 AM
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Freckle6 Offline OP
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Journaling--Things are still going cautiously good. Lots of texting and IMing, mostly initiated by him. He's spent the night a couple of times.

After the first time he was quiet the next day but still contacted me to chat briefly. Admittedly I was also probably hyper sensitive and over analyzing every little thing but I tried to play it cool and keep my freakouts mostly to myself after that first day and he did warm up again within a few days. The last night he was here was 2 days ago and no bumps after this time.

Tonight we talked for hours on IM and he's invited me over Saturday afternoon/night, when he has our son, to his "bachelor pad" that he's lived in for the last 3 1/2 years that I've never been to.

Things are/were still awkward in person when doing the visitation exchange thing for regular weekends and Thanksgiving. It did sting that we still did our separate things for Thanksgiving, but I know it was way too early to put anything out there with our families.

The other day I told him my "theory" on this being like people newly dating and getting to know each other cautiously, but having a 20+ year history and being married too... and he thought that described it perfectly and seemed to understand my being reserved. It's the child exchanges that are the worst--kind of this big old reminder of the reality of the situation.

He's been opening up a lot lately and says things like how he wishes he was here, that if he lived here he could afford XYZ that we were talking about, he has ideas for our house, etc. Trying not to put the cart before the horse and take all that with a grain of salt.

One thing I've noticed this time is that he will bring up old memories--good ones--not the revisionist history stuff they do as they're trying to get away. That really is a huge change. The anger and the blame is gone too.

Of course I'm still sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to scurry back into the tunnel. I hope this might he it, but time will tell.

I know I still love him deeply but I know it's not going to be easy either. I don't know if I'll ever feel completely safe (emotionally speaking--no abuse of any sort ever here) in a relationship with him again. Maybe that's a good thing though. That when you feel totally safe with someone is when you don't try as hard to keep the relationship alive.


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, [Re: Freckle6] #1886765
12/04/09 05:59 PM
12/04/09 05:59 PM
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Posts: 1,628
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Hope4us Offline
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Freckle, All sounds good, but take it S L O W.

I know where you're coming from with your comment about feeling safe. And you're right, maybe it's a good thing to not feel so safe. Can lead to taking your significant other for granted and that's the worst thing you can do to a spouse.

That weirdness you feel will last a long time. Get used to it. Doesn't mean it's wrong, you've just got a lot to work through. If there was no weirdness or you felt safe already, then I'd be worried.


Hope4us

Me - 49, W 49
S22 & S18
Dday 9/4/07
W claims NC 4/7/08
8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: Freckle6] #1886821
12/04/09 07:16 PM
12/04/09 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: Freckle6
That's it exactly! I don't know how to act around him. I'm good with flirty and funny and all that IMing or texting, it's his voice and physical presence that throws me off and I think it's the same for him.


Well, last night my XW and I went out alone for the first time in 18 months or so, post A, post D. My XW had eluded to wanted to "get back together" times before, but it never got out of the phone stage before blowing up. This time around, completely different. Came on the heels of our first dinner as family with our boys in 14 months last week, and XW said she felt really comfortable and "the missing", "the wanting" has been creeping in on her.

Last night, on the ride to our detination, I asked her about her day, what she did with our boys, just focused on her, something I failed to do for a long time. Somewhere along the lines I developed that "selective hearing" H's are infamous for, and ultimately it I made myself look I just didn't care about what goes on her life away from me. So, that really warmed her up.

By the time we sat down to watch a band perform, it was like the D, S, A, none of it EVER happened and we were both oh so comfortable because I think after that simple little ice-breaker ccnversation, we were our old fun loving selves for the first time in years.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: Not really piecing and trying not to jinx it, but [Re: dday101798] #1887174
12/05/09 04:57 AM
12/05/09 04:57 AM
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Posts: 832
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Freckle6 Offline OP
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I'm glad you have a nice time with your W last night! Yes, being listened to really means a lot to a woman. I think that's an automatic love language for females, kind of like sex is for males. wink Keep it up!

We talked on the phone a bit last night too. He texted and IMed me while I was in the tub and got worried when I didn't answer (it was like 9 and a school night and the little guy goes to bed at 7) so he called a couple of times until I got out and answered. That conversation flowed good and I didn't feel any awkward silences. Of all things, we were talking about Tiger Woods and his current "troubles" most of the time. Ha!


Me38,H:38,S:7
Married:6/99
Bomb:7/04
Sep.:5/05
D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10
Piecing:11/09
H moved back:09/10
Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
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